love in other places

the blog has moved ...

2008-09-18T13:03:00.000-07:00

to the eastside ... wordpress ... i can't deal with blogger no more ... see me at: LOVEinOTHERplaces.com .... yeah

operation save my life -- phase 4: CHATTAHOOCHIE BRIDGE

2008-09-18T08:00:00.000-07:00

I have arrived. I’m here. But my arrival at this destination is the beginning of another journey. Cuz there is no destination … there’s only more arriving and leaving … driving people to the train … and picking em up from the airport. Maybe I’ll call it operation … LIVE … nah no more titles for the chapters of my life … for now.

There is a bridge in Atlanta that you might miss if you’re speeding towards 285 because it’s not much of a bridge … can’t ever see the entrance and there are no cars on it … it’s a mythical place … named chattahoochie. I just like that name. it reminds me of magic and silliness and spirit. It reminds me of hoochie words that I like to use. It’s so southern, so far from Brooklyn … it reminds me how far I’ve come. And what I’ve come for. How I got to be here and the hoochie-ness of my soul.

i am here cuz I know I been driving a lot. I love to drive and see things that God made. Like that chattahoochie bridge. Or trees that my ex-mother-in-law calls boogar bears. Or clouds in the sky. I like to know I’m part of something larger as I’m headed out into the small-minded world. I never had that in Brooklyn. In NY you mostly transport yourself underground on the nasty train.

I know I’ve arrived cuz I got this new job where I stand on my feet and I never sit behind a desk. they started training me yesterday and i love it!!! My dreams are all coming true … in that weird way that God works … I had faith I could do this … and because it’s his will I am doing it. I’ma do it so good … I’ma have fat tips … pray for me, please.

I BELIEVED that if I arrived in Atlanta and I put my artistic work schedule in place that the script I was working on would finish itself. And what do you know … CHATTAHOOCHIE … it is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I do the hard part okay … I sit in front of the computer for a specific time for at least 5 days a week. And the magic comes … ideas strike me in the brain, my fingers push out words and dialogue I didn’t know was there. I am so thankful … this is a 4-year-prayer answered … here … and I know the destination is the journey. I am learning to divorce my labor from its fruits. The joy is in the process. In each day I create something new. Each day it’s not finished but it is its own finished creation. I have a long way to go but I’m trying not to focus on that. I know that my script will be more beautiful the more I love it everyday. And I’m not concerned with the end but with my daily tasks. Besides it’s god’s fruit … totally. I can only wonder that I’m his servant who he chose to write this.

I am watching my daughter unfold. I am focusing on each day we have … we no longer see each other EVERY day so I know I’m here … at this new place … and it’s hard but it’s for a good purpose and she needs to be with her other parents and family who love her in unique ways … so I’ve distilled time down to her essence …and I drink her in sips … and my daughter … I feel her flavors as they are growing and changing … and tickling me. My spirit is more at peace, I’m happier and she feels that too … in this new place … we are a little brand new. And falling in love with each other again every day.

I couldn’t be here driving and looking at the world from the highway if God hadn’t blessed me with a car … it’s all his money I play with anyway … he brings it and he taketh it away … he gave me the skills and body to work so I can always make more change … he blessed me with work ethic and drive … I don’t know jackshit about cars really except how they drive and if I like the way they feel so I prayed and I asked God to make possible what was good, right, and best for me …he led me to a dealer, and a car I liked arrived … so I love my car and I named her dimples.

all this to say that operation save my life is over and the living is still going on … I met all of my goals and MORE … than I ever imagined …my spirit is finally at ease … that godforsaken job is behind me, nyc is behind me … my art is percolating and the journey is fulfilling ery ery day. Here … looking at chattahoochie bridge.

fact check: chattahoochie is really spelled chattahoochee and it's also a river that runs through georgia, alabama, tennessee, and florida ... i think :)

predator versus alien 17: oprah v. sarah

2008-09-17T09:00:00.000-07:00

1. Tuesday morning several newscasts reported that the Republican women in Florida are organizing an Oprah Winfrey boycott for declining the decision to have Sarah Palin on her show as a guest. (more evidence to support an earlier blog i wrote about oprah-obama blacklash)

2. deepak chopra writes about sarah palin: She is the reverse of Barack Obama, in essence his shadow, deriding his idealism and turning negativity into a cause for pride. In psychological terms the shadow is that part of the psyche that hides out of sight, countering our aspirations, virtue, and vision with qualities we are ashamed to face: anger, fear, revenge, violence, selfishness, and suspicion of "the other." For millions of Americans, Obama triggers those feelings, but they don't want to express them. He is calling for us to reach for our higher selves, and frankly, that stirs up hidden reactions of an unsavory kind.

leavin brothers

2008-09-16T04:19:00.000-07:00

sooooo who's disturbed that lehman and merrill lynch went under? lehman brothers was a 158 year old bank ... i kinda feel like entrenched power just took a major hit ... in 158 years what have any of the members of the lehman fam done to obliterate poverty? just asking ...

i am disturbed by this 'crisis' mainly because no real poor people are paying attention (i live around lots of poor folks and aint nobody talkin bout this trust me) ... i am disturbed that banks can get bailed out by the fed and no one notices or bats an eyelash ... i am disturbed that no fed agency is going to bail out the average homeowner and yet the WORLD's largest insurance company, AIG, is asking the fed for 'emergency funding' ... you know that funding is in the several billions don't you?

i am disturbed by the american people ... who are not connecting the dots ... not connecting g.w. bush to lenient financial regulation which caused this crisis ... not connecting federal bailouts to their income taxes ... not connecting the price of gas in lebanon to the price of coca cola in brasil and then connecting all of that to the diminishing quality of their 3rd grader's american education ...

hey ... maybe it's not connected ... but isn't it at least worth googling?? just a question ... cuz i loves you and i cares bout yall. and i'd hate to see the chaos in wall street personally connect with your wallet.

lastly, i am - as usual - disturbed by capitalism. it's an illusion. and this 'crisis' is what happens when fake money meets real people. do your research ...

you can read an assoc. press article on this matter as well.

irreversible

2008-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

i say this with love in my heart - seriously - when i wonder out loud how white people view this zimbabwe issue. most white people i talk to about it immediately get morally righteous ... and they turn their noses down at mugabe and call him a monster ... he might indeed be a monster ... but as far as the land goes ... it didn't really belong to the white people ... not only that white people didn't turn their noses down when their ancestors stole it from afrikans and then passed it on to them ... uh my point is not about tit for tat. i am also not defending mugabe. i think mugabe did it for self-serving purposes and not for the common good of zimbabwe's people ... however, do i feel that white people have any moral ground to stand on when they act disappointed that their land got RE-stolen from them ... nah not one inch. sorry white folks. i guess your land can get stoled too. and here i am learning to love you despite the fact that you stole it from us. thereby teaching us how to steal it ... ah i won't continue. i just forgive white people for stealing and i forgive mugabe for stealing it back. and i pray a serious, afrikan leader gets raised up from the dust of zimbabwe who has also forgiven white people and mugabe. cuz if he aint then there will be more chaos and strife and death and decay ... but unlike court orders hate is not irreversible. hearts change ... we can transcend the hate and learn to love. all of us.

African leaders from right, South African President, Thabo Mbeki, Jakaya Kikwete, From Tanzania, Morgan Tsvangirai, new Prime Minster of Zimbabwe, King Mswati of Swaziland, Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwean President and Arthur Mutambara, new deputy prime minster of Zimbabwe at the signing of the power sharing deal ceremony in Harare Monday, Sept, 15, 2008. The signers pledged to make the deal work even as violence among rival supporters outside demonstrated the continuing bitterness and monumental challenges ahead. The deal describes the seizure of the farms as irreversible and say Britain should compensate those whose land was taken. (AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi) You can read the entire article here.

sunday in savannah by nina simone

2008-09-14T09:30:00.000-07:00

i think one of the only things that sets this blog apart is that i'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. to expose my weaknesses. to be self-deprecating and honest with my flaws.

the only thing that makes this journey real is that it's not linear. i have setbacks. i fall back ... i relapse. this aint just about the cigarettes.

a recent turn of events illuminated how much further i have to go in loving myself. not just the cigarettes! ;) umm in these moments when my faith and hope feel a little thin and fragile ... i pray and i meditate. i try to regulate my breathing, focus on my breathing ... for many reasons other than calming it distracts the mind and then it clears the mind ...

anyway what i definitely love about myself is that i am always seeking to love myself. i won't give up. i'm relentless in trying to express my faith in God in that way. i am relentless in my belief that God will always help me.

so even on days like these ... my most humble prayers for peace and acceptance are answered. and i'm thankful.

reniggin

2008-09-13T16:53:00.001-07:00

i think writing a blog about it jinxed me. sigh. i'm bout to go get some cigarettes. well, i do love myself but i also love cigarettes ... the best part of loving myself, i have found, is forgiving myself and accepting me for who i am. i am a person with an addiction ... i am a person who sometimes fails at quitting cigarettes ... i'll just try again another day ... or week ... at least i don't have all that guilt, judgement, and victimization to deal with ... i just love me no matter what.

day 6

2008-09-12T06:42:00.000-07:00

yes. i gave up my cadillacs. i don't like to talk about it too much. cuz then i think about it. and then i want one and miss em ... but honestly, if i don't think about it i don't even notice. GOD is good. heck yeah i prayed! i understand that my enemy is stronger than my will. but as i was pondering my addiction and the nature of addiction in general i got to thinking that (as usual) the western world lied when they said there is one way to quit. maybe the western world didn't say that PER SE but there is a common pattern of western thinking that one size fits all ... one type of eduation, one kind of gym class, one kind of doctor ... what i mean is ... the fact that we don't tailor make clothes anymore ... the fact that we don't grow our own food ... the fact that a western yoga class doesn't take into consideration each individual's personhood ... it's all connected ... are you following me .... maybe not but this all led me to create the following list below ... i don't think this works for everyone's addictions (that was my original point) but i am sharing what worked for me ...

what helped ME to quit smoking:
1. staying away from people who smoke - stay away!
2. crashing my car - it was a sign! i shoulda never been in that chevron parking lot buying those contraband cigarettes
3. not thinking about it
4. going to bed early
5. replacing the habit with wine :) joke?
6. not going out to bars/clubs/social environments where there are lots of people who are drinking wine (or other liquors) and smoking AT THE SAME TIME
7. not talking about it
8. having a plan B: hypnosis
9. loving my daughter
10. loving myself -- i found that i smoked cuz i was bored ... it was a way to avoid being with myself sometimes ... i found that as the love for myself grew ... i am more engaged and entertained by my self without cigarettes ... cigarettes started getting in the way and my self made me choose ... cigarettes or me ...
11. prayer, prayer, prayer ... HE/SHE will change your heart and strengthen your resolve ... just ask ... and see what happens

THE END of smoking .... let's not talk about this ever again. it never happened. i never smoked.

are these real?

2008-09-11T14:00:00.001-07:00

the war of art

2008-09-10T08:37:00.001-07:00

i'm in it. to win it. it's why my blogs are short right now. i wake up and i work on other things. but this is the book (by steven pressfield) that taught me about the nature of making art to earn money ... and it taught me about the psychology of procrastination ... and once i understood my procrastinating soul i was able to master it. ok ok ok i am procrastinating right now so i have not MASTERED it. but this book gave me some tools to fight it. and one of the things the book realistically captures is the fact that it's a daily fight. the urge to run off and play and chuck the manuscript never leaves us. we wake up with the same dread and anxiety ... and we fight it. every. morning. so if there's a project, goal, calling ... you have been avoiding or just haven't been able to start ... this book is also for you. it's only like 90 pages and there's love, God, and angels in it. now, i'm going to start my work.

pale in comparison

2008-09-09T06:48:00.000-07:00

when comparing minorities palin just can't hold water against obama ... there's a story from the LA progressive that palin may have called obama 'SAMBO' ... i can't even be serious about racism anymore ... it's so old and tired ... i can only be sarcastic and facetious so all i can say is mcCain wasn't even smart enough not to get a potty-mouth VIP contender ... potty in her mouth ... yucky lady. should we revoke her minority card? sounds like that's what she wants ... she's not a minority ... she just a human republican (oxymoron?) who can get as racist as the best of em ... good to know miss sarah good to know.

now we payin fannie & freddie's bills too

2008-09-08T05:43:00.000-07:00

in case you missed it ... us taxpayers who earn maybe $10 per hour (ok just me?) will be bailing out multi-billion dollar companies, fannie mae and freddie mac ... cuz nobody trusts their word that the loans they made to banks who used the money to lend to homebuyers will ever be re-paid ... or that's what they tell us ... is it coincidence that people who sit on the board of directors for fannie and freddie are second-cousins to g.w. bush? no.

but you are now confronted with a choice. you can find out what's really going on ... why are fannie and freddie so tied to our ENTIRE financial system? why do two companies control almost 50% of all u.s. mortgages? yes, i personally know the answer but ... do you? and now that it effects your pocket will you burry your ass in the sand and add fannie and freddie's bills to your own ... or will you inform yourself about what's really going on? cuz let me tell you ... us taxpayers outnumber congress. we outnumber fannie mae. if we refused to stand for this ... and acted collectively ... of course, something could be done. but what will you do now? ... keep surfing the web or sieze control of your destiny. it is a hard choice. and i love you no matter what but damn ... i'd really love ChANGE.

from cnn: Together, Fannie and Freddie own or guarantee more than half of the U.S. mortgage market - that's more than $5 trillion in loans.

Here's how they work: Banks loan money to home buyers. The banks then sell those mortgages - assuming they meet certain credit standards - to Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.

But without an "explicit" guarantee from the U.S. government, the stock of both companies continued to drop, and major investors - including the central banks of Russia and China - started selling Fannie and Freddie bonds fast. That made it harder, and more expensive, for Fannie and Freddie to raise money.

That guarantee that investors wanted is now explicit. The U.S. government is now in the business of buying and reselling mortgages, and Paulson and his cohorts hope that sends the message that Fannie and Freddie are safe.

The bad news - taxpayers could get stuck with a $200 billion bill for the bailout.

from bbc:The federal takeover is one of the largest bail-outs in US history.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are so large and interwoven in our financial system that a failure of either of them would create great turmoil in financial markets here and around the globe."

from the springfield sun-times: "The bailout will give the mortgage industry a stability that we haven't had in a couple of years," said Rich Cosner, president of Prudential California Realty. "But frankly no, it won't help (struggling borrowers) to refinance."

stuff white people like the most ...

2008-09-07T07:47:00.000-07:00

is selling their product. making that money. ;) just kidding ... kinda.

but you know that website that used to be dope -- stuff white people like ... i'm officially taking it off my blog list. cuz all the blogs have become about promoting the blog-turned-book. not that i'm mad at their shameless promoting cuz we all gotta eat. i just thought blogs about what white people liked were funnier.

i'm thinking ... if my blog ever became a book ... i would create a different website to sell it on. new, fresh, inspired blogs are advertising in and of themselves ... here's how it works: i'ma go to your blogsite to read more good ass blogs and while there i could click on a link to find out more about the book and the book signings and the TV appearances ... as it stands ...

stuff white people like ... is fucking up thier blog once they get a book deal.

love wisdom

2008-09-06T05:00:00.000-07:00

[in my journey to seek God, heal my spirit, and re-define LOVE etc. etc. there were many books that brought me to where i am today. all of the writings of don miguel ruiz for starters: the four agreements, the mastery of knowledge, the mastery of love, and beyond fear. i read them in that order ... the ideas build on each other ...

below is an excerpt from beyond fear ... i wanted to share what i believe and where you can find more wisdom about it ... and don miguel is the first to say: don't believe him ... but also don't believe yourself! intuit, research and marinate on what you think is truth.]

The Toltec View of Love

Jesus taught that love is the essence of silent knowledge. The Toltecs also knew that the closer we get to love, the closer we get to God. Love is the opposite of fear. Love is that fire that does not burn, that purifies everything it touches, whereas fear is the fire that burns and destroys everything it touches. It is so difficult to put the meaning of love into words. It is easier to speak of the characteristics of love. In this way, we will see that the characteristics of love and those of fear are exact opposites. We can imagine two tracks, one of love and one of fear. By comparing them, we can see which track we are on. Miguel teaches that pure love is composed of seven characteristics:

1. Love has no expectations
Fear is filled with expectations.

2. Love has no obligations.
Fear is full of obligations. When we act from obligation, our resistance makes us suffer. When we fail to act on our obligations, we feel guilty.

3. Love has respect, not only for others, but also for ourself.
Fear respects nothing, including itself. When I feel sorry for myself, I do not respect myself. When I feel sorry for you, I do not repsect you.

4. Love is patient.
Fear is impatient.

5. Love does not pity.
Fear is filled with pity, especially self-pity.

6. Love is detached.
Fear is filled with attachments and the dread of having to let go.

7. Love is kind.
Fear is too self-involved to be kind.

unrequited love don't quit

2008-09-05T07:31:00.001-07:00

this picture is how i feel right now. looking off in the distance trying to have hope but failing. feeling resigned.

a lot of yall must think that i blog about love cuz i got some man or boyfriend tucked away at home. who rubs my feet at night and listens to my whining. who helps me bring groceries in the house. who takes me on long weekend trips. who interfaces with my mommy when i dont wanna talk. who strokes my back and tells me it'll be all right. nope.

maybe you think this young blogging girl is healthy and thick so she must have a stable of studs or a team of all-stars. one for friday. one for monday. and the dude who comes on wednesday who specializes in the backstroke. nah.

i have no romantic relationship.

why do i tell you this? cuz i dunno ... i found LOVE in other places.

i didn't always feel content to just be by myself. (don't get me wrong if i meet someone i really like it's on ...)

instead, i redefined what LOVE was for me. i aint salty that i have no man .... and i aint worried (all the time). of course, i am human and moments hit when i want etc etc but i already wrote a blog about that ... see the archives.

my point is that in the modern world ... in the majority of the world ... our idea of love is so small, so limited, so HUMAN ... i pushed myself to transcend those boundaries ... i forced myself to look at the LOVE i found in other places.

the love of my parents. the love of my daughter. the love of my wonderful friends. the love in the trees. the love in the sky. the love in those frozen crab cakes i pan sear at home. the love of fried green tomatoes with some goat cheese. the love i have for myself. you wanna hear what i love about ME? and this is a great excercise to do with yourself at home ... whenever ... just cuz or if you are feeling unloved and unworthy ...

what i love about myself list:
1. i am aware of GOD --- since i was little despite never attending church i was aware of a greater force in the world ... a spiritual entity ... that is ultimately benevolent. and when i was at my lowest i knew there was still a GOD to call upon - i just refused. see, if we believe GOD exists we will one day seek him even if we have been avoiding his kingdom all our lives. but if we don't think there is a God what will we seek?
2. my brain --- whether on drugs (joking ...) or frying an egg on the pavement i fucking love how my mind works. it is super slow when it comes to chemistry, mathematics, and building furniture. but it's super fast at reading people, reading books, finding the essence of information, and problem solving. it's also all the way out the box. i have yet to meet one person whose mind works like mine in that they see the things that i do.
3. my strength --- i aint even talking about how i was able to be a single mom, or relocate to atlanta, or do everything by myself. i am talking about confidence in my beliefs. i don't have to act on them to be strong. i don't have to shove them down the throats of others to be strong. i don't have to flex to show i'm strong. on the inside i am satisfied to simply do what i think is right. so what people say or think about me ... doesn't really control me. granted, i cared a lot more in junior high school but it was less than most of my peers. and it's always been that way. FUCK what the world thinks -- DO YOU! that's kinda how i operate. it was when i started judging myself through the eyes of others that i suffered severely.
4. my face and body --- i love my teeth are straight. i love my shape. i love being short. i love my toes, fingers and hands. they are pretty! i love my long haired eyebrows. i love my skin with its medium sized pores. i love my ears with their long lobes. i love my afro-chinois nose. i love my hair? not really - still working on that one. it's just too flat for me LOL. i love my stretch marks. i love my complexion? umm a lil too lite but it is what it is. i love my legs. i love my pointy chin.
5. my sense of humor --- whew! i love it! i can't even describe it ... and some people never get it.
6. my empathy --- i can feel others and i like being in tune with humans. i like being able to intuit what a person is going through. i can usually read a person so well i know if i want to trust them, if they are lying, if they are afraid, if they are jealous, and if they are insecure. this ability has saved me a lot of drama and heartache and it has also led me to wonderful experiences. i also love that i care about the world cuz it's what drives me to help make it a better place.
7. my artistic talent --- i love how i paint and write. we all have talents ... but they are all unique. i love my own particular brush stroke. it's intense. thick. heavy and strong. and my writing? i love how i put words together ... period.
8. my integrity --- i aint perfect by any means. i have broken promises ... sigh ... i have gone back on my word but for the most part ... i am what i say and i say what i am. i do the right thing most times. i don't cheat. i hate to lie except to people who hate the truth. and can't take it. i don't make excuses for myself. i always take accountability. i am usually the first to see where i was wrong. i don't play games. i don't put up facades. i don't take advantage of people - ever.

... that's enuff for today. i don't feel so much like the picture above anymore ... more like this pic to the right ... i feel like a little love muffin ... bursting with love cranberries ...

muah! go make a list for yourself! hug yo ass today!

** believe it or not i did not take these photos for this blog. already had em :)

non-violence works

2008-09-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

(my wonderful auntie shared this with me and the pics in the beginning really make this kinda moving ...)

random thoughts i had while watching this:

1. i know why black people don't fuck with dogs the way white people do
2. the pics of barack don't move me ... they shoulda kept it historical and just had one pic of him ... the drawing one with the word 'progress' woulda worked best
3. we still got a long way to go
4. BUT i sho am glad it aint 1963 (kinda ... i do have fantasies of being a black panther)
5. white people are tryna lose these old photos
6. LOVE can prevail ... if we live thru the struggle ... and injustice ... we will get to the other side ... (not the side where everything is perfect but the side we at now ... where we can breathe a lil bit more)

'merica

2008-09-02T06:06:00.000-07:00

hurricane gustav ... made me have an epiphany ....

my new theory is that america is no longer america ... at least not the america that many people BRAND and MARKET her to be (o.k. she never was but it's real obvious now) ... you know that "dream" of america which does include the 'american dream' version as well as this notion that we are a 'first world,' highly developed, super-CIVILIZed, leader of the 'free-market' world... when they took countries out of the 3rd world and put them in the first world, when they took africa, india, and latin america and colonized them the excuse was that europeans were more CIVILIZED ... cuz of, you know, real important things like they wore long skirts and ties and they ate with forks ...

but all that to say america is no longer america ... we are now a bootleg version of our own illusion ... let me explain why i'm downgrading us to business class, to third world, to the bottom of the international pecking order ...

i first thought this cuz of gustav. i mean ... how civilized is it not to rebuild the levees in four years ... but then again the rest of new orleans has also yet to be rebuilt hmmm ... and 85% of the people aint back (not an exact percentage) ... and many refugees still live in trailers issued by the government that turned out to be toxic and cause cancer ... and what about FEMA in GENERAL -- ... a gov. body that is as corrupt as nigeria (NOT an insult to nigeria) ... and then i thought about how the folks would evacuate and gas stations would run out of gas (not very american) and ATMs would be out of money (not american at all)

and supermarkets would have no food or water (so unamerican) and the traffic out of NO would turn a 7 hour drive into 20 hours (kinda american) ...

then i thought .... has the 9/11 destruction been re-built ... no ... there are still craters in the earth and condemned buildings in the bowery ... there is still no 9/11 memorial ...

which led me to think about where our money is at ... oh, iraq ... so if a future disaster or terrorist attack hit ... that shit wouldn't get rebuilt either ...

and this got me thinking about our infrastructure as a whole ... education (is that infrastructure? not sure but it's pretty fucking important) is at an all time low ... kids i taught in philly didn't know what or where the u.s. capital city was ... no bullshit ... and umm the dollar is now valued at less than the euro almost twice as less huh ... our current president is g.w. bush ... and it was americans who voted for him ... health insurance - what's left of it - SUCKS ... jobs that ALWAYS carried health care no longer even offer it ... if they do offer it it's like the cost of college ... and oh that's rising too and gov grants for college are also dwindling ... banks are closing and homes are foreclosing ... is the american dream moving into an apartment?

i would move to cuba but there's a hurricane there. i would move to canada but it's too cold. venezuela and brasil are the last two left on my list ... and ghana is definitely an option ...

cuz as far as i'm concerned this country is now just called 'merica -- it's fourth-world and dropping fast ...(no, i don't believe we can rank worlds it's just cuz i know AMERICA takes their ranking quite seriously.) i told yall ... it's HARD for me to love america with all her pre-occupation with ranking, order, money, materialism ... she always forgets that a country is only as strong as its PEOPLE. and it's only the people that make it a nation.

2006 state of the world address

2008-08-30T05:00:00.000-07:00

(i wrote this on monday, october 30, 2006 at 9:35 p.m. but sadly much of it still applies. this is the negativity in the world that fuels me to blog. this is the destruction, death, and mayhem which needs a lot of LOVE rubbed all over it. and this is more of why we still can't wait.)

chaos theory at the end of october 2006

what is the goal
of israel's fresh new raids on gaza?
israel seems to get no
closer to eradicating
hamas
why is the issue of muslim women wearing
veils even up for debate?
is this not the first tenet of western liberal democracy:
freedom of choice
but nobody seems to hear
the implicit euro-centricism and euro-supremacy
underlying the "veil" debate
and the linking of the anti-veil argument
to a false notion of UNIVERSAL
culture&common sense
sense is not common
cuz then someone would really
put a stop to darfur
instead of throwing all these
concerts and forming U.N.
commissions
and it's easy to ignore all the unrest
still unfolding in somalia
and their hints of war with ethiopia
because we've BEEN ignoring them
since the black hawk went down
but what really trips me out is
how robin thicke has so much soul
and how we get on the train everyday
with mllions of random people
but we can't talk
cuz in this modern society
my life has nothing
to do
with yours
right
i wonder when i wander
thru target why little dogs get more
accessories than
homeless people
and more attention
than starving people
these little fucking dogs are becoming
the opiate of the masses
karl marx is rolling in his grave
and sartre is saying
i told you so
i'm not impressed with kerry's comments
either but they are
slightly more important
than who or how madonna
adopts children
and ahhhhhh where are the whispers
about shutting down the concentration camp
commonly referred to
as GITMO
or -- for those who failed to see that great
tom cruise/jack nicholson collabo --
guantanamo bay
no, i cannot handle the truth
the truth about
the depths of human depravity
overwhelm me sometimes, Lord
the man who cut a two year
old clitoris off - his child's -
with a scissor
the three school shootings in
one week
russian women for sale all over
my e-mail account
bullets flying STILL in jamaica
and in queens
much closer to home the good Lord agrees
that i should weep
for my little brothers and sisters
who go to school EVERY DAY
late and without a bookbag
and play playstation and cards
and tag and kill the teacher
who don't know their own value
i even get discouraged by my
black bourgeousie &
RBG afro chic
naturalistic contingent
all the "talented" tenth
wasting their time
college education
and wasting a historical legacy
of freedom
fighters
and their hot breath
in be-moaning the death of hip hop
and the proliferation of the word nigga
i can't read the news anymore
cuz i know it's death
and destruction
i can't listen to world leaders anymore
cuz they keep saying the same
old thing upholding the same old status
quo

my heart is so heavy

but i'ma do my little part
plug away at my slice of the pie
keep carving my niche of like-minded individuals
cuz i also know
the revolution begins in my heart
and dies with each spirit
that gives up

more break your heart news ...

2008-08-29T08:29:00.000-07:00

sigh ... i think mcCain has officially lost it ... he watched the DNC convention and he forgot he was in america ... and then he picked his running mate. 44-year-old female gov. of alaska ... who is this lady? mcCain looks like an ass for picking a running mate with no experience and all the credentials that don't matter: opposite sex, opposite age, opposite skin tone ... could they have been anymore obvious and CONTRIVED? go hip hop republicans! your mcCain picked a winner! LOL how can i learn to love mcCain ... i am finding it hard to find any compassion for him so i'ma pray on that.

and who is this sad and sorry looking guy? this is the marine who just got aquitted of murdering four iraqis in falluja, iraq. he did that shit. and justice in america remains missing in action. maybe it's in iraq? nah, probly not. i remember reading about these murders in 2007 ... he did that shit. they acquitted him cuz there wasn't enuff 'evidence' or so the bbc article says. and there wasn't enough evidence cuz two of his fellow marines refused to testify ... i find it hard to feel love for these particular marines ... but actually it's easier to forgive them than john mcCain. these young men enter combat situations and lose their minds. i can dig it. what's mcCain's excuse .... ahh wait a minute ... maybe he thinks he's still in combat ...

now i feel compassion for them. i almost forgive them. but my observations still hold. i still want justice. you can feel both at the same time.

standardly & 'loverly' barefoot: cassandra wilson's latest album

2008-08-28T09:14:00.001-07:00

** this review was written for soulbounce.com but i aint sure it's posted there yet ...

Standard is not typical of Cassandra Wilson. In fact, her only typical trait is that she is atypical. Yet her latest release, “Loverly,” is filled primarily with renditions of standard jazz classics. Because convention is not her strong point (it’s been twenty years since she did an album like this) it’s no wonder that Wilson puts her foot into every standard on the album and rechannels old wine into new skin. Cassandra who is often described as ‘willful’ and ‘barefoot’ stayed true to those adjectives when she decided to rent a house in her home state of Mississipi, turn it into a recording studio, and lay down the album in a five-day recording session. The result of her efforts is a fresh, barefoot, eclectic, intuitive, unorthodox, and masterful classic jazz album.

Wilson’s vocal delivery is excellent as she tailors her voice and intonation to fit the essence and energy of each song. Cassandra eases into the first track, “Lover Come Back to Me,” in smooth, honey tones as she rides the swing of the beat and devolves into an almost-scat. The pianist, Jason Moran, tinkles so fast you feel like ivory teardrops are falling on top of each other and Nicholas Payton’s trumpet solo is even more searing than Cassandra’s voice. Cassandra and the trumpet play off of each other as she uses her tongue and mouth and teeth more as percussion instruments.

When Wilson croons about “lots of chocolate to eat … warm hands, warm feet” on the song which is also the album’s namesake, “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly,” she manages to sound both Nat-King-Cole-ole- school and with the help of the electric guitar’s presence modern and revitalizing at the same time. The band never hesitates, never stutters and consistently delivers in every genre: swing, blues, afro-latin, and everything in between that comprises this album.

The surprising and refreshing treat of the album is Cassandra and her band’s take on a classic that has been performed by Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett, “Gone With the Wind.” The use of the hand-drums, the electric guitar, the opening counter-rhythm, and the rolling piano come together to give this very, old song a brand new empowering feel. Cassandra’s humming transmits as strong a melodic message as her words. The irony of African drums on ‘Gone with the wind’ is also not lost on the listener.

Wilson introduces Mid-East influences to her Afro-Latin theme in her highly syncopated and jamming version of “Caravan.” Afro-Latin rhythms also permeate Cassandra’s rendition of “Til There Was You” giving this timeless song movement and heat which are counterbalanced by funky riffs from Marvin Sewell’s electric guitar. One of the few non-standard songs on the album, “Arere,” fully immerses itself in its Afro-Cuban tradition and provides a highly percussive, spiritual earthiness that grounds the album but maintains it’s jazz roots by way of the strong, forceful piano performance. Robert Wilson’s “Dust My Broom,” is wonderfully interpreted by Cassandra who channels all of her Jackson, Miss. roots to lay her blues on top of the original songwriter’s. “Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most,” is an organic, futuristic vision of an old classic with it’s trembling acoustic guitar and Cassandra’s soft, raspy, billowy vocals pulling at your heartstrings.

This album is barefoot, in part, because the technical recording aspect is not formal, exact, or perfect. In Wilson’s intense and focused delivery of “The Very Thought of You,” there are some sounds of reverb and she drifts in and out of the mic clearly conveying the feel of a live recording. On other tracks improvised shouts and chatter can be heard. This album will make you feel as if Cassandra Wilson ran her standard jazz barefoot through deep southern grass and rolled its toes in the African blood soaked dirt.

i posted two of my favorite tracks for you to sample ...

why we still can't wait

2008-08-27T10:46:00.001-07:00

example A: an article that appeared in the ny times was titled "Blacks Debate Civil Rights Risk in Obama’s Rise"and it was all about whether the symbol of Obama fools people (white and black alike) into thinking racism was over. now ... isn't there a saying that goes something like ... you can only fool a fool? america is full of fools.

example B: i wrote about this incident -- In March or April 2007, three noncommissioned United States Army officers, including a first sergeant, a platoon sergeant and a senior medic, killed four Iraqi prisoners with pistol shots to the head as the men stood handcuffed and blindfolded beside a Baghdad canal, two of the soldiers said in sworn statements. -- on a different blogsite when the american soldiers were just heading into court ... this is another good reason to vote for mcCain ... sike ... read about the outcome of the trial here.

MLK jr. wrote the book, "why we can't wait" ... i'm ready to get into some non-violent disobedience and some revolutionary LOVE acts ... we can't wait.

breaking news?

2008-08-26T13:38:00.000-07:00

1. the olympics are over? hmmm i missed it. i heard a mexican won america a medal but that he wasn't a legal citizen. that about sums up the olympics for me ... i did see some diving and that's always hot ... how they do that shit. i love gymnastics but i missed that too.

2. michelle obama made a speech? lol missed that too! i have retired from the remainder of this presidential race. i mean ... i'm still loving how america is all lost in translation now that there is a black candidate but other than that ... i'ma vote for barack and ... i don't expect much else to change in amerikkka. oh, unless WE the PEOPLE become better human beings. the dnc convention is a dog and pony show. watch them wag the dog. either way michelle obama is the shit if for no other reason than her fits is super fashion forward ... and i heard she gave a bomb ass speech yesterday. google it yaself.

3. e-40 is the new savior of hip hop?! this is the worst news yet ... LOL ... i'm in my new car listening to the radio and shit and this song comes on ... the intro is all about how this song was going to give hip hop substance again and people think hip hop is dead and nobody aint rappin about nothing anymore ... except ... e-40. really? google that yourself too. the song really isn't worth listening to again.

4. andre benjamin has no new album coming out. but i wish he did and that it was all rap.

5. someone (a very good BROTHER LOL) put me on to this site: http://hiphoprepublican.com ... you already know where i'm going with this? WHO GIVES A FUCK IF YOU LISTEN TO HIP HOP AND YOU REPUBLICAN?? do you think that is like being a DOWN-ASS republican? or is it a synonym for COOL republican? does it cancel out the fact that you're a shit-for-brains republican? LOL i am jus playing ... but mcCain aint ... he will throw your hip hopper ass under the bus too. good luck with that and let me know how it works out!

5. it rained for three days straight in atlanta.

6. the sun came out! (then it rained again while the sun was out)

7. and i just realized michelle obama has the same kind of dimple on the side of her chin like me!

phase 3 -- operation save my life: the unknown

2008-08-25T08:45:00.000-07:00

i didn't know what would await me in atlanta in june. i BELIEVED that i could get work before i moved out there. i BELIEVED i could find an apt in five days ... i BELIEVED that the rental car would end up paying for itself (or i would end up being able to pay for it) ...

i could have made a better list of restuaurants and called them all ahead of time etc etc but i thought i was doing good by printing out the addresses ... i had asked "industry" people i knew what restaurants were hot and where i might find big tips ... i also did a blind search on the net ... i had 15-20 restaurants staked out ... i ended up visiting about 12 ...

people were telling me that this was a personality industry and i prayed it was true cuz all i really had going for me was ... personality ... see, you never met me but if you ever did ... or if i ever get this video blog off the ground ... you'll know what i'm talking about. so anyways, even if i do have a warm smile and bright eyes is that enough to get me a job???

yes.

from my first interview to my last i got great feedback. folks took time to talk to me. many told me to call back for an interview. one told me to return for an interview (never mind they weren't there when i came back - it's part of life.) and several told me to call them when i returned to atlanta for good.

once i stepped into the unknown i realized my dreams really were possible.

if we keep looking at the unknown from a distance we will never KNOW.

both my feet were plunged in and it was at the last interview where something CLICKED. i just felt right. i loved the look of the three-story, fancy pants, french-esque restaurant that was in the heart of midtown atlanta. the woman who interviewed me mentioned that someone was quitting in a few weeks and that my timing (GOD) was perfect. she said she could start me as a hostess and then i could possibly train as a waitress. she gave me her personal cell and i had a feeling the job was mine. i told her i would call her in two weeks when i was back in the A.

as for housing ... i was blessed with many options. friends had invited me stay with them. but i was reluctant to impose on anyone. so, i looked at a few apartments in certain neighborhoods but i felt overwhelmed by how huge the atlanta metro area was. the biggest blessing is that my daughter's grandmother - BD's mom - owned an apartment complex that was down the street from my daughter's new school. the unknown part is that i didn't know what the apartments looked like or if i would like them. i kinda knew that God had my back ... he had set something aside for me ... and he did.

the grace and mercy is that my daughter's grandmother was an angel who offered me flexiblity and love ... in a landlord.

bi-level 2BR townhomes with eat-in kitchens ... some other tenant left a washer/dryer behind ... we can move that in your apartment she said ... i wanted light cuz i paint ... i found a sunny unit with brand new carpeting ... good condition ... the area is transitioning ... used to be way hood but now it's only hood depending on who you talk to ... aint all that hood to me ... i hear birds chirping ... and crickets humping ... and sometimes just wind moving in between leaves ... oh, and it's in my price range ... i was sold!!!!

i flew back to nyc with contentment in my heart ... i had saved the money i needed, i had an apartment, and i was pretty sure i had a job ... i gave notice the next day!

of course, some folks had to warn me that a lot of restaurants promise girls they can become servers but they never come thru ... they just keep you as a hostess and wear you out ... this is true. i had already heard this. but this wasn't going to be my story (and if it was i had a plan B) cuz that thing in me that i've had since i was little went off in my brain: i write my own story and when i work hard and try my best things change/move/open and the impossible becomes possible ...

i also placed the job outcome all in God's hands. i didn't try to figure out with my intellect which job was better, sexier, etc. ... i let God do her thing ... and she did me right. i didn't worry or stress. that was my covenant. God knew he had my total trust and faith.

the woman from that fancy-pants french restaurant called me before i even got to atlanta. she called the day i was driving down - that's how anxious she was to hire me. when i got her message two days later (i had just arrived in atlanta and i was exhausted after driving for 20 hours) i called her right away. she asked me to come in for a second interview with her GM and other managers. i was there - early.

i was hired and started work the first week i had arrived in atlanta.

i never imagined it would happen just like this. that everything would fall into place. i mean i had FAITH but to witness it unfold before your very eyes ... is encouraging, heartening, and doubly inspiring.

love your dream. cuz God put it in you. and he will see you thru to the end of the rainbow.

phase 4 coming soon ... the picture is of a painting i have been working on for 7-8 years ... it's only one small reason why i moved - so i can finish it!

counting the reasons

2008-08-23T09:32:00.000-07:00

why i love bam bam ... cuz of stories like the one below ... i don't know that nigra from hole in the wall but in general i like people who call others out in a teasing manner ... it means he is not afraid of human to human contact ... he is not afraid to go off script ... unless this was scripted but i doubt it. got this story from a political blog at nytimes.com:

August 21, 2008, 8:08 pm
What Would Miss Manners Say?
By Katharine Q. Seelye
CHESAPEAKE, Va. — Cell phone etiquette may have sunk to a new low.
A man attending a town hall meeting here with Senator Barack Obama was yakking on his phone while Mr. Obama was speaking Thursday. Mr. Obama noticed him and called him out on it, so to speak.
“Now, this gentleman is on the phone,” a slightly amazed Mr. Obama told the crowd of a couple of thousand people seated attentively before him in a school gym. He had been talking about the economy but stopped. Gesturing to the man, Mr. Obama told him: “Get off the phone.”

The man said something inaudible, and Mr. Obama, who assumed the man was talking to his wife, replied: “Now you’ll really have something to tell her when you call her back.” Pause. “Oh, he says it wasn’t his wife,” Mr. Obama said, eliciting a big groan from the audience.
“That’s worse,” Mr. Obama said. “I hope your wife wasn’t watching on TV when you just said that.”
The candidate said he was just teasing and then carried on with his discussion.

baby bag mama

2008-08-22T09:39:00.000-07:00

i was fascinated when i heard erykah badu might be pregnant for the third time by a different man. not for the usual reasons ... i don't judge that woman and i don't care how many kids she has ... i fuks with erykah (i guess mostly on a musical level) and i am equally fascinated by lauryn hill and her five kids ... but uh i really wanted to know more bout erykah cuz i wanted to know who her new BD (baby daddy) was and if he was cute ... so when i clicked on this site ... i wasn't ready to discover his real identity OR read what e. badu (as analogue girl) had to say to okayplayer.com ... she is livid bout all the gossip and judgement and speculation ... i thought i would let her voice be heard some mo ... in the pic is the the new BD -- jay electronica?? never heard of 'im ... but here's a link to a song he did featuring guess who ... but the real irony is ... do i hear a sample on that track from a song a different rapper who used to date erykah badu used on a previous album?! if i'm wrong leave a comment but that sounds a lot like ...

and then below is also what she had to say on the matter ... none of this could be true -- she could be very UNpregnant, this man in the pic could be her cuzzin, and she may not have really wrote this so don't be an ass and assume everything you read is true. and lastly in my humble opinion her new dude is not cute to me. dre is still reigning BD champ! but a TRUE word of advice to the haters: don't fuck wit nobody MAMA ..............

badu? words:
peace,
HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE QUEENDOM

…AND MY CHILDREN AND MY INTELLIGENCE.

ive never been so disgusted in all of my life .
there is no other place i used to enjoy more .
i post no where else .
you guys have taken an all time low , tho.

I’LL STATE MY PEACE

i am a great mother and care giver to my 2 children and to this world .
my children are 2 of the kindest and happiest people i have met.
I home schooled them and taught them the ways of good to the best of my ability.
i am their doctor and their nurse .
and even sometimes their mother and their father.

i am an excellent mother and resent all of the negative comments and insults on my character.
I PUT MUCH TIME AND THOUGHT INTO HAVING AND RAISING MY CHILDREN.
IVE HAD THE HONORS OF HAVING 2 HOME BIRTHS AND 2 WONDERFUL PARTNERS BY MY SIDE.

every relationship i have been in was because i loved the person DEARLY and was dedicated to us “exclusively” FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.

the fathers of my children are my brothers and friends .
we have a great deal of respect for one another and always will.
WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN TO NO END.
we took our own “vows” and CONTINUE TO UPHOLD THEM.
AND THAT IS WHAT THAT IS .

question?
WHAT IS MARRIAGE ?
WHO IS THE JUDGE?
WE ONLY UNDERSTAND THE EXAMPLES WE ARE GIVEN ( well sort of)

WOULD IT “LOOK BETTER ” TO MARRY AND DIVIORCE AND MARRY AGAIN ?
WOULD THAT BE MORALLY CORRECT ?
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE ? the government’s involvement i guess.
IDEALLY , IT WOULD BE EXCELLENT TO FIND THE MAN OR WOMAN WHO FULFILLS YOUR SPIRIT AND STAY FOR EVER AND EVER ( thru sickness and health till death do us part ) AND HAVE HEALTHY STRONG CHILDREN AS A RESULT OF A HEALTHY AND STRONG UNION.
(this CAN happen … we need much training , however.)

OR

IS IT REALLY “GOOD” TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH PARTIES ARE UNFULFILLED , LONGING FOR RELIEF , BRINGING one another down as a result of improper training , creating BAD ENERGY AND EXPERIENCES FOR THE CHILD TO REPEAT ?
(not to mention breeding deceit and anger and resentment )
SEEMS TO CREATE FEARFUL CHILDREN WHO TURN INTO FEARFUL ADULTS .

HOW MANY OF YOU GREW UP IN 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE MISERABLE AS F$%K ?
OR 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE NOT PERFECT BUT WORKED?
HOW MANY GREW UP IN ONE PARENT HOMES WHERE THE MOTHER WORKED HARD TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE CARED FOR BUT SHE WASNT QUITE HAPPY?
HOW ABOUT A HOME WHERE THE FATHER WAS THE MAIN CARE GIVER AND DID THE BEST HE COULD -LACKING NURTURE?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE A SIBLING THAT HAS A DIFFERENT FATHER OR MOTHER?
DOES HE OR SHE MEAN LESS TO YOU?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MORE THAN 1 MOTHER OR FATHER OF YOUR OWN CHILDren ?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAD /OR / ARE PARENTS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN ,THAT DONT QUITE FIT ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS?
HOW MANY OF YOU STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR FEAR OF GOING TO HELL?
HOW MANY [women] OUT THERE … THAT HAVE KIDS TO GET A PAYDAY?
HOW MANY PEOPLE GETTING THEY ASS KICKED AND ARE FORCED TO SUBMIT CAUSE YO MAMA GOT HER A%S KICKED?
THEN WHAT is CORRECT?

how about this:

I PRAY WITH MY CHILDREN
I FEED THEM GOOD FOOD
THEY RESPECT PEOPLES DIFFERENCES
THEY TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH ME
THE KNOW WHO THEY ARE
THEY ADORE THEIR FATHERS AND ARE LOVED BY 2 PARENTS OR MORE -
OR TWO OR MORE SETS OF LOVING GRANDPARENTS
THEY CRY
THEY GET HURT
THEY GET SICK
THEY HEAL

THEY ARE real

THEY ARE NOT AN IDEA or a TOPIC
AND NEITHER AM I .
I AM ALIVE .
I AM BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I AM A GOOD WOMAM.
I AM GROWING
I AM COMPLETE WITH OR WITHOUT A PARTNER AND WILL ALWAYS BE
AND I HAVE DREAMS OF A FAMILY STRUCTURE
ALL OF MY DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
AND DESPITE ALL OF THE PAIN IN MY LIFE …
IN MY MOTHERS LIFE …
IN MY GRANDMOTHERS LIFE
WE HAVE ALWAYS ENDURED
AND THERE IS SO MUCH JOY TO BE EXPERIENCED.
I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE -
BUT MY CHILDREN DO , AND THEY LOVE THEIR ‘PARENTS’ .

WE ARE THEIR CHAMPIONS .

live how you want . follow which ever pattern YOU like .
MY CHILDREN WILL BE LEADERS
and they will not ever be slaves to this society’s failing idea of morality.
THEY OWN THEIR MINDS AND THEIR DREAMS.

BIRTH CONTROL lol … could have 10 babies instead of 2 .

I LOVE CHILDREN AND I WILL HAVE AS MANY AS GOD WILL GIVE ME .

I AM VERY HEALTHY AND RESPONSIBLE AND SO ARE ALL OF MY PARTNERS

I CHOSE THEM WISELY AND SOBERLY .

ALL GOOD BROTHERS .

your opinions lack experience and are not only careless but also very uninformed and immature.

nothing is sacred here . and i see why.

if i loose you as a fan because i want to continue to have children then
FUCK OFF… WHO NEEDS YOU ….CERTAINLY NOT ME … KICK ROCKS … CALL TYRONE … PACK LIGHT …. BITE ME

i have defended myself here ON THIS SITE and hurled a few insults .. but only in response to your insults of
my music , my clothes , my lyrics , my hair , my being a woman , my spirit, my choices of partners….
these have all been on trial here . and i continued to support the energy of this place .

this is to all the okay players / REAL HUMAN BEINGS hiding behind screen names in order to insult one another and who ever else you will.

geeeez…
i had to say something
i am so sad for parents who try , today guys
enough is enuf.

dont judge to quickly , OKAY PLAYER?

i know you are having fun , but what if it were you and your children?
my son is 10 .
my daughter, 4 .

peace

ANALOGUE GIRL

and if this post is not clear
kiss my placenta.

phase 2 -- operation save my life: the long hard winter

2008-08-21T14:00:00.000-07:00

sometimes you just got to put your nose to the grindstone. and keep chugging. wake up everyday (late) round 7 am .... if lucky. take the baby to school. go to work. work at work (or not). pick the baby up. walk half a mile home in 7 year old legs. make/buy/fake some dinner. check baby's homework. tickle baby. give the baby a bath. put the baby to bed. take a shower. fall out.

wake up and do it all over again.

from december to july it was the hardest part of my plan: the sucking it up and being patient part.

in the little free time i had i looked up stuff about atlanta on the internet. i put all my furniture in storage. i prayed a lot ... i fell asleep around 10 pm a lot. i lived on credit when my salary couldn't cover all the bills. i humbled myself and allowed myself to accept gifts and assistance from my family and friends.

i still gave like i had money in the bank. i sent books to a lot of friends that winter ... i still had some ridiculously expensive work lunches. i did not worry and i did not stress about money or moving or getting a job or getting a car. i spoke with the Lord and i said "Lord, if you want me to do this and this is part of your plan for me then i know you will make a way. i will trust you to send me to the right restaurant. I will expect that you will provide me and my daughter with adequate housing. I will lean on your timing. i will have faith that what money is not here today will be there one day when i really truly need it. i will know i am going the right way because there will be little or no resistance to my plans."

i had a lot of folks to pay ... the fed hit me up for thousands, the price of oil made the price of heating gas skyrocket, back taxes popped up, the price of tea in china ... and despite all these unexpected expenditures i met my saving targets. i had more money in the bank than ... ever? i also had more credit card debt but ... i had accomplished a major goal. at many points during that winter i wasn't sure how or if i would save enough but i did my best and GOD did the rest.

i had never in my adult life been without a job except when i was in grad school. i wasn't worried but many around me were ... and at times the questions would hit me: what if it takes me two months to find a restaurant job? what if the fact that i have limited restaurant experience gets in the way? where are you going to live? what if baby daddy flips the script?

and i would answer myself: then, that means it's not to be and you will go look for a job somewhere else; and if worse comes to worse my generous friends have opened their homes to me; as for baby daddy i can only pray. but damn, did my brain sound braver than i felt. i still aint worry. what would be the point? i was as excited to FAIL as i was to SUCCEED. have you ever felt like that?

now that the hardest part of my plan is over ... i can't even remember what it was like to be cold that winter ... i am just glad i made it through.

and as winter melted into summer i made plans to visit atlanta on june 27th to scout out restaurants, find an apartment, and get the lay of the land. i gave notice at my job on july 4th.

you will have to read the next installment of 'operation save my life' to find out what happened when i visited atlanta in june ...

love sightings on august 20th of 2 thousand & 8

2008-08-20T17:45:00.000-07:00

1) i got a hug from a coworker today. emphasis on the word coworker cuz they not a friend, they not family, we don't hang out outside of work for good reason, they are the closest thing to a stranger. BUTT that's the only grown up who has hugged me today. and in the past ... i diminished the power of random acts of kindness and love. today i treasure it and appreciate it.

2) my daughter kissed my toes ... i just got a pedicure - relax ... the point is ... it was sweet and tingly.

phase one: operation save my life

2008-08-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

(written on 12/8/07)

so, i moved in with the folks. there is only one word: stifling.

i wish i could take a picture of myself ... smoking cigarettes out of the window. the window looks out on a little umm alley and it's so cramped brooklyn quarters ... apartment buildings half a foot apart ya mean?

i wish i could turn into a bird and fly ... anywhere.

i wish i could find some money on the street ... and move ... anywhere.

i wish i could at least have room to pull my easel and my yoga mat out ... it's one at a time. no, i never did paint while doing yoga at the same time.

i wish my parents would smoke fags (british word for cigarettes that i love) with me!

my mom did do that shot of patron ....

they cool enough. i guess.

it just feels like day 5 of a prison term i already served ... in high school.

but i'm going to become (not there yet) an inspiration for all grown adults who live at home with their parents. i am actually thankful that i at least have a roof over my head. thankful that they ignore me smoking cigarettes out the window. thankful that i have a bed. thankful that i have heat. thankful that they have room enough for my daughter! that's a biggie ... and that she has a bed even though she has taken to sleeping on the floor ...

i am immersing myself in gratitude. cuz then i don't notice so much that i have become the unofficial dishwasher.

product plug: bliss exfoliator

2008-08-18T06:36:00.000-07:00

this is the truth right here. for any male or female who cares about the skin on they face. i don't work for bliss. i aint no name brand whore. i consider this a public service. only tryna help yall out, show a little love ;) this exfoliator works magic.

kiss the mirror

2008-08-17T07:45:00.000-07:00

(written on 11/27/07)

yeah yeah love yourself. but what happens in those moments (could be twilight or it could be dawn) when you want a hug from another human being who is not related to you. i was going through it yesterday.

i wanted physical contact with a non-relative! it was not sexual. i just be wanting a hug. a snuggle. a spoon. a rub. a squeeze. a kiss on the throat. doesn't even have to be the lips! no tongue! dry, soft, warm pressure on my skin is just fine.

but nowhere.

i am the only one here. i look in the mirror. i cry a little. i talk to myself. i start to hug myself. i pray. i ask God for the answers. i talk to my daughter and i kiss her cheeks.

i look in the mirror again. i just struggle through it. i write in my diary. i count my blessings that i DO have ... i take a hot shower and lather myself with love.

i struggle through it.

i look in the mirror one last time. and i kiss me. square on the lips.

somebody had to do it!

lost in translation: ludacris is politically here

2008-08-15T10:29:00.000-07:00

ooooo i love it! more overt examples of hip hop's engagemnet in politics ...

i am sure some of you have heard about obama and ludacris ... ludacris made a song, "politics: obama is here," and obama denounced it blah blah ...

of course obama denounced it! hip hop is still villified ... he can't be associated with us clown ass negroes ... and i'm glad he knows it ... he knows how to play the game.

moving on: the song is hilarious and great! i just love hearing on my speakers "hillary hated so that bitch is irrelevant." YES! IRRELEVANT :) here's a clip of the song:

in the world of hip hop we all understand that ludacris did not in fact call hillary a bitch but referred to her using the pronoun, "bitch." now, the outside world and most presidential campaign managers will translate this song much differently (as they already have) ....

why do i love to hear this shit on my speakers? because it's art and opinion. it is not fact. i like to hear my experience expressed out loud and in public. i like to hear my world reflected in my speakers. it's also known as --- FREEDOM OF SPEECH. nothing more, nothing less.

you can read more and/or listen to an npr broadcast on this topic.

i can't wait for the fuckin REMIX bitches ..... ;0

structural adjustment NOT the IMF: operation save my life

2008-08-13T08:00:00.000-07:00

prologue: i traveled to brasil for my 30th birthday in october of 2007. i was so happy there i wanted it to last forever. one night my two homegirls and i laid under the night stars and watched them shoot across the sky. i don't know what them other two was thinkin bout but i was praying and dialoguing with the universe. i begged the night sky for a way to change my life. at that time - almost a year ago - i was unhappy at my job because i wanted to pursue other passions. i was miserable being a single mom and trying to maintain everything by myself. i was lonely in nyc with few friends and no social life. and i had come to intensely dislike dirty, stressful, crowded, loud new york city. when i returned from brasil i opened my mind. i thought way out of the box and i embraced sacrifice as i conceived the plan below. then i came to understand that when you are in love with your journey there is no sacrifice. it's all love. and love has its seasons. a season to sow, plant, and work hard. and a season to fall back and watch the blooms of your efforts crack through the earth all on their own. and some other seasons too.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
(written on 11/11/07)

fuck the IMF! uh i just kinda had to get that out. not very loving of me but hey, workin on it ...

this is about a more micro-personal SAP (structural adjustment plan). you know, i said in a previous blog that God gave me an idea of how i can change my life and get me FREE. here it is:

1) i'm moving. yep. packing it in. following my baby daddy across america so i can get three hours a day to paint and write. or more?

i am a painter. i don't just blog blog blog. i do portraits. naked people and faces. i think one day i'll sell my paintings for millions. poor folks will ALWAYS get a discount. i'd sell my painting for a dollar if you really were broke. but if you rich ... hand over the mill.

2) i'm leaving my current career field. it is education ... i love the kids! but i gotta do my art. i WILL come back to education once i get those millions. i plan to use the art to make the money (and make me happy why not) and then use the money to ... SAVE THE WORLD ... ok ok just CHANGE the world a lil bit.

so ... in the romantic version of this blog ... i'm driving off into the sunset to become a waitress. that's what artists do right? i can't WAIT to get from behind this desk. i'm kinda looking forward to being a waitress. cuz for one i LOVE food. and for two i LOVE helping people. and now i will be helping people to eat food that will make them happy. perfect. so what my feet will hurt.

3) i gotta go live with my mama ... for six months. nothing without a price. i love my mama don't get me wrong. but she still .... my mama ... i think this step in the plan speaks for itself. all you need to know is i'ma be a little stifled in close quarters with my daughter, my mom, and my daddy and i'ma be saving $mONEY$. i need money right now like i need water. can't get enough, might run out and die of thirst ... it makes me happy to just save money.

4) i'm giving up the goat. in other words: slowly going to cleanse my old belief systems and replace them with something enitrely, unconditionally loving.

5) i'm giving up shopping. yuck. this is related to the saving money shit. self-explanatory.

6) i'm giving up my expensive work lunches ....... this one made me shed a tear. i said i love to eat. i'm cooking more at home ........ the AGONY!

7) i'm thinking of ways to increase my income ... you might see me and donald trump making real estate deals one day. that is all i can divulge right now.

well, that's about it ... it requires an incredible amount of action items in a very short time period. but i'd like women and men to know you are never stuck. sometimes we gotta pray. marinate on the solutions. meditate on our deepest desires and blockages. get out of our own way. get down to the nitty gritty. and change yo life.

nah, i never been a waitress before.

7 summer songs

2008-08-03T16:18:00.001-07:00

a blogger friend of mine - ill mami - posted her seven summer songs of 08 and then she CHALLENGED me to do the same ... so the tape above plays the 7 songs that came to my mind when she said SuMMER (stop the page music and click on the tape and it will play or use the other player below)... here's the rundown:

1) august day song by bebel gilberto: duh --- AUGUST ... i also associate this whole genre of music (bassanova, brazillian modern pop jazz etc) with hot days ... samba, drums, brasil ... it's summer all year round there ya dig.

2) love come down by evelyn champagne king: what?! classic. it just makes me think of summer love ... in summer all love is possible. it also makes me think of summer house parties that happened before i was born.

3) planet rock by afrikaa bambaataa and the soulsonic force: breakin on cardboard was more of a summer activity ... it's too cold to be doin that shit in the winter in nyc. sooooo, this is ultimate summer hip hop to me ... it is the foundation for bootyshake which put daisy dukes on the map ... see how it's all connected? poppin- lockin-bootyshake-bootyshorts-and hot NY concrete in the summer ...

4) summer rain by carl thomas: another no-brainer. hot summer lovin in the steamin rain ... summer don't get no better.

5) suffering & smiling by fela kuti: this may just be me but when i think of summer i often think of african street festivals ... odunde in philly ... afrikan street festival in bed stuy ... where they put the lemonade in a tupperware container ... and the fried chicken wings or vegan tofu blah blah is erywhere ... summer is when we take a break from our slavery ... and this song is all about how to smile through your suffering. so summer.

6) mainstream by outkast: hear the water splashing? i designate this as a summer song cuz it reminds me of fishing. hot, hazy days by the river throwing a line out ... or on a boat in the middle of the bay with the sun blazing on your fishing hat ... the music and lyrics also make me think of swimming ... of course outkast and goodie m.o.b. are only talking about streams METAPHORICALLY ... but the track and the vibe is all SUMMER to me. never mind that the content is dope as well.

7) thin by the underwolves: this is an underground joint i learned about from dj rich medina many moons ago. but i love it and it is a summer classic. if you can't understand the lyrics what she's saying is "on this thi-i-i-in summer's day." if you wanna come by my way ... i immediately picture 'around the way' and being from brooklyn that means brownstone stoops when the block is hot ... and young teenage lovers walking each other home ... in the summertime.

still in transition: inter-dependent

2008-08-01T11:02:00.000-07:00

ooo what has internet withdrawal shown me ... i'm an internet junky/hype/fiend ... me and the internet is co-dependent ...

but i love to be independent.

i don't like to ask nobody for shit. i don't rely on no one but myself. i built this motherfuckin island ... and i keep up the grounds on this shit ... no one else ... but damn if ...

i'm needy when it comes to the internet. i blog, bank, message, research, and play on the internet ... or that is ... i used to.

and i hate that. i think one day the internet is going to disappear so i refuse to be really truly dependent ... i'm just playing the game cuz it's all online these days ...

the internet is one of those things i hate to love ... and love to hate ... it's an illusion ... and yet, information is on there ... and information can save your life.

me and the internet is separated now ... but internet should be back in town in about a week ... till then please, baby, baby, please ... let me get on your line.

love is patient.

in transition: operation save my life

2008-07-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

i have not been able to blog because i am in the process of moving.

i left my job, hometown, and old stomping grounds behind last friday and set off in a u-haul for atlanta, georgia.

i live in the A now!

but i am starting a new gig, unpacking, buying STUFF, setting up the internet and cable ... cleaning, organizing, building ... you get the idea.

all to say -- I'M BUSY in REAL LIFE.

cyberspace has to wait one second.

i'll be blogging regularly very shortly and the blogs will be full of the details about this move ... which i call OPERATION SAVE MY LIFE.

i am so happy ... all this change ... all this saving of my life ... will allow me more time to blog (eventually ;).

i love saving myself!

the race war chronicles: how do i love my slavemaster?

2008-07-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

is the race war beginning?

this motherfucker designed the tee-shirt he's wearing. he's got a website and a boutique at 193 orchard street in manhattan.

in today's metro they ran a story about this dude. and the girl who is suing him. basically the girl is suing because she got harassed by four black teenagers for wearing that shirt. they spit on the tee-shirt wearer, they pushed her around and they did it in congested ass union square NYC.

if folks persist in wearing ignorant shirts will more conflict arise? (i'm being SATIRICAL here.) all i know is dude got more tee shirts where that came from and some of theme read: "who killed obama?"

when people design shirts like this ... others start to wonder if they are human. and racism goes on and on ...

i am still trying not to hate ... but who do i ask? who is around? to teach me ... how do i love my slavemaster?

i do not advocate race war. but i call em like i see em and these racists are walking down a slippery slope. they just might slip and get fucked up while they tryna be funny, cute, and exercising their first amendment rights.

this tee-shirt is $69.00. not including tax.

in memory of mya

2008-07-16T18:47:00.000-07:00

for all little black girls lost. i post this.

for those taken and those still missing. cuz it's summer and block parties are on every other block. this young girl, 9 years old, was kidnapped from a block party, raped, murdered and dumped in an alley in chicago.

for those whose lives are stolen but who go unnoticed by the media and larger society. for invisible boys and girls who get bloodied in the streets and their names never make it to the paper. for those who arent "important" enough to make the evening news.

ghetto crimes aint news ... another nigga gets shot in a drug deal gone wrong, another small child gets caught in some crossfire and their names are never uttered by the public. there is never a moment of silence or acknowledgement that they LIVED. that they were HUMAN BEINGS. instead, mainstream america wonders how anna nicole smith died.

this one's for mya. you can read the full story yourself and you should ... not cuz you want to feel bad or have a guilt trip but because of what her daddy says about her. they had just taken a road trip and mya was in LOVE with LIFE. god bless her and the fam.

fuck you, i sat on ya tire

2008-07-15T09:23:00.000-07:00

the new yorker is racist for this. the new yorker had so many choices. they call it satire. i call it inflammatory. is america evolved enough for this kind of 'satire.' no, of course not - most won't get it. did the new yorker knowingly still publish this inflammatory image? yes. and that's why they racist. they scared. they want to push the envelope with barack. they want to exploit his weaknesses. cuz white people know their chokehold on america and the world is bout to be obsolete.

do your fucking worst you pigs. paint us terrorist and call it a joke. give michelle obama a gun and call it laughs. perpetuate animosity between black and white and label it satire. cuz with this mag cover my blood gets the fuck boiling and i HATE white people. i can't find love in my heart cuz i assume (and maybe i'm wrong but damn they front like they so fucking smart) the new yorker KNOWS BETTER. but they don't. they don't realize they've never racialized a white person on their cover ... they don't realize john mccain does not get the same mistreatment ... they don't realize they are being biased.

but this is how racism is perpetuated ... people assume the new yorker knows better (again they front like they the smartest people on the planet) and then they put out thoughtless, inflammatory, irresponsible journalism and call it ... satire.

cuz the issue is NOT whether it is satire for some people. the issue is that it is NOT satire for ALL people (think about those folks who live BETWEEN cali and NY) and the new yorker KNOWS that. so, do ya fucking worst you BITCH ASS white people!!!!

(see how the hatred comes. i don't wanna hate. but damn, this cover is a punch in the gut. maybe even a shank in the side. i'm crying cuz sometimes i hate america so much. so, way to go new yorker you just made some black people hate white people more. FUCKERS.)

human being of the day: woody carter

2008-07-14T10:27:00.000-07:00

***[every now and again i am going to feature a human being who i think is outstanding. who might have something to share. who is doing good works. who is attempting to master love. who is thick in this struggle called life like all of us. who is an agent of change. or who has been changed in a profound way. basically i think it's time we recognize human beings for being extraordinarily human.]***

the human being of july 14, 2008 is woody carter who wrote the piece below. it takes such courage to share a testimony. and it takes strength to change your life. this essay by woody carter is a testimony about mud, meditation, and changing his life. i believe that's ONE of the reasons we suffer and live through: so we can tell the story and ease the suffering of others. i am perpetuating woody's story so that his suffering will never be in vain. i share this testimony so that someone who may be suffering from the same experience can gain strength, insight, wisdom, and vision. share your story with me if you like ... so your own suffering will not be in vain.

By Woody Carter

In everybody’s life there is some suffering and pain along with love and happiness. Now, let me tell you a story about being in the mud but not knowing it.

Soon after returning in 1968 from two years of volunteer service as a Peace Corps teacher in Harar, Ethiopia, I went off the deep end. You see, I had been living on the edge of the Ogaden desert that stretches between the Ethiopia highlands and the Somali border and had returned to a densely populated New York City, where women were wearing brightly colored shorts called hot pants. I was living in Harlem off 125th Street and St. Nicholas Avenue and studying acting at the African American Studio for Acting and Speech.

During the day, I worked as a social worker with young black boys in foster care, and at night, I studied acting and performed in black plays. But after the lights dimmed and the performances were over, I would find myself walking the streets of the city, talking in my head or out loud to myself. I kept the dialogue under raps during the day, but at night, when I was alone and tired and walking the streets, I would let the madness out.

One weekday night, I found myself at 3 a.m. walking past a dark storefront window in Grenwich Village. I thought I saw someone in the window’s reflection walking beside me so I turned around. No one was there. So I walked back to the storefront to take a second look, and what I saw frightened me. Someone I didn’t know was staring at me. It took a moment to realize that who I saw in the window was actually me. I looked dog tired. I needed a shave. My clothes were disheveled, and the marijuana that had become my nightly companion had given me a throbbing headache. I needed to be at home and asleep, but there I was, standing in front of a dark looking glass talking to myself. My body began to shake, and I felt frightened.

The next day, I telephoned my friend Tony, who had been my roommate while I was a student at Howard University in Washington, D.C. I remembered that he meditated, and although at the time I considered myself an atheist or agnostic, I knew that the very moment Tony sat down to meditate, a quiet feeling invisibly invaded my room. I never asked him about his daily “quiet time” or even discussed my experience living with him. But after that night, walking like a zombie in Grenwich Village, I called him.

“Tony, I feel like I’m coming apart and need to talk to somebody so am calling you,” I blurted out after some small talk. I explained that I had been walking at night in exhaustion, talking gibberish to myself. “Woody,” he said, “you go and see Luther. He’s a friend of mine, and I’ll call and tell him you’re gonna call him. … He’ll know what to do.” He gave me Luther’s address and phone number, and soon after, we hung up. About two weeks later, I knocked on Luther’s door. He lived in a small, one-bedroom apartment in Upper Manhattan. As soon as the door opened, I started talking a mile a minute. I really didn’t know Luther or why I was even there. I rambled on about acting and working. I started making comments about the yoga books that I was reading. I knew I wasn’t making much sense, but my mouth just wouldn’t stop. I wanted to impress him with my education, my learning. And as my motor-mouth rambled on, I noticed that Luther’s tiny living room was lit only by candlelight. Floral incense filled the air. There was no television. On and on I talked until Luther said very quietly and calmly, “Woody, come sit down.” I was nervous, perhaps because it was so deadly still and quiet in that room. I was uncomfortable in the silence, thinking that it was unnatural to be so quiet and still in the middle of New York City.

Luther was a short, darkskinned man who spoke with a slight Southern drawl. I would later find out that he had retired from working all his adult life at the U.S. Post Office. He hadn’t made it past the eighth grade in his education. He never married nor had any children. But this first evening in Luther’s presence, he remained a mystery. As soon as I sat beside him, he reached for a piano stool that seemed to roll out from nowhere. A rectangular wooden box sat on top of it. Luther unlocked a small metal hook on top of the box. It released a type of bellow. He pressed his hand against the rear side of the box that began to move like the side of a small accordion. This instrument, which I later found out is called a harmonium, began to make a one note drone as Luther pressed and released his hand against the side of the box.

“What’s that?” I interrupted. I began to wonder why I had come here. Where was this all leading? The drone continued, and then suddenly he said, “Close your eyes and watch your breathing. Don’t control your breath in any way … just watch your breathing as the air goes in and out.”

I tried to get my mind to settle down and do what Luther asked, but I kept thinking about other things. I felt my leg twitching and thought that I should scratch it. I wondered if I would get out of his apartment in time to call my mother before she went to bed. On and on my thoughts passed through my mind like wild horses that would not be tamed. And then I heard the drone and Luther’s calm voice saying once again, “Try to sit still and watch your breathing … See if you can find the space between your in-breath and out-breath … when there is no breath at all … just watch your breath,” he whispered. “Don’t control it in any way.”

So I settled down to try once again. Luther began to sing, “Mother, I give you my soul soul … soul call. You can’t remain hidden anymore. … Give my mother a soul, soul, soul call; she can’t remain hidden anymore. Come out of the silent sky; come out of the mountain glen. … Come out of my secret soul, Ma; come out of my secret soul; come out of my cave of silence, come out of my cave of silence.”

And as Luther repeat this chant over and over, his voice got stronger. I began to recognize the words and wanted to sing along with him, but could not. I was afraid, uncomfortable, embarrassed. Then, suddenly, I knew, with such clarity and directness that the thought almost lifted me off my chair, that this man was chanting with all his heart a love song to the Divine. He sang with such love and devotion that his singing made me uneasy.

I was uncomfortable because I felt no such love, devotion or communion with the Infinite. I had never heard anyone sing like Luther. I knew that if I sang along with him, I would be a fraud. I didn’t feel worthy to join him in chanting such a prayer-song. I was in the mud, and now I knew it. Instead, I quietly began to cry. It was then that I began in earnest to watch my breath … breathing in and breathing out.

And as the months passed, I visited Luther often. At times, I’d come talking gibberish only to leave feeling a deep sense of peace and calmness — a centeredness. Sometimes, there were others in Luther’s apartment, sitting wherever they could find a place to meditate and chant.

Eventually, I knew that I wanted to be like Luther McKinnie (1907-2002), and as awkward as I felt, I, too, began to sing, “Mother, I give you my soul … soul … soul call. You can’t remain hidden anymore. You can’t remain hidden anymore.” And my own uneasiness began to gradually melt away.

Some 39 years later, meditation remains a part of my daily life. It enables me to live up to the four principals of Critical Mass Health Conductors. As conductors, we commit to: 1) assuming personal responsibility for our health and wellbeing; 2) advocating for cultural messages that promote and embrace healthy lifestyles; 3) asking for support when necessary to make healthy lifestyle changes; and 4) removing the inner obstacles in our lives that prevent the power and the voice of Spirit from working within and through us.

If Luther were alive today, he’d make an ideal Health Conductor.

For more information on Critical Mass Health Conductors, visit the Bay Area Black United Fund’s website at www.babuf.org or contact Toya at the BABUF office at (510) 763-7270.

rainbow coalition?

2008-07-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

honestly, i'm not THAT mad at jesse for this ... i feel that since it wasn't a public statement then he can say what he like. granted, the statement revealed jesse's bitterness, jealousy, and slight mental illness. other than that ... i think the only one who loses from this display of ignorance is jesse. he don't need more people telling him he was wrong ... i think he knows it deep down in his heart.

nikki giovani once wrote: black love is black wealth. is that why we so poor?

hip hop cadillasick #4081

2008-07-11T09:46:00.000-07:00

i'ma be highlighting some hip hop classicks ery now and again ... because. i want to.

first and last time: a classic sticks with you through time. classics are timeless even if they capture a specific moment of time and truth.

A) this first one is a joint i'd love to hear at a party ... but no one ever plays it.

B) this song captures the spirit of hip hop in the mid to late nineties --- q-tip and mobb deep on the same song rapping bout materialism and alchohol ... and by materialism i mean that gear we used to rock ... what was i doing in size 38 guess? jeans???!

C) the track is dope - i don't think you can hear the fly horns so good or the bassline on computer speakers but we gon do our best ...

D) favorite line: "and guess? was hot/so guess what"

E) bonus* question: on what song does q-tip reference #4080?

(to listen you will have to turn off the page music -- to your right and scroll down to turn off the music player ...)

drink away the pain - mobb deep

love triangle tangle

2008-07-09T10:11:00.001-07:00

1) first, i want to bring your attention to the fact that obama mentioned weezy B. in a speech and here is what he said:

"You are probably not that good a rapper. Maybe you are the next Lil' Wayne, but probably not, in which case you need to stay in school," Obama, D-Ill., told a cheering crowd, brought to a standing ovation at a town hall meeting in Powder Springs, Georgia.

&The presumptive Democratic nominee was speaking about high school drop out rates and the need for people to be committed to working hard in school so they can get a job after school.

Obama said he knows some young men think they can't find a job unless they are a really good basketball player.

"Which most of you brothas are not," Obama, who played basketball in high school, a sport he continues to play to this day, said jokingly. "I know you think you are, but you're not. You are over-rated in your own mind. You will not play in the NBA."

2) second, i want you all to read how TIME is analyzing the connections between obama, weezy, hip hop, and blackness in a swampland blog titled, "the politics of lil wayne". i want to reserve my opinion about this blog ... and then i don't.

3) my opinion: the TIME blog is condescending and ever more illuminating about the culture clash between white and black america ... or money vs. poverty ... or youth vs. oldheads ... whichever way you want to group folks ...

it's a clash and there is something lost in translation.

i think hip hop has always been political; TIME mag might consider it "crude" but that's a value judgement. cuz i think highwaters are kinda crude. and i bet most of the TIME staff got their pants jacked up under their chests.

hip hop is political but it just don't fit in a little box. hip hop has always engaged contemporary politics and current events. hip hop doesn't belong to a political party. that is a limited idea of political. hip hop comments on the human condition which to me is ... political. hip hop advocates for individual, civil, and human rights on the regular ... and that ... is ... POLITICAL.

4) i love hip hop ... and i am woman. i am so tired of people trying to make hip hop ANTI-WOMAN.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
& hip hop loves ME back.

it probly don't love you cuz you act like a BITCH, BITCH.

yeah i said that ... and if you know hip hop you know how i mean it.

and if you don't know what the fuck just happened don't ASSUME, don't take it personal ... listen to more hip hop.

the zahir

2008-07-07T12:50:00.000-07:00

another book by paulo coehlo.

simply put zahir means obsession in arabic ... it's more complicated than that but not very ...

your zahir could be different from my zahir ... mine used to be a man/men. a boy(s)? ok, maybe it still is.

when a man didn't love me the way i thought i was supposed to be loved by a man; i would obsess.

by reading 'the zahir' (in the winter of 2007) i truly started to understand the concept: that love is everywhere and in all things.

that it is a matter of perception ... as most things are. (i first confronted this concept in the mastery of love by don miguel ruiz but it seemed very distant and very impossible.)

sure, i could stay in my little box (or hole deep in the earth) and keep insisting that i should be loved in a specific way ... or i could CHOOSE to accept the little love i received from a man ... and the abundant love i receive from the universe.

it's not easy to try to see love from a tree as equal as love from a man (or whatever gender you are loving) ... cuz we get told all our lives that romantic love is the ultimate love ...

i have experienced something more these days ... and the zahir set me on that path ... at the time that i read the book i was obsessed, i was fixated on a person ... just like the character in the book whose wife left him ...

you, yourself might say oh, well if my wife left me ... that would be the end of my world too ...

that's just what the character had to ask himself.

why don't many of us feel GOD's love? is it because it's not out there? or is it because we refuse to SEE it?

do we INSIST on love coming in and from a certain package? ask yourself.

LOVE,
this blogger right to you

on vacation ... top 7

2008-07-02T12:44:00.000-07:00

yep, i was on one. i was too busy relaxing to blog.

and i should have wrote this BEFORE i went on vacation but it's just my style to be prepared after the event. ask my mama ...

sooooo while i was away you shoulda read the OLD, OLD shit ... na mean? here's my top 7 blogs in no particular order:

1. the kingdom -- about how to forgive folks for genocide

2. self-reflexive racism or vomit in your mouth -- the most profound shit i ever had to say about racism (in my humble one-person opinion)

3. your breath smells like love -- i tell things bout myself others might consider embarassing, i connect the dots, and i'm honest with you and myself

4. tastes great/less filling: we could all be wright -- some of my thoughts on the rev wright/obama debacle (it will resurface in november or early october)

5. pump the brakes on the auto-assumption -- oooh VIDEO blog for those of you with short reading spans, i love this white pastor who is almost rev wright's best friend; he GIVES it to FIX news

6. pigs part two -- this a young brother who is doing something to make the world a better place ... no more whining about dirty cops ... wash ya mouth out with soap

7. will afrika unite -- pan africanism ... figure it out ...

yawn. i'm tired. need another vacation.

UPDATE: i went on another mini-vacation - i forgot it was july 4th weekend. you know even though we aint free black folks love to celebrate july 4th at a cookout or SOMEthing. so i did.

pre-baby

2008-06-26T13:04:00.000-07:00

it wasn't that i didn't believe in God.

i just thought he didn't believe in me.

this was around 2001-2004.

so, i don't want you to think i have been a pious, prayerful somebody all my life.

God saved my life and i'm not going into the details in this particular blog but that's what i consider the truth.

i think happiness and love are hard to achieve without some kind of faith ... i don't care if you call it God, yahweh, muhammed, or the wind ... but faith that our existence is meaningful, that there is an energy force greater than ourselves, that there is a positive direction to the universe ...

i used to think not ... so ... much. i doubted that 'things' would work out either for me or for others who were suffering.

that doubt left a little crack in the wall which left me vulnerable to dark and negative thoughts. doubt drove me to fear. and fear kept me miserable. and you know ... misery loves company. then before long all you can see is misery all around you in the faces of others you have made miserable.

i encourage you to examine your faith. do you have any? if no - what is standing there in its place?

again - no prosletyzing here, no conversion tactics ... believe in the wind, believe in good people and good wine, believe in your own powers and capabilities, believe in the god in you, believe in love.

just please have faith ... in something GOOD because it will carry you through all your days and it will be the pre-dawning of your future love and happiness.

can't forget zimbabwe

2008-06-25T09:24:00.000-07:00

you know mugabe ... he's famous for kicking white people out of africa ...

he's trying to be president for life ... just a little violence to keep your political opponent on his toes ... sweet, sweet africa ... learn you some here

cuz we all connected whether we like it or not.

this is Tsvingirai who thought he would be president (cuz he won the elections) but sometimes elections don't mean much:

dust on thier cheeks

2008-06-25T09:16:00.000-07:00

somalia is another hot spot ... no, not for vacation ... for war, hunger, starvation, displacement, refugee camps, terror, violence, rape, economic crisis, U.S. imperialism and probably a lot of thirst too ...

it's only getting worse (and we, as in america, helped to fuck it up more) ...

four-year-old Fatima walked with her family for two days to reach El Barde (to receive food):

(more) trouble in paradise

2008-06-25T09:02:00.000-07:00

me, myself, personally never get tired of trying to understand the israel-palestine conflict. i do think it's a metaphor for something larger that i am also trying to understand (humanity). there is also something divine about that space and place which i hope to visit one day ... there is even something divine about israel and palestine ... is palestine the modern word for house of judah? i am reading the bible (it's long) so maybe i'm getting too biblo-technical or something like that ... some of you may not be familiar with judah ... i encourage you to research (i am not spoon-feeding you with a hyper-link this time ;)

all that long paragraph to say: there is more unrest and bloody terror as gaza has broken the most recent 'ceasefire' and now israel has shut the gaza border (again) ....

all that to say -- unlike the mainstream american media, i will not be ignoring pain and suffering in the world. i will be constantly reminding us ... there is much to be done in the world. much healing ... love could play a powerful role in the middle east. forgiveness being the key to peace. and compassion being the road to forgiveness. and love of self the doorway to compassion.

until then i'ma throw the blood and murder in ya face!

bitter plant ... or bitter root

2008-06-25T08:53:00.000-07:00

the front page news in america today is all about the dude in the kentucky factory plant who went to work one morning and shot like four of his co-workers ... i think he may have then killed himself ... you can get the more accurate story here ...

i just highlight these goings on cuz ... it reminds us that many of us are sick and suffering ... that dude probably didn't love himself and could find no love in the world ... i feel for him, may he rest in peace, may god bless him and the other victims and their families.

more and more frequently there are stories like this ... i think there is a growing trend and right now it might not effect you ... but one day it could ... is that what it will take for us to start taking notice of each other's humanity?

5 to 30

2008-06-24T07:17:00.000-07:00

(written in november of 2007)

i try to make everyday different.

i try to find the miracle(s) in every single day.

paulo coehlo's book, "by the river piedra i sat down and wept", taught me that.

maybe 'taught' is the wrong word. something in my spirit suspected that for many years. that there was something MORE to the days ... so affirmed is probably a more accurate word. that book affirmed that for me.

but this morning started to feel like the old days when it was one long day.

as i grew into an adult and had my daughter the days began to melt into one long day of obligation, duty, and responsibility. because as we become adults we are told by the outside world what responsibility must look like. and because i was afraid to look for a new paradigm of living.

today my daughter ... i am moving away from the term "made me feel bad" so i will say my daughter ... raised emotions in me that made me examine what i believe about myself as a mother.

i work on belief a lot.

belief is not as easy as it sounds. it is the foundation for love and healing but it is kind of hard to master. it is the first step in my journey. sometimes i rush past it only to end up looking it dead in the face again.....to discover - there is no rushing past the belief part.

do i believe i am a good mother? sometimes. and when i am venturing into territory where someone else "makes me feel bad" i must stop and be brutally honest with myself about what i am feeling exactly and why. i am very sensitive to criticism (even especially from myself) about being a good mother. i work every day to be more patient and loving with my little girl. i work on being a good mom. but my brain believes there is such thing as a perfect mom. so, i always fall short. i am tired of judging myself inadequate and then feeling bad.

i always try my best as a mother. and that will one day be enough for me. i cannot MAKE my daughter happy all the time. she can only make herself happy and i can support her in that effort. if she feels bad i start to feel bad or feel like i did something wrong. BUTT if i am trying my best then i should have nothing to feel bad about. even when i make mistakes.

so, i talk to myself. (talking to myself has proved a highly useful tool on the road to happiness by the way.) i tell myself: you are doing your best. i used to beat myself up for not knowing automatically that doing my best was good enough. i didn't even try to encourage myself. i would just get mad at myself for not feeling the way i SHOULD. i was too hard on myself. i am only a human formed by other humans. how can i expect myself to be perfect all the time or right away. now i am patient with my own self. i acknowledge to myself that i am learning, i am developing, and i am growing slowly like any other organic being. i never used to apply the concepts of behavioral change to myself: those kind of changes just take time.

it is not that they are impossible.

and one day ... i KNOW (the belief is strong for me in this area!) that i will not even need to have this conversation with myself.

so when i feel bad ... i tell myself ... i am a good mother. automatically. practice creates habit and habit builds belief. because it is a habit of a way of THINKING (and doing). and belief lives in the realm of the thoughts.

belief is not a sweater or a hat i can put on. it is a way of thinking about myself and my world.

i felt bad and weird this morning. i am doing my best --- i am a good mother. i am already feeling better.

putting obama to bed

2008-06-23T08:49:00.000-07:00

let me just make this real clear:

obama is NOT the messiah.

obama is NOT the great black or white hype.

obama did NOT vote against that horrible, immoral, unethical, and unconstitutional FISA bill ...

obama did NOT go to jena, mississippi.

obama will NOT be doing rallies with sharpton in the streets (yet).

obama will NOT cure racism.

obama can NOT automatically end poverty.

obama will NOT end black-on-black murder in chicago, philadelphia, or houston.

obama will NOT obliterate the GOP.

obama will NOT scrub the capitol of corruption.

obama may NOT be able to necessarily pass universal health care through congress.

sorry.

as much as i personally love and support his candidacy i have never expected any of the above from the man.

(he IS only a man as in huMAN being.)

in the days and months to come i know many of you will struggle with the imposition of reality into obama's hopeful image ... i know many will be disappointed by what he didn't do, what he did say, who he had dinner with, and what he voted for ...

so i suggest, you lower your expectations NOW. i suggest you figure out what YOU CAN DO.

and then, go do it. with love and hope.

leave obama to do his thing ... actually, i think his greatest and this country's greatest achievement has been reached: DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE.

erythang else is just ... extra. like cake. like seconds. like icing. like french fries. like cheese. extra ....

and this is the last time i'll say this (maybe?) cuz i hate to explain the obvious. it is what it is. america is fucked up. it's going to take a lot more than one man. one president. to fix all our ills. to eradicate 'politics as usual' it's going to take more than a few speeches. it's going to take more than all the congresspeople in washington. it's going to take more than all the teachers in america. it's going to take more than just the parents of bad ass kids. it's going to take more than a billion dollars. it's going to take more than removing all the pedophiles and pervs. it's going to take more than a new foreign trade agreement. it's going to take more than a gang truce. it's going to take more than education. it's going to take more than prayer. it's going to take more than peace.

oh, i don't know it might take ... a whole lotta LOVE ...

so, put all that hype ... to bed. it's dead.

hope is alive. BELIEVE ... ... ... in YOURself.

put bam bam to bed, bed, bed. that man is tired right now ;)

oprah feeling some bLacklash

2008-06-19T13:09:00.001-07:00

sometimes star magazine has important news ... AND reveals something important about america. i read in the june 16th edition (i was in the dentist's office no bullshit) that oprah is "losing it."

pasted on top of a big picture of oprah hugging barack obama are the words: "her ratings are down, her magazine is on the decline, and she is miserable."

the rag mag goes on to say "even tom [cruise] can't save her."

then they published the results of their poll which addressed the question: ARE YOU TURNED OFF BY OPRAH'S SUPPORT OF OBAMA? 61% of STAR rag mag readers said YES! and 39% said NO.

hmmmmmmmmmmmmm .......

what does this all mean? star mag readers are racist? fa sho! but what else? who reads star? many "average" americans who obsess about pop culture, superstars, and fame. but still, A LOT of people read that shit. and now more than half of them ain't fucking with oprah - cuz of barack. and i quote: "oprah's endorsement of democratic presidential candidate, Sen. barack obama made some fans change the channel."

WOW. first, i was struck because i thought white people and other americans would never turn their back on her. oprah is the beloved dark child of white america. oprah has often been the frustration of progressive, radical black americans because she was the beloved of white america and did little to change that image.

second, i was hit with the irony that oprah may have been right all these years. i can't lie, i won't front ... i hated on oprah cuz her show was whitewashed, she catered to whitey, she had damn near all-white audiences, she stayed away from controversial race issues for twenty years ... she used none of her PUBLIC influence to intervene in racial conflict ... she was very negro. old school. blah blah ... but ... maybe she was right.

if she had talked all that rah rah black power shit ... she might not be as famous as she is now ... she might not have as much money (fa sho) ... and she might not be so "well-respected" ... she might not have gained so much power ...

or maybe ... the lesson is that pandering to whitey always makes your power temporary ... at any moment they can revoke your race-invisibility card ... at any moment they can yank your power plug ... even after 24 years on air ... they can decide to paint you black and deem you powerless.

the rag mag says it all started to go downhill three years ago. "oprah's ratings dropped nearly 7% in the last three years. in that same time 'O' magazine lost 1 out of ten readers." gee ... what happened three years ago ... oh maybe barack anounced his candidacy and oprah threw her chips in with the BLACK MAN ...

these are the kinds of observations black people laugh about at the dinner table. i never thought star magazine (or any publication) would print a real article about it ... i know i know, it's star mag ... but it's indicative of larger society.

some very regular unassuming americans read STAR magazine (you'd be surprised) ... even some men read it ...

so now, i sit and wonder (as i often do about oprah) ... how does this make oprah feel? does she feel like she made a mistake? does she wish she could take her endorsement back and be race-neutral again? or was she biding her time - by waiting 24 years to come out publicly as a black person on her own terms, with millions in the bank? i'll probly never know ... and i am content with that.

as for star magazine ... i think i might boycott ... i think it's their turn for some blacklash.

we love you oprah (why not?)! keep the faith! (and get that school in south africa FIXED).

part II: obama's PAN-afrikan appeal

2008-06-18T10:55:00.000-07:00

how a blackish president might be good for the wold as a whole ... they loving that nig in france ... you know ... FRANCE ... where black people rioted and burned up the streets for WEEKS last year (or the year before) and where they outlaw the muslim headscarf in SCHOOLS ... where they are often blatantly racist and black people (and others of color) are blatantly disenfranchised ... the whole notion of bam bam empowering people worldwide ... gives me tangles (same as tingles).

read the full article here ...

and here's a lil excerpt:
PARIS - "When Youssoupha, a black rapper here, was asked the other day what was on his mind, a grin spread across his face. 'Barack Obama,' he said. 'Obama tells us everything is possible.'"

sock obama

2008-06-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

i'm late on this ... but i thought the visual was hot ... no, not REALLY (kinda) ... i'm just keeping track of the culture clash ... and i thought we should have this one on record ... you can read about the controversy here ... and i think the sock obama is kinda cute ... i'm starting not to care that white people think we look like monkeys ... monkeys are CUTE ;) (yes, that's a wink so no, i'm not TOTALLY serious).

a rich reading

2008-06-18T10:47:00.001-07:00

frank rich writes a bomb ass op-ed in the NYTimes ery sunday (damn near). i wanted to put his latest one on blast cuz as usual he is on point. his latest piece illuminates the relationship between the media and the GOP ... and their mutual obsession with a) denigrating the Democratic party, and b) perpetuating myths about how obama has a BLACKNESS problem.

here's a lil taste:
The fictional scenario of mobs of crazed women defecting to Mr. McCain is just one subplot of the master narrative that has consumed our politics for months. The larger plot has it that the Democratic Party is hopelessly divided, and that only a ticket containing Mrs. Clinton in either slot could retain the loyalty of white male bowlers and other constituencies who tended to prefer her to Mr. Obama in the primaries.

be-late edition: bam bam's father's day speech

2008-06-17T13:11:00.002-07:00

**[blogger's note: uh i pasted his whole joint below cuz i like to offer the entire context. to steal a phrase from a fellow blogger, this is why it's good to have a blackish president in amerikkka. bill cosby is proud right now.]**

Good morning. It's good to be home on this Father's Day with my girls, and it's an honor to spend some time with all of you today in the house of our Lord.

At the end of the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus closes by saying, "Whoever hears these words of mine, and does them, shall be likened to a wise man who built his house upon a rock: and the rain descended, and the floods came, and the winds blew, and beat upon that house, and it fell not, for it was founded upon a rock." [Matthew 7: 24-25]

Here at Apostolic, you are blessed to worship in a house that has been founded on the rock of Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior. But it is also built on another rock, another foundation - and that rock is Bishop Arthur Brazier. In forty-eight years, he has built this congregation from just a few hundred to more than 20,000 strong - a congregation that, because of his leadership, has braved the fierce winds and heavy rains of violence and poverty; joblessness and hopelessness. Because of his work and his ministry, there are more graduates and fewer gang members in the neighborhoods surrounding this church. There are more homes and fewer homeless. There is more community and less chaos because Bishop Brazier continued the march for justice that he began by Dr. King's side all those years ago. He is the reason this house has stood tall for half a century. And on this Father's Day, it must make him proud to know that the man now charged with keeping its foundation strong is his son and your new pastor, Reverend Byron Brazier.

Of all the rocks upon which we build our lives, we are reminded today that family is the most important. And we are called to recognize and honor how critical every father is to that foundation. They are teachers and coaches. They are mentors and role models. They are examples of success and the men who constantly push us toward it.

But if we are honest with ourselves, we'll admit that what too many fathers also are is missing - missing from too many lives and too many homes. They have abandoned their responsibilities, acting like boys instead of men. And the foundations of our families are weaker because of it.

You and I know how true this is in the African-American community. We know that more than half of all black children live in single-parent households, a number that has doubled - doubled - since we were children. We know the statistics - that children who grow up without a father are five times more likely to live in poverty and commit crime; nine times more likely to drop out of schools and twenty times more likely to end up in prison. They are more likely to have behavioral problems, or run away from home, or become teenage parents themselves. And the foundations of our community are weaker because of it.

How many times in the last year has this city lost a child at the hands of another child? How many times have our hearts stopped in the middle of the night with the sound of a gunshot or a siren? How many teenagers have we seen hanging around on street corners when they should be sitting in a classroom? How many are sitting in prison when they should be working, or at least looking for a job? How many in this generation are we willing to lose to poverty or violence or addiction? How many?

Yes, we need more cops on the street. Yes, we need fewer guns in the hands of people who shouldn't have them. Yes, we need more money for our schools, and more outstanding teachers in the classroom, and more afterschool programs for our children. Yes, we need more jobs and more job training and more opportunity in our communities.

But we also need families to raise our children. We need fathers to realize that responsibility does not end at conception. We need them to realize that what makes you a man is not the ability to have a child - it's the courage to raise one.

We need to help all the mothers out there who are raising these kids by themselves; the mothers who drop them off at school, go to work, pick up them up in the afternoon, work another shift, get dinner, make lunches, pay the bills, fix the house, and all the other things it takes both parents to do. So many of these women are doing a heroic job, but they need support. They need another parent. Their children need another parent. That's what keeps their foundation strong. It's what keeps the foundation of our country strong.

I know what it means to have an absent father, although my circumstances weren't as tough as they are for many young people today. Even though my father left us when I was two years old, and I only knew him from the letters he wrote and the stories that my family told, I was luckier than most. I grew up in Hawaii, and had two wonderful grandparents from Kansas who poured everything they had into helping my mother raise my sister and me - who worked with her to teach us about love and respect and the obligations we have to one another. I screwed up more often than I should've, but I got plenty of second chances. And even though we didn't have a lot of money, scholarships gave me the opportunity to go to some of the best schools in the country. A lot of kids don't get these chances today. There is no margin for error in their lives. So my own story is different in that way.

Still, I know the toll that being a single parent took on my mother - how she struggled at times to the pay bills; to give us the things that other kids had; to play all the roles that both parents are supposed to play. And I know the toll it took on me. So I resolved many years ago that it was my obligation to break the cycle - that if I could be anything in life, I would be a good father to my girls; that if I could give them anything, I would give them that rock - that foundation - on which to build their lives. And that would be the greatest gift I could offer.

I say this knowing that I have been an imperfect father - knowing that I have made mistakes and will continue to make more; wishing that I could be home for my girls and my wife more than I am right now. I say this knowing all of these things because even as we are imperfect, even as we face difficult circumstances, there are still certain lessons we must strive to live and learn as fathers - whether we are black or white; rich or poor; from the South Side or the wealthiest suburb.

The first is setting an example of excellence for our children - because if we want to set high expectations for them, we've got to set high expectations for ourselves. It's great if you have a job; it's even better if you have a college degree. It's a wonderful thing if you are married and living in a home with your children, but don't just sit in the house and watch "SportsCenter" all weekend long. That's why so many children are growing up in front of the television. As fathers and parents, we've got to spend more time with them, and help them with their homework, and replace the video game or the remote control with a book once in awhile. That's how we build that foundation.

We know that education is everything to our children's future. We know that they will no longer just compete for good jobs with children from Indiana, but children from India and China and all over the world. We know the work and the studying and the level of education that requires.

You know, sometimes I'll go to an eighth-grade graduation and there's all that pomp and circumstance and gowns and flowers. And I think to myself, it's just eighth grade. To really compete, they need to graduate high school, and then they need to graduate college, and they probably need a graduate degree too. An eighth-grade education doesn't cut it today. Let's give them a handshake and tell them to get their butts back in the library!

It's up to us - as fathers and parents - to instill this ethic of excellence in our children. It's up to us to say to our daughters, don't ever let images on TV tell you what you are worth, because I expect you to dream without limit and reach for those goals. It's up to us to tell our sons, those songs on the radio may glorify violence, but in my house we live glory to achievement, self respect, and hard work. It's up to us to set these high expectations. And that means meeting those expectations ourselves. That means setting examples of excellence in our own lives.

The second thing we need to do as fathers is pass along the value of empathy to our children. Not sympathy, but empathy - the ability to stand in somebody else's shoes; to look at the world through their eyes. Sometimes it's so easy to get caught up in "us," that we forget about our obligations to one another. There's a culture in our society that says remembering these obligations is somehow soft - that we can't show weakness, and so therefore we can't show kindness.

But our young boys and girls see that. They see when you are ignoring or mistreating your wife. They see when you are inconsiderate at home; or when you are distant; or when you are thinking only of yourself. And so it's no surprise when we see that behavior in our schools or on our streets. That's why we pass on the values of empathy and kindness to our children by living them. We need to show our kids that you're not strong by putting other people down - you're strong by lifting them up. That's our responsibility as fathers.

And by the way - it's a responsibility that also extends to Washington. Because if fathers are doing their part; if they're taking our responsibilities seriously to be there for their children, and set high expectations for them, and instill in them a sense of excellence and empathy, then our government should meet them halfway.

We should be making it easier for fathers who make responsible choices and harder for those who avoid them. We should get rid of the financial penalties we impose on married couples right now, and start making sure that every dime of child support goes directly to helping children instead of some bureaucrat. We should reward fathers who pay that child support with job training and job opportunities and a larger Earned Income Tax Credit that can help them pay the bills. We should expand programs where registered nurses visit expectant and new mothers and help them learn how to care for themselves before the baby is born and what to do after - programs that have helped increase father involvement, women's employment, and children's readiness for school. We should help these new families care for their children by expanding maternity and paternity leave, and we should guarantee every worker more paid sick leave so they can stay home to take care of their child without losing their income.

We should take all of these steps to build a strong foundation for our children. But we should also know that even if we do; even if we meet our obligations as fathers and parents; even if Washington does its part too, we will still face difficult challenges in our lives. There will still be days of struggle and heartache. The rains will still come and the winds will still blow.

And that is why the final lesson we must learn as fathers is also the greatest gift we can pass on to our children - and that is the gift of hope.

I'm not talking about an idle hope that's little more than blind optimism or willful ignorance of the problems we face. I'm talking about hope as that spirit inside us that insists, despite all evidence to the contrary, that something better is waiting for us if we're willing to work for it and fight for it. If we are willing to believe.

I was answering questions at a town hall meeting in Wisconsin the other day and a young man raised his hand, and I figured he'd ask about college tuition or energy or maybe the war in Iraq. But instead he looked at me very seriously and he asked, "What does life mean to you?"

Now, I have to admit that I wasn't quite prepared for that one. I think I stammered for a little bit, but then I stopped and gave it some thought, and I said this:

When I was a young man, I thought life was all about me - how do I make my way in the world, and how do I become successful and how do I get the things that I want.

But now, my life revolves around my two little girls. And what I think about is what kind of world I'm leaving them. Are they living in a county where there's a huge gap between a few who are wealthy and a whole bunch of people who are struggling every day? Are they living in a county that is still divided by race? A country where, because they're girls, they don't have as much opportunity as boys do? Are they living in a country where we are hated around the world because we don't cooperate effectively with other nations? Are they living in a world that is in grave danger because of what we've done to its climate?

And what I've realized is that life doesn't count for much unless you're willing to do your small part to leave our children - all of our children - a better world. Even if it's difficult. Even if the work seems great. Even if we don't get very far in our lifetime.

That is our ultimate responsibility as fathers and parents. We try. We hope. We do what we can to build our house upon the sturdiest rock. And when the winds come, and the rains fall, and they beat upon that house, we keep faith that our Father will be there to guide us, and watch over us, and protect us, and lead His children through the darkest of storms into light of a better day. That is my prayer for all of us on this Father's Day, and that is my hope for this country in the years ahead. May God Bless you and your children. Thank you.

one answer?

2008-06-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

NO!

... GOP is so scared. access more story here.

one word

2008-06-13T13:19:00.000-07:00

TRAVESTY.

paint the white house black

2008-06-13T09:49:00.000-07:00

oooooo she called ya mama ... a mama ... WHAT is going on in america today?

you can get full details at daily kos cuz i aint goin into the nitty gritty. all i'm fascinated by is the clash of cultures.

i don't think i'm offended per se ... i mean FOX news is just plain offensive on the regular. it generally offends me. outside of that i don't automatically reach for a can of whoop ass when i hear about all this hoopla with the baby mama comments about michelle obama ...

BUT whatever FIX news tells you - they did it on purpose. and they did it to be demeaning.

i think i get stuck at this auto-assumption that being a baby mama is a BAD thing ... is that NECESSARILY an insult? ... i personally happen to be a baby mama ... so .......

now, i will say that in the black community and our culture ... it's seen as an insult if that woman is actually some man's WIFE ... but it's not seen as an insult to baby mamas ... unless some trifling behavior is attached to it ...

but white america doesn't really know how we get down. the white media can't even find the vocabulary to discuss this. they don't have the historical context to bring any meaning to these words. and black journalists are struggling to come up with explanations they've never had to offer before.

white people of FOX news using the term 'baby mama' is kinda like when white people used to dress up in blackface. FOX news is parodying black culture by ATTEMPTING to use our language to describe us.

it's a clash. all of a sudden black culture hits the mainstream. white people are bumbling in their rush to now incorporate black lexicon into it's morning shows. if they could the white people would call all the black culture experts ... but there are none. who is the king of the streets?? who can translate language that moves organically and fluidly from county to county and state to state? who wrote the black language anyway?

LOL oooooooo it's so funny ... and black people who must appear on TV with white people don't know who wrote our language either ... cuz it has no king, it has no pro-genitor, it has no BABY DADDY ... it is natural and floating and all oral ...

so i say, be offended if you want cuz FOX meant to offend. but don't feel as if you have to ..... i prefer sitting back and laughing at white people and black people struggle to navigate a culture clash the likes of which none of us have ever experienced before ...

i am not even the slightest bit worried about black folks LOSING our culture ... we so resilient, we so inventive, we so creative, we so smart ... we keep coming up with shit so fast nobody (not the japanese, the europeans, the punjabs) and i mean nobody can keep up with us ...

guess it's just that we so blessed to be opressed.

(but truly i am not making a black supremacist argument - i was being sarcastic. there are others who are equally oppressed as black folk. AND other culture are equally resilient and smart - i was begin facetious because all culture works the way black culture works.)

i didn't mean to write this much on this topic ...

UPDATE: caught sight of this new blog at salon.com ... this dude takes offense and again ... attempts to find the roots of the term "baby mama" ... it's just interesting to watch him scramble around from jamaican patois to ... yawn.

monica's song

2008-06-12T09:48:00.000-07:00

my first guiding principle to this blog ... don't take it personal.

maybe you read about this in that book The Four Agreements by don Miguel Ruiz or maybe somebody tossed you that bit of advice offhandedly as they proceeded to stand you up, break a promise, cuss you out, or steal from you. it's hard to swallow aint it?

why is this so hard for people to do? because humans - operating within their own selves - cannot take their Self (capital S) out of it. it's not all about you, unfortunately, it's really not. you think it's about YOU cuz YOU trapped in your own mind and world.

but i don't judge you for it cuz guess what ... i been there. i took everything personal and i exacted retribution for it all too. even now, these days, i have to FIGHT not to take some things personal. how do i fight? well i turn every situation on myself. i ask myself: why does this hurt so much? what is it you believe about yourself that makes the words of ANOTHER ring true for YOU?

(don miguel really outlines all this in his book so you could simply skip this blog and go right to his book. but he don't cuss like me.)

but occasionally, i like to explore a book ... and i like to discuss how the concepts in a book are applicable to my daily life. in my own life i have found don miguel's words to be entirely true. i have learned through personal experience that usually when a person has a problem with me they really have a problem with themselves. furthermore, any hurt from others turns out to be my own hurt that i have been inflicting on myself for years.

it was a sad way to live. always trying to figure out other people's motives and intentions. what a waste of time. i have been mistreated, i have been cheated, i have been hurt by people i love. but i learned to let those people be themselves because it was never because they WANTED to hurt me it was because they were trapped in their own ideas about how they should act and treat other people and protect their own feelings and desires.

the hardest part for me was to acknowledge that those people i loved weren't AWARE of themselves and how they treated others. some of them are still not and i still love them. but once i could understand that those people had fears and behavioral programming that i could not change ... i let go of making them responsible for how i feel.

i am the only one responsible for how i feel. 'don't take it personal' leaves the stain of dirty energy on the perpetrators, the unjust, the malignants, the enemies, the lovers who fuck up, the parents who are oblivious ... and it never reflects on my own character.

i do not internalize the names people call me. i do not believe that when i don't get a raise it's because i don't deserve it. i refuse to believe that just because my mother doesn't tell me she is proud of me that i have nothing to be proud of.

in order to not take anything personal you must already believe in yourself to the utmost core. you must be fortified by your own integrity. you know your heart better than anyone ... and if you don't you can get to know your heart and you can heal your heart so that your integrity shines through to your own self.

kkk for bam bam!

2008-06-12T07:06:00.001-07:00

i came across a funny piece today on the southern poverty law center's hatewatch blog .... it's all about how white supremacist orgs are pro-obama because they think a black president will be the wake-up call white americans need ... you know the "worse-before-it-gets-better" argument ...

they think obama might make things so bad for white people that white people will remember they are white and join the KKK ... riiiiiiiight

what really scared me while reading this is the rigidity of racial division ... it's almost like racism is a play and everyone has their role. as if to say black characters always act this way and white characters always act this way. it struck me that racism - in this case - can be such a seductive CHOICE ... a chance to blame someone else when things aren't going right in your life ... an opportunity to never be accountable for your own failings ...

when the economy continues to slip and joe schmoe in wichita loses his job ... is he going to think it's obama's fault? (even though g.w put the economic policy in motion and it doesn't matter who the president is at the time) well, he just might ... cuz racism teaches us people are motivated by their skin color and when skin colors are different people become automatic enemies ... racism is so ... easy. you already know who has your back and you know who has it against you ... simple.

i do think racism works differently when the power dynamic is switched ... i.e. the process of racism is not the same for marginalized and opressed people ...

i am not saying it's better. and i am saying there is still a choice. but it processes in peoples' minds very differently and much more subconciously. read my earlier blog on how racism works for people of color. if you are a racist and you are reading this you will not be able to distinguish the intellectual nuance in my position.

which leads me to my final point ... racism is lazy thinking ... no matter what color you are. a group of people is never all bad or all good.

we are all fucked up human beings with our perfect imperfections. love me anyway?

"a word is not a crystal"

2008-06-11T08:06:00.001-07:00

'How could the man who gave me permission to "go to war" against racial insult turn around and proudly refer to himself as a nigger? My father could do so because he intuited what Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes once observed -- that "a word is not a crystal, transparent and unchanged," but is instead "the skin of a living thought [that] may vary greatly in color and content according to the circumstances and time in which it is used."' -- nigger: the strange career of a troublesome word by Randall Kennedy, p. xviii

a video of nas's upcoming & sure-to-be-controversial song, 'be a nigger too':

i recommend the book, nigger: the strange career of a troublesome word by Randall Kennedy, to anyone who is engaged in the philosophical debate about the infamous N-word. while i don't agree with every last thought expressed in that book, randall kennedy presents some refreshing ideas that are not circulated in mainstream media. furthermore, the author is a middle aged black man from the midwest and i was intrigued by his stance.

let me share some more of that stance with you:

"Some entertainers who openly use nigger reject Cosby's politics of respectability, which counsels African Americans to mind their manners and mouths in the presence of whites. This group of performers doubts the efficacy of seeking to burnish the image of African Americans in the eyes of white folk. Some think that the racial perceptions of most whites are beyond changing; others believe that whatever marginal benefits of politics of respectability may yield are not worth the psychic cost of giving up or diluting cultural rituals that blacks enjoy ... These entertainers don't care whether whites find nigger upsetting. They don't care whether whites are confused by blacks' use of the term. And they don't care whether whites who hear blacks using the N-word think that African Americans lack self-respect. The black comedians and rappers who use and enjoy nigger care principally, perhaps exclusively, about what they themselvs think, desire, and enjoy ... They eschew boring conventions, including the one that maintains, despite massive evidence to the contrary, that nigger can only mean one thing." -- p. 134-135

as i have personally participated in this debate and listened to the arguments of those who are ANTI-NIGGA and want to ban the word from the english language several patterns have emerged to me in the thought processes of these anti-nigga folk.

the first is a lack of basic understanding about linguistics which is simply another word for how language works. many people either deny that the universal laws of linguistics apply to the word nigga or they are ignorant of the linguistic laws that have governed ALL language and communication systems since the beginning of time. linguistics is not a white thing. its a human thing. and language is always and has always been about context.

secondly. the other underlying pattern that i detect in arguments that object to nigga is simply fear. fear of one thing. the RE-action of white people. whether its: white people will start saying it, white people will start believing it, white people wont know the differences in definition .... etc etc. its all a fear of the RE-action of white people. and if you find your mind wandering down that path --- pause ...

lastly. the pattern of self-hatred in the "disrespecting ourselves by using nigga" argument. if a person says we disrespect ourselves by using the word nigga than that person assumes that nigga means something disrespectful. if nigga was created by a white man to mean: a black person who is lazy and trifling BECUZ they are black ... does it really mean that? are there really black people who cant help but be trifling because they are black? if you believe so then you are yourself a racist. if you are black and believe so than you hate yourself as well. IF nigga is a false concept in the derogatory use of the term and there is no such thing REALLY as a nigga ...

then how does it accurately characterize any real human being?

not one cent

2008-06-11T07:29:00.000-07:00

well ... since the iraqi war ... the value of the dollar has dropped ... oil prices have risen ... federal monies have dried up ... social services have shriveled ... college loans are near impossible to get approved for ... homes are being foreclosed on ... and the war is still raging ... nothing is won ... almost all is lost

and i read this article today ... and i wanna say 'i told yall so' but it just leaves a foul taste in my mouth ... bitter coffee dregs ... where's the satisfaction in being right about iraq ... i knew that g.w. would blow all our tax money paying off his contracting buddies (the biggest one being haliburton) ... and paying iraqi officials who could care less about iraqi people and care more about licking g.w.'s toe jam ... i knew that an unstable region would misplace billions of our hard earned american dollars ... but knowing didn't save nobody a cent.

damn. sometimes i hate to be right.

so, now what? ..................... not next time? never again?

are there people out there ... who give a fuck ...

alter. translation: the fist bump?

2008-06-10T11:09:00.001-07:00

ok ... so maybe white people do it too ... but it has distinct meaning in the black community ... and apparently white folks call it the 'fist-bump' ... i wonder if they always hyphenate or if that's optional ... yawn ... you can read about their involvement with the 'fist-bump' here.

and of course some visuals ... something just isn't the same ...

black culture lost in translation ...

2008-06-09T09:17:00.000-07:00

here we go. and i fear it's just the beginning.

you do realize that with a REAL black candidate for president that many displays of black culture are about to become media food. they are going to stuff themselves.

i didn't see this particular incident (i am more interested in the NBA finals these days than the fucking presidential circus race) but i saw a pic ....

no biggie for black folks (who uh subscribe to black culture - there are those black folks who subscribe to the more 'generic' american culture). michelle and barack gave each other a pound. a fist pound ... no biggie.

but as i peruse the blogs this morning it seems to have come up in mass media ... it is CONFUSING many newscasters ... they can't put a LABEL on it ... they don't know how to INTERPRET it ... they infer other meanings from it ... one lady had the fucking AUDACITY to call it a 'terrorist fist jab' .... ahhhhhhhhhh sweet, sweet ignorance ... brings out the xenophobia, retardedness, and lame ass commentary in PROFESSIONAL (?) journalists ...

on so many levels this reveals so much about fucked up fucking america ...

1) the compulsion white people feel to label everything
2) the disconnection between black culture and the rest of america
3) latent racism ... TERRORIST fist jab???????
4) the compulsion of white people to fill empty silence with retarded words
5) the compulsion of white people to over-compensate for their disconnectedness with black america by using insulting language
6) the latent discomfort of white america with a separate, untranslated, black culture
7) racism is still going strong!

some of my points may overlap but you know what ... i RUN this blog ... suck ya mudda white america! (after you go look that phrase up in one of your enthnographic reference journals)

white america ... i hate to hate you ... i want to love you ... but you don't even speak my language ... where does that leave us now?

new new shit: the john brown awards?

2008-06-02T10:17:00.000-07:00

as you may or may not know ... i am trying to forgive white people ...

i am not quite there yet ... more than a lil bit ... to go

however! i am co-signing for this blog written by melissa harris-lacewell ... i am not sure i think edwards should get one but the fact that i am open to this concept at all is a signifier that i am growing ... my heart is opening ...

i really wanna love white people. for all the opposite reasons that most people love them. i want to love them for their shortcomings and their evil ways. the way jesus would? anyways ... i think john brown awards are a good idea ...

i just hope white people and black people and all other people don't start to take it too serious. cuz then there will be fights about who hands out the awards, what is the criteria, where the red carpet will be (marcy projects or cabrini green?) ... you know how white people created formal bureaucracy ... ooops there i go again - generalizing :)

i'd rather white people just go john brown on us than get preoccupied with receiving accolades from black people.

go BE the next john brown!

the smartest mark in the room (2008 ed.)

2008-05-29T08:44:00.000-07:00

the current financial crisis is no accident ... it was deliberately created ... many of the co-conspirators are U.S. senators and other politicians (like the PRESIDENT) ... the fall of bear-stearns, the home foreclosures, & the role of the federal reserve are all linked and were all the direct result of U.S. economic policy ... read this article to begin to inform yourself about the biggest set-up since enron ... and sure, go see 'the smartest guys in the room' for some remedial study on enron ...

more people need to know about this cuz this set-up is real and the only way you get set-up is if you remain ignorant ...

love yourself & love your neighbor by reading up on why you may be losing your house and your neighbor might not be your neighbor anymore.

love yourself enough to become the smartest person in the room.

globalize information, please

2008-05-28T10:08:00.000-07:00

never in america ... could there be food riots ...

as there are right now all over the world.

never in america ... do we need to understand how globalization works ... because we globalize we don't get globalized.

this article just touches on the tip of the iceberg ... how america sets the prices and the agenda for the global market ... and has been since the creation of the IMF and the World Bank.

never in america ... will sam's club hoard rice ... oh, that's already happening.

only in america ... do people live so ignorantly that when the real food shortages happen they will be left holding an empty, plastic (non-biodegradable) key food (replace with piggly wiggly, ralph's, giant or any other supermarket chain) bag ...

only in america ... do people WANT to remain ignorant about how other people eat ... or how much fuel costs outside of america ... or how much of the world is HUNGRY ...

until ... america gets hungry.

the time is coming.

so time is of the essence:

my greatest prayer is that more people start to educate themselves about globalization and the slow foods/local foods movement ... this is not about vegan fascism or climate change. i pray that people start to learn about what the IMF and the World Bank are. i pray that we start to impact our foreign trade policies in ways that are loving and humane for all people around the globe and not just specific americans. i told you - it's a prayer ..........

you can start educating yourself in many ways:

1) google SLOW FOODS movement or LOCAL FOODS
2) buy foods at a farmer's market (it's local)
3) read omnivore's dilemna

geraldine is dirt

2008-05-21T06:59:00.000-07:00

i read in a blog that geraldine ferraro was on TV talking more smack ... that ... woman ... had the nerve to talk shit about hip hop ... she insinuated that all hip hop is sexist .... she complained about barack obama referencing jay z's "dirt on ya shoulders" song ... she cited that as an example of how SEXIST this democratic primary has been ...

hip hop still has a bad name (duh) ... even after all the money it has yielded for sprite (and others of course) ... even after geraldine's own kids (does she have kids??) run out to buy the latest lupe fiasco or kanye west album ... even after all that, people - the elderly especially - associate hip hop with darkness, crime, depravity, mysogyny, low slung jeans, baggy clothes, guns, materialism, and noise ... i just wanted it on record ...

i cannot muster up any fuckin love for THAT WOMAN right now and i'm trying not to cuss her name, shit it's hard ... she just so racist, paranoid, ignorant, fake feminist ... she needs to shut the fuck up and sit the fuck down ...

i should just brush my shoulders off ...

(but i'd rather smack her in the mouth!)

sweet tea

2008-05-19T08:12:00.000-07:00

when i heard about barack using the 'derogatory' term "sweetie" to a news reporter i knew that some women and self-proclaimed feminists would go APE shit over it ...

yawn.

WHO GIVES A FUCK??

personally, i use the word about 12,000 times a day ... granted i am often addressing kids but sometimes it is directed to my fellow women friends and colleagues ...

am i out of line? am i sexist? maybe huh

well i just had to record my disgust with some of these broads who are blogging and talking on TV shows about the sexism in "sweetie" ... i saw the video clip ...

it aint hard to tell ......

warms my heart to read this ...

2008-05-10T14:02:00.000-07:00

the pan-african potential of Prezident Barack Obama?

CNN quotes me?!

2008-05-07T09:21:00.001-07:00

read the article and view the video - i'm in that too!

the easiest girl in school

2008-05-01T13:06:00.000-07:00

another judas in clinton's house! a super-del from indiana switches teams! and for all the right reasons. the letter this guy wrote is painfully SMART and thoughtful ... you can read the entire long ass letter yaself cuz i only pasted my favorite part. this is the part that captures what barack is talking about when he says CHANGE. this is the part that hillary cannot comprehend. this is the part that some will tell you is impossible to change.

this is THE part:

A New Era of Politics

My endorsement of Senator Obama will not be welcome news to my friends and family at the Clinton campaign. If the campaign's surrogates called Governor Bill Richardson, a respected former member of President Clinton's cabinet, a "Judas" for endorsing Senator Obama, we can all imagine how they will treat somebody like me. They are the best practitioners of the old politics, so they will no doubt call me a traitor, an opportunist and a hypocrite. I will be branded as disloyal, power-hungry, but most importantly, they will use the exact words that Republicans used to attack me when I was defending President Clinton.

When they use the same attacks made on me when I was defending them, they prove the callow hypocrisy of the old politics first perfected by Republicans. I am an expert on this because these were the exact tools that I mastered as a campaign volunteer, a campaign manager, a State Party Chair and the National Chair of our Party. I learned the lessons of the tough, right-wing Republicans all too well. I can speak with authority on how to spar with everyone from Lee Atwater to Karl Rove. I understand that, while wrong and pernicious, shallow victory can be achieved through division by semantics and obfuscation. Like many, I succumbed to the addiction of old politics because they are so easy.

Innuendo is easy. The truth is hard.

Sound bites are easy. Solutions are hard.

Spin is simple and easy. Struggling with facts is complicated and hard.

I have learned the hard way that you can love the candidate and hate the campaign. My stomach churns when I think how my old friends in the Clinton campaign will just pick up the old silly Republican play book and call in the same old artificial attacks and bombardments we have all heard before.

Yet, despite the simple and overwhelming pressure to do anything and everything to win, Barack Obama has risen above it all and demanded a new brand of politics. People flock to Senator Obama because they are rejecting the hyperbole of the old politics. The past eight years of George Bush have witnessed a retreat from substance, science, and reason in favor spin, cronyism and ideology. Barack Obama has dared not only to criticize it, as all Democrats do, but to actually reject playing the same old game. And in doing so, he has shown us a new path to victory.

throwing the indiana factory under the bus and putting it back together again

2008-05-01T09:43:00.000-07:00

yo! these fucking clintons get away with murder in the media ... they can fuck white house interns and come up golden with an earning potential of $100 million. they could murder you in broad daylight on the white house lawn ... and when the cameras show up while they are still digging your grave they can cackle and say it was a ... misstep?

my point is not that the rest of us are angels who never made a gaffe or transgression or have never been adulterers ... the point is that the MEDIA ignores their blatant lies and hypocrisy ... the MEDIA whether lazy or sensationalist cannot be bothered to be outraged about anything other than jeremiah wright ... they got a lil tight about the bosnia shit but they couldn't even bring themselves to call hills a liar.

what will they say, if anything, about the indiana factory the clintons helped to shut down?

and who wants a president clinton who has ALREADY pissed off the iranian government and who uses 'provocative and irresponsible' language?

i pasted the entire text of ben smith's blog, 'anger in tehran,' here:

The politics of threatening to "obliterate" Iran were apparently too good for either of Clinton's rivals to criticize her for making the threat.

But it has turned into a bit of a diplomatic flap:

Tehran, which insists its nuclear programme is solely for power generation, denounced her words as "provocative and irresponsible..

It said the remarks were "a flagrant violation" of the UN Charter.

In a letter to UN Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon, Mehdi Danesh-Yazdi, Iran's deputy ambassador to the UN, said Mrs Clinton had "unwarrantedly and under erroneous and false pretexts threatened to use force against the Islamic Republic of Iran."

UPDATE:
i should ammend my question about the media ... and pose it just to cable news ... two news sources covered the iran story ... bbc and the nytimes are the ones i've seen so far ...

pump the brakes on the auto-assumption

2008-04-30T06:50:00.000-07:00

what this white priest illustrates very nicely for the public ... is that rev wright is not an american hater, a bigot, or a radical ...

i am sick with this AUTOMATIC ASSUMPTION that something is wrong with wright. it's one thing to have an opinion about wright. it's another thing for the media to speak about him as if EVERYONE has UNIVERSALLY agreed that wright is a hater, bigot, and a radical. there is no discussion at all about the content of his words as they are immediately dismissed. it's truly not that i am wright's biggest fan (i actually haven't even thought about my position on it) it's that the media is (once again) being LAZY and SIMPLEMINDED. which only influences the american public to be just as lazy.

hater, bigot, radical ... lazy, lazy, lazy ... some other dude wrote a great blog on this very topic and how if we take the time and effort to look at the content of rev wright's words ... there can be a more nuanced conclusion about rev wright. not all good ... but not ALL BAD (a.k.a. hater, bigot, radical).

sounds very HUMAN.

post-pennsylvanianism

2008-04-28T09:39:00.000-07:00

i'm not afraid to admit it ... i was wrong. wrong, wrong about PA. i am just on this new new shit ... the love shit ... the thinking positive shit ...

it's funny cuz america sure is testing me ... especially with the post-pennsy tenor of this democratic primary ... the post-PA syndrome now has barack obama on the ropes ... and the media, with their power to frame the terms of the debate, is questioning obama's general electability ...

there's already a good blog on that.

cuz my blog is not here to prove whether it is happening or not - it is.

so, it didn't hurt me to think positive. my ego don't hurt and it aint even bruised. but, since PA, part of me is tempted to wash my hands. throw in the towel. and say fuck it and fuck you america. cuz america is showing it's ass again.

america is answering the question people loved asking at the start of this presidential race: IS AMERIKKKA READY FOR A BLACK PRESIDENT?

i refused then and i refuse now to answer this question. cuz i don't want what i say to come true. you can guess. i will only publicly state that i believe it could happen and only amerikkka can show us.

and she already showing signs of hesitation ... aint she? don't you just love this fucking country?

since PA the media has created a new narrative for obama ... how will he win white working class voters? or white rural centrists? or white evangelical factory managers? or white people who scratch their butt after a beer at the local bar? or white people, white people, white people ...

are those white people ready for a black president?

i am going to think positive. i am going to think ... you never know. i am not going to deny that there are bigots ... i am just praying and believing ... and in the meantime i'm calling out the media and any people who i think are a lil ... hard to love.

i must admit though while i won't admit defeat and capitulation to the bigots of america ... i am not so interested in this race anymore. i don't watch msnbc like i used to. fuck them :) i don't watch cnn. i don't watch no morning shows. i barely read the blogs anymore ... america is back to boring me with their racism.

cuz i already know that barack obama could win the general election. but in a post-pennsylvania world ... he now has to get there first.

pigs part two

2008-04-28T09:10:00.000-07:00

instead of training cops ... we can train kids to deal with cops ... i have pasted a link to an article below ... about a bed-stuy non-profit, Project Re-Generation (PR-G), that is attempting to ease the divide between cops and young black people in black communities ... i support this non-profit because it's the shit ... but i also support this effort in general ... it is a prime example of a black person attacking the problems he sees in his neighborhood ... it is a prime example of how we take our own neighborhoods and youth back ... it is a prime example of how not to be discouraged when larger society and the rest of america fails us ... it is a prime example of how to take matters into our own hands - positively ... keep on brother shakur (barnabas that is) ... you can also check him and his works on the myspace ... god bless your efforts!

1. Last week PR-G and 100 Blacks in Law Enforcement did a Police confrontation workshop for the Rites Of Passage participants, for which there is a 5-minute video.

2. Writers from the NY Times were present and wrote a story on the workshop (two ROP participants were referenced).

pigs

2008-04-25T10:05:00.000-07:00

i don't even really have the right words for the outcome of the sean bell case or his tragic death.

it's one of them things ... you either believe some cops are racist or you don't. you either know they dirty or you don't.

you can believe in your fairytales and nothing i write here can change your mind.

or you can believe the truth. the truth will stand.

when me and you are dead and buried the dna evidence might reveal the truth. or two generations from now we might find a cop's secret diary. or five generations from now we might actually clean up the police and the justice system and admit that many cops have been dirty.

yeah, maybe. and maybe barack obama will be president. maybe.

but for now ... justice and truth ... are as hard to find as a boyfriend.

and they wonder why WE bitter? and they wonder why we stopped snitching? and they wonder why we act like we can't get a fair shake in america? and they wonder why we hate cops? and they wonder why we hate america?

well, i don't hate america (anymore) cuz i won't let her take my soul the way she has with countless others (including cops).

but this ... this sean bell verdict ... this ... is one reason why.

david sirota wrote this one - not the kid

2008-04-23T12:37:00.000-07:00

i find this blogger, david sirota, to be very smart. i think his arguments about a 'race chasm' are right on point. you can find more of his blogs on this topic at huffington post and other sites.

here is his latest blog in its entirety (even the update at the bottom):

David Sirota
Pennsylvania & the Persistence of the Race Chasm
Posted April 23, 2008 | 10:00 AM (EST)

A few weeks ago, I published an article in In These Times showing how Hillary Clinton has been winning states almost exclusively in the Race Chasm - states whose populations are more than 6 percent but less than 17 percent black. The results of the Democratic primary in Pennsylvania - a state whose demographics fall squarely in the Race Chasm - continue the trend.

I have hypothesized that the Race Chasm exists because of racial politics. Specifically, in states where there is almost no black population, black-white racial politics has little traction because it isn't part of the political dialect. In states where there is a very large black population, the black vote can offset a racially motivated white vote. But in the Race Chasm, the black vote is too small to offset a racially motivated white vote.

So how prevalent was race as a factor in voting in Pennsylvania? The exit polls suggest that when Pennsylvania Gov. Ed Rendell (D) previously said race would be a huge factor, he was absolutely correct. Specifically, page 4 and 5 of the CNN exit poll show a whopping 19 percent of Pennsylvania voters said race was an important factor in their vote, with Clinton winning almost 60 percent of that segment. Broken down further, 13 percent of the white vote said race was a major factor in their vote, with Clinton winning 75 percent of that group.

These are big numbers, especially considering the fact that these numbers only represent voters who are willing to admit to pollsters they are voting on race. The real number is probably much higher, because some voters may not want to disclose such taboo voting habits.

Let me reiterate something I wrote in my original Race Chasm analysis:

Clearly, race is not the only force moving votes. Demographic groups -- white, black or any other -- do not vote as monoliths. Additionally, the Race Chasm does not mean every white voter who votes against Obama nor every black voter who supports Obama is racially motivated.

However, considering the exit polling and the fact that Pennsylvania falls squarely in the demographic Race Chasm, it is clear that those who continue to pretend race is not a major factor in this campaign are deliberately averting their eyes from a very powerful force in the Democratic primary.

UPDATE: I should have added this into the original article. Some folks say that even discussing the Race Chasm is good or bad for one or another of the candidates in the primary or general election. That may or may not be true - but I don't really care. Political junkies tend to forget that the whole world does not revolve around the next election - and that yes - I know it's hard for some people to fathom - but some issues like racism are much bigger and more important than whatever election cycle we may be in. Racism is something that has been a part of American life for, oh, two centuries. If this presidential race is becoming a vehicle to talk about and confront and expose that racism, then that's a good thing - regardless of whichever candidates some think it may help or hurt.

poseur racista

2008-04-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

the quote i pasted below represents a euro-centric worldview and the same attitude pat buchanan adopted prior to the pennsylvania primary. i am just amassing all the evidence for when i take america to court for being fucking racist.

from huffington post link http://www.huffingtonpost.com/john-zogby/
ball-is-now-in-obamas-cou_b_98239.html:

"Make no mistake -- the Clinton win in Pennsylvania puts the burden of proof back on the shoulders of Obama, who must show white ethnic voters that he is worthy of their support. He did this effectively in Wisconsin earlier this year, and he must do it again in Indiana. They were evaluating him in Pennsylvania, and he closed the gap with Clinton in the week before the election, but he was unable to close the deal with them for the reasons I mentioned above."

what is wrong with white male voters?

2008-04-21T16:44:00.000-07:00

the alternative title is: what is wrong with pat buchanan?

as i sit by my TV ... pat buchanan asks the question: what is wrong with barack obama (if he fails to win white male voters in PA)? WOW ... on so many levels i rush to express 14 different thoughts at once ...

let me start with the love struggle. when pat buchanan poses questions like these on NATIONAL television i want to rip his heart out - thereby voiding all opportunities to love pat because well, he would be a dead and heartless body lying on the floor. at which point i would buy a tee shirt saying I HEART PAT BUCHANAN. that would be easy. but how to love him while his ole ass is still alive???

sigh. i'm digging deep for compassion and here it goes: pat buchanan is simply a product of his environment and family and life experiences. he views the entire world through his own tailor-made-white-man-lens. he lives in his own dream. he is a husband and father ... probably a grandfather. he breathes just like me. he cries (i know he does!) just like me. he gets scared, nervous, and proud ... just like me.

sigh.

i guess i'm really mad that he has so much POWER. the kind of power where you can say your personal opinion and it gets carried into every home in america by msnbc airwaves ... the kind of power where you can say what you think and if it's controversial enough ... bbc, cspan, cnn, and the ny times will call your assistant to schedule an interview.

the power of posing the question.

it is real. it is very strong. it is why the media has so much POWER. even if the question is illegitimate i.e. is the bell curve book right - do black people genetically have a lower intellect? or what is wrong with barack obama (if he doesn't win white male voters in PA)? or do you love america more than your pastor reverend wright?

the power of posing the question ... is the power to frame the argument. it is the power to set the terms of the debate.

it would never occur to pat to pose the reverse question ... he makes an automatic assumption that the person who is wrong ... is barack. sure, candidates must win voters and not the other way around. ok. so?

why won't white males vote for obama? is there something obama must do or should we take a closer look at the voter? or maybe the question could have been: why isn't barack obama winning that contingency? is something wrong with those white men if they don't vote for him? why does anybody have to be WRONG? maybe there's a more nuanced and smart analysis of the situation.

but instead pat, in his infinite wisdom, suggests ... there is something ... WRONG - with barack obama.

nothing is wrong. not with barack. and not with white male voters. i'm tempted to say the only one wrong is PAT BUCHANAN ... but that would not be very loving ...

sigh. i am so tired of old racists who never step out of their old black, laced up shoes ... i am so tired of these white men who have the power to pose the question ... even as a black man marches towards the presidential nomination ...

i only hope ... the Lord's plan is to show america to itself and others ... to make us bleed so bad with this emotional poison ... that we are eventually purged, cleansed and purified in the fire ... but pat buchanan will never read this (cuz uh nobody reads this right now) ...

or will he? at this point (now having purged my own poision) ... i simply pray.

attitude

2008-04-19T18:28:00.000-07:00

And a guy in a Phillies hat held the hand of his young child as he put his finger in my face and calmly told me, "If you think the niggers got attitudes now, wait till they get the White House."

-- from the Philadelphia City Paper

why i love bam bam!!!!

2008-04-18T17:56:00.000-07:00

he's THAT dude!

debatable debacle

2008-04-17T12:43:00.000-07:00

i have pasted below my favorite review of last night's 'presidential' debate. yeah, it was retarded and whether it was in fact a 'debate' is debatable. all these other bloggers are saying what i could say so i won't say it.

but what i haven't read anywhere is my racialized take on this 'debate' ... maybe cuz i'm blackety black black BLACK ... and crazy ... but ummm last night's 'prezidential debate' reminded me of what it's like to go to an all-white college and be the only black student in the class ... even if the prof is black or hindi or whatever ... many times THE black student has to prove why they are in the classroom ... your papers gotta be tighter, your analysis sharper, your questions more relevant, and grammar and diction clearly enunciated ... (at least if you buy into that bullshit)

... barack obama got dished with retarded ass questions (no offense to mentally disabled people - i am not talking about you) about how much his pastor LOVES america, and the weather underground ... because ... he is the only black kid in the class.

not that we mind! we used to it. and barack is the best at it.

here's what glenn greenwald had to say at salon.com ... and he provides links to other commentaries on last nite's debacle ... love yourself by informing yourself:

http://www.salon.com/opinion/greenwald/2008/04/17/debate/

jon stewart says it best

2008-04-17T10:15:00.000-07:00

some favorite lines: 'changing the fundamentals of arithmetic' & 'the bigot swing vote'

strange trees bear bitter fruit

2008-04-14T18:07:00.000-07:00

i am not a superdelegate.

i do not have a cable news show ... yet.

and america is the strange tree by the way.

but in my parent's living room in early, early april i declared that barack obama would win pennsylvania.

i got grandparents in KOP (king of prussia, PA) which is the home to the 2nd biggest mall in america. i used to live in philly ... does that make me an expert? well, what makes any of these pundits experts? i just got a gut feeling cuz what i know is that pennsy is not ohio ... thank God.

i got a gut feeling in the middle of hardball with chris matthews ... that obama would win PA.

who knows where it came from? but if i've learned anything after too many years of formal education it is that ... you must trust your gut.

and then the bitter battle blew up. and i thought: God works in mysterious ways.

cuz at first (on mid-Friday of april 11th) it seemed as if this bitter bullshit was gonna bite bam bam in the butt and cost him votes all throughout blue-collar america.

but it has not. my points below are going from least intelligent to most intelligent. the first point is the most obvious and the least profound and it kinda builds from there ... it's also going in order of the way people think ... people think about sensationalism first, and truth last ...

first off, clinton and mccain's "elitist" attacks are blowing up in their faces. ery body in blog-o-ville is already saying what most of america knows - they (mccain and clinton) are the elites of the elites! and it has also been revealed that senator hills' own husband made similar remarks to obama's.

second, obama was right. nuff said.

third, 2008 is not 1998 and it really aint 1984 (geraldine!). hillary clinton has been in a time warp throughout this entire campaign. she thinks red states are still red ... she thinks women can't appear human ... she thinks she has to pander ... she thinks she has to 'play the game' ... i don't uh blame her but i call a spade a spade - she's misreading the american landscape of TODAY, 2008 ... and now, she assumes that she can take the sexy words out of obama's mouth and stuff them down america's throat as if it was the total truth.

hillary clinton is having GOP flashbacks ... she's acting as if she is in a 1990's campaign. hillary thinks that the tactics republicans used so successfully against gore and so on will work against her own democratic rival. what she doesn't recognize is that obama is too smart and has elevated the conversational bar too high for that.

she's acting like the american people are not fed up with the iraq war - both parties ... she's acting like george w. bush gave idiocy, soundbites, and the republican party a good name ... i think g-dub innoculated america from nepotism ... america is now (post-9/11 and post-george w. bush) ready for some substance, real experience, and a whole lotta hope ...

fourth, the words are out of context (surprise surprise). never mind that obama said many words before and after the bitter quote ... i got a more balanced account of what was said and how it was said from someone else who was there (click this link to read it for yourself here : http:// www.huffingtonpost.com/david-coleman/ i-was-there-what-obama-re_b_96553.html).

turns out obama also talked about urban, large-city people in the same manner. what strikes me as HILLARIOUS is that mayhill fowler, who broke this story on huffingtonpost.com, had NOTHING to say about obama's critique of low-income city dwellers. i think it reveals fowler's own personal issues - like the fact that she is preoccupied with how SHE experiences america and this campaign - as evidenced in her other blogs. it also shows a lack of balanced journalism. sure, you can say obama said bitter this and bitter that ... but to be 'fair' and that is what journalism 'strives' to do she should also have said that obama did have comments about urban blight.

i'd love to see THOSE quotes - about how ghetto folk are self-destructive - thrown about on cnn, politico.com and the ny times in equal measure. but that would be too much like ... wright, right? that would mean that all the white newcasters would have to think about people who don't effect them ... they would have to stop worrying about how blue collar (code for WHITE) small town residents will be offended by obama. the majority-white media is stuck on these quotes because they feel that obama is talking about their FAMILY. they are also stuck in the same campaign paradigm as hillary which is so 2004. you know that pol talk i heard on meet the press this sunday: the democractic party always fails to reach the centrist southerner, the mid west miner ........ they are not so concerned about obama's prescriptions and sociological analysis of the majority of colored people who live in urban areas.

well, i'm still calling it. obama gonna take PA. both clinton and bam bam gave a speech in pennsy this morning of april 14th and both referenced obama's 'bitter' remarks. bam bam was met with applause and cheers. clinton got BOO-ed.

pennsylvania can smell bullshit a mile away. which is why my prediction will come true. oh, yes, it can.

the arrogance de-coded: get back to the back of the bus, darky

2008-04-02T07:23:00.000-07:00

ya know ... i been reading articles from 'real' newspapers/magazines as well as less fancy blogs which are claiming that my main man, bam bam, is ... arrogant ... he is too self confident ... he jokingly compared himself to God in an off the cuff convo with morgan freeman ... ooooooooh we should tell his mama .... and he had the nerve to insinuate that ......... DRUMFUCKINGROLL ... he might be the next president of the united states of assholes ... sorry, i am sometimes guilty of being an asshole just like all of you ... we all have our moments ... and i am more often guilty of hating on america (i could never be an obama aide or sit next to him at church) ...

my translation: arrogance is doublespeak for ... "that black man is way too comfortable in his own skin and i have never encountered anything like that in my life and it's making me feel funny in my tummy" ...

many will refute, many will deny, many will decry ... first of all, i don't have to provide any links to the other articles cuz i am not a 'real' journalist, i have no budget, i report to no one but the Lord, and i don't get paid to write the truth as i see it! maybe i'm bitter about that ... but maybe these are the perks ... i also don't have to provide no psuedo- or otherwise scientific evidence for my anthro-psycho analysis ...

understand too ... that i am referring to any person who makes these claims bout bam bam - be they black, white or whatever ... you can be a colored person and still be racist ...

i have never for one moment had a feeling that obama was arrogant ... it's so retarded it's laughable except the claim is getting too much play in the public sphere ... i find bam bam QUIET, thoughtful, deliberate, and humble ... yes, yes, yes, he is confident ... but you had better be if you are a black man living in hawaii, indonesia, or the south side of chicago ... you had better be fucking confident if you are running for president ...

people simply have a problem with confident, unapologetic black men (and women - and i speak from experience here!) people simply are disturbed by a black man who is so sure of where he fits in this world ... people see so many black men asking for permission, or pandering to whitey, or acting violent to get some love ... even many young black students i work with ... don't know what it means to be black and entitled in white america ... even some black people i went to college with were not comfortable in white classrooms ...

a foreign-for-black-people-sense of entitlement is probably what these people are confusing with arrogance ... YES finally a black man is on national TV ery day and claims he is entitled to the presidential nomination and the entire fucking job - just cuz he is a human competing in the same prezidential contest as other humans — bold isn’t it? ... yes, obama feels as do I and a handful of other colored people that we were BORN ENTITLED to a life of dignity, respect, and unlimited possibilities ... we (and i sure will speak for bam bam cuz it's that simple a statement i doubt he would refute it) also feel we are ENTITLED to inalienable human rights: freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom of self-identity, freedom to bear arms etc. etc.

it’s not the kind of entitlement where you are born with a silver spoon in your mouth and think silver poop comes out the other end ... it is simply a belief in your own validity as a person because you know you are a human just like anyone else ... a.k.a. confidence.

... and if we all pause for a moment and take stock of what is on our inner shelves ... we will know that this arrogance bullshit is code for the shock of seeing a black man comfortable with POWER ...

empower yourselves ... by freeing yourselves from these old ass limitations ... for those who are in shock that black men can be so at ease with who they are and their ascent to greatness ... and for those who are in shock that such a power lies within us all ...

i mean, get used to it cuz this darky aint movin ... and the only place bam bam movin is ... into the WHITE house.

tastes great/less filling: we could all be wright

2008-03-27T17:46:00.000-07:00

i read about 53 1/2 blogs a day. all about the u.s. democratic primary. i kinda skip mccain and nader blogs ... just not as riveting to me. i am admittedly obssessed and addicted to this 2008 political contest.

i even read pro-clinton blogs cuz i like to see how those human beings think and process info.

well there are a few nagging loose ends about rev wright that i think are dangling ... and obscuring clear vision ... the way a loose strand of hair gets in the faces of people who have straight hair or stray hairs ... but anyway

1) rev wright's sermons should not be discussed by anyone who has not seen the entire sermon -- i have heard some say that context is an 'excuse' used by pro-obama supporters. but context is neither partisan nor does it convey preferential treatment. it merely is. it is intellectually lazy to divorce speech (or anything else) from its context. however, language in particular cannot be taken out of context. it is ALWAYS context that defines the language in play (i challenge you to do your own research). take the example of the word "that". which "that" is she talking about? that 'that' or the other 'that'. well, maybe i'm talking about that one over there (don't get me started on there). over where? oh, you mean the person to whom i am speaking would have to be standing right next to me to understand what i mean by that? and this is not some indirect advocacy for bill clinton's is 'is' redefinitions. this is based on linguistic study i did once upon a time at grad school that i never imagined would have any real life impact on the real world. but 'that' and 'this' cannot be taken out of context.

well, before we get to the specific words rev wright issued let's try a less vague example. for all of you who are hard to persuade. let's take the word 'brother.' i would use nigga but that's very controversial ... so when a black man calls another black man whom he is not related to 'brother,' does it mean brother in the sibling sense? perhaps you would have to know the context of the situation: how are the two men connected to each other? in my hypothetical example they do not share any blood as it turns out. so here we see if we audio or videotaped their convo - splicing the word brother - we might assume ... that they did share at least one parent. never mind that the way in which 'brother' is defined here arises from the context of a specific black experience.

does the same word have the same meaning in a different context? let's say a white man comes in a restaurant that uh sells cheese and he approaches a black male salesperson by saying "hey, hook it up brudda" (and the white man puts extra emphasis on the 'dd' as opposed to the 'th' and he is sure to leave off the -er). how does the white man mean 'brother'? and how does his audience (of one) interpret the 'brother' claim? is the context important? what happens when the black cheese-seller then punches the white man in the face? can we conclude the black man took this form of 'brudda' as an insult? and what happens when the white man acts perplexed as to why a black man would take this as an insult? perhaps, yes, just perhaps (for all you doubters) context might inform the explanation of this situation. perhaps.

now, let's get to the actual beef. the soundbites of rev wright's sermon cannot stand alone. and i think the media is negligent in reporting on statements taken out of context. if we take statements away from their parent-statements, if you will, then all we are doing is using those words to be understood as we intend; not attempting to understand them as the speaker intended. we can take words out of context to convey ANY meaning we like. but then we cannot call that communication we must call it ... propaganda. you are using de-contextualized words to promote your own interpretation or agenda.

if rev wright had made a brief three-word proclamation such as, "God damn america." then he would have to be held accountable to that three-word statement. context would still have a very important role but there could be no waffling on what he meant by those words. rev wright's actual sermon references pacifism and the words of a white U.S. Ambassador who used malcolm x's famous phrase "the chickens have come home to roost."

now, i am happy to get into a debate with ANYONE who has listened to the ENTIRE sermon. that's fine ... i think we would end up disagreeing about foreign policy and not race.

2) rev wright aint spit no hate speech -- i am troubled by the majority of people who now quick-term rev wright's soundbites as 'hate speech.' again, if you've only heard the soundbites you might jump to that conclusion. but you'd be jumping not deducing with your intelligence. but all of that aside, even the soundbites alone do not point to HATE. they point to critique. and they also point to a very different perspective on america than we see in popular media and culture - what obama in his race speech termed distorted. i would not use the term distorted for rev wright because that lays a negative value on it. i don't think his perspective is any more negative than blind patriotism. they are just different. an analogy i like to use is the half empty/half full perspective. a blind patriot might see the glass (of america) half full. and rev wright definitely sees it half empty. obama's speech attempted to provide the context for rev wright's half empty perspective. rev wright views the black experience in america from the bottom up; from the position of the poorest of the poor; from the disenfranchised; as a recipient of the very worst legacies of america's history.

one could disagree with that perspective but should one totally discount it? and when we categorize this as hate speech are we missing half of the dialogue on race? rev wright referenced the notion that america gave black people AIDS ... is that hate? no. did he say i hate america for giving us AIDS? no. did he say i want to kill all white people because they caused 9/11? no. did rev wright accuse white people of certain things that may or may not be true? yes. is that hate? no.

when rev wright's words are reduced ... and reduction is the key process ... to hate speech they are very easily discarded and dismissed. the words become detached from real human meaning - whether you agree with the meaning or not. when rev wright's words are reduced to hate speech there can be no foundation for commonality and compassion and no path towards GREATER UNDERSTANDING; because by then the words have been simplified into pure hate: words easily tossed in the trash, picked off a sweater like lint, reduced like a sauce until they are just burnt up remnants on a frying pan. if those in the media and public sphere continue to mitigate rev wright's words to a little hate-filled corner we will continue to hate each other.

closing remarks:
i suggest that mainstream america is so unused to scathing criticism (since the loss of malcolm x) two things happen: 1) people percieve rev wright's words as hate speech, and 2) disconnection from those who are most critical about america and her history -- the disenfranchised -- deepens.

do i discount this perception on the part of the bloggers, the pundits, hillary clinton, joan walsh, pat buchanan, and even many people of color?

i am REALLY REALLY trying not to: that's why i wrote this blog. i do not want to discount the visceral reaction that likely 50-60% of america had to rev wright's soundbites ... because i understand what it's like to have a different perception of reality ... i understand what it's like to be discounted because i see things in a way you've never even conceived of.

i can only join the voices of those white and brown, yellow, and black alike (in the minority) who are calling on americans and the media to be their best selves ... to stop being intellectually lazy, and to start looking at why they are so hurt by the small number of words uttered by rev wright.

let LOVE rule!

THE rACE speech and doing it again

2008-03-19T10:52:00.000-07:00

i would just like to take ALL credit for bam bam's race speech ... didn't i just predict that in my march 13th blog! i am laughing out loud because i am, of course, joking .... however, i was a little bit right ... obama gave THE race speech in philly on march 18th and you can find the transcript on huffingtonpost.com ...

i aint goin into the speech's brilliance ... i'm not going to skewer the speech to try to pick it apart and find all its fault lines ... i just don't find that work as interesting as assessing the reactions to the speech.

one reaction has got my drawers all bunched up round my hips ... and that is this sentiment as expressed by joan walsh (link: http://www.salon.com/opinion/walsh/?last_story=/opinion/walsh/2008/03/19/iraq/) she writes and i quote: "It was an intriguing leap, but I didn't buy it. I don't think Obama's elderly grandmother, who still lives in Hawaii and is reportedly too frail to travel, who was a product of her time and place and yet did her best to raise her half-black grandson, deserved to be compared to Wright, a public figure who's built his career around a particularly divisive analysis of American racial politics. It is easily the most tin-eared thing I've ever heard Obama say."

first i have to say that roger simon of politico.com expressed the same 'doubt' as joanie on msnbc's hardball with chris matthews just last night ... roger just didn't think the comparison between jeremiah wright and the white grandma is fair ... hmmm

second thought that comes to mind is .... bitches, please ...

let's dissect joan's language ... "hawaii," "frail," "a product of her time and place," "yet did her best," "half-black grandson"..... WOW joan come on ... are you saying the grandma is excused because she was a product of her time? or because she did her best? is wright not a product of his time? are we not all a product of our time? and even more so a product of our environment and stuck to our context? and why did you use half-black and not half-white? is that to imply the extra challenge the charitable white grandmother had to face - almost as if he was half-wild? and what the fuck does hawaii have to do with anything? joan, you wrote it like her 'still' being on an island of perceived peace and tranquility means she is in fact THE island of peace and tranquility! what does hawaii have to with it? is it too pretty a place for a racist grandma to have a house?

joan uses these words for rev. wright: "a public figure," "built ... on divisive analysis," ... so because he is in public he is no longer doing his best nor is he a product of his time ... and rev. wright's divisive analysis is MORE divisive than the white grandma's fear of black men who pass her on the street, joan? huh joan? is it just more divisive FOR YOU? or are you deciding for america? who's divisiveness is more grounded in fact and research: rev. wright or white grandma?

joan walsh, roger simon and others ... you're doing it again ... you feel empathy for a racist white grandma you feel distrust for an angry black preacher ... you understand the white grandma don't you? you can't comprehend a preacher who spits american critique? you are a victim of the ignorance obama mentioned in his speech ... you are issuing a double standard ... you still don't get it, you still don't want to try to understand jeremiah wright but you are more than happy to justify the lil white grandma ...

it's funny cuz as a kid growing up in a multi-racial house ... i got more races in me than obama so ha ... it was always MORE hurtful to hear racism from a loved one than from a street corner or a TV ... it effected my psyche much deeper that my grandparents could fear black people and love me at the same time ... i didn't care about the david dukes, pat buchanans and the ronald reagans ... they didn't feed me and tuck me in at night ... when it comes from our family the intolerance feels more intolerable ... the dynamic goes like this: a little brown girl can't fathom how her grandparents can hate half of her heritage so it makes her hate people who hate her cuz if her grandparents can know this little brown girl and claim to love her but they can't love her other people then the little girl assumes that nothing will ever make her grandparents or other racists realize that black people are human too ... but that's a side note.

my main thrust is ... white people ... you doing it again

my less main and more sub-thrust is ... the race speech at least helps bring all this out ... all the emotional poison (see don miguel ruiz) and i guess i feel that i don't need to discuss the merits or demerits of the speech cuz i know what's true ... that speech is true ... it could've been truer ... and no presidential election, or for-profit TV show, or cheap blog, or political pundit, or ohio voter can erase the truth ... and even if it takes another 50 years or 100 years the truth will stand ... even if obama loses it all ... the truth will stand ... even if joan walsh never agrees with me ... the truth will stand ... and that truth is: both jeremiah wright and the lil white grandma are BOTH HUMAN and only God can judge them.

i wanna love you joan walsh ... my grandparents keep getting in my way ... one day i won't be doing the same shit ...... again.

let's hear that speech again!

obama's next pennsy stump speech

2008-03-13T20:35:00.000-07:00

this is what obama should say in PA:

"hey people of pennsylvania! i'm glad to be here blah blah intro bullshit. i'm glad to be able to come meet you in person because people have been talking about how the people of PA will vote. ed rendell says white people here won't vote for a black man. the newscasters on every major television channel say the odds are in senator clinton's favor because blue collar white men and women dominate this state. the clinton campaign itself thinks they've got white men and women who earn under $50,000 in their pocket. and the undertone is race. should the people of pennsylvania be stereotyped? should anyone assume that they know what you will do? is hillary clinton suggesting that you do not have independent minds and the ability to go on the internet and see the issues for yourselves? i believe in you people of pennsylvania. i believe that you will not just count me out of this race because i am a black man. i believe that if you hear something you like today in my policies and plans than you will visit my website ... and visit senator clinton's as well. i believe that you will not vote out of old fears but that you will actively try to find out who is the best candidate for your future, your children, your aging mother, and your community. i believe all the voters of this nation can think for themselves and exercise their own sound judgement based on the issues."

amerika showin its ass

2008-03-12T06:53:00.000-07:00

when amerikkka brings its hate ... it brings out the hate in me ... i'm trying to love but all i see is ass crack:

it's funny but i think the dnc is so white girl ... it's just like a white girl to make up the rules of the game and then try to change them when they ain't going her way ... or white boy for that matter.

and to try to change the rules based on some pseudo-intellectual argument ... in a calm RATIONAL way they will try to get what they want based on REASON ... and if the logic doesn't pre-exist then they will use folklore, fear, common-law, de-facto logic to twist perspectives until they appear rational indeed ...

the media is legitimizing the HRC campaign's claim that they have a case for the democratic nominee spot cuz ... guess why ... they won some traditional 'blue' states ...

well, if that was the most important criteria for becoming the dem. nominee why isn't it in the dnc rules to begin with? cuz it's political spin speculation mumbo jumbo. although the analysts, pundits, and yahoos like to wax ad nauseaum about red states versus blue states it is only a political narrative not a physical reality. california really isn't blue motherfuckers!! it's highly mexican - no just kidding. but anyway my point is that hillary's case or argument is only as strong as the media and the superdelegates make it. i think that relying on red state versus blue state polling and projections is more of the same in-the-box politics that will keep us with the same political losers who contrive to win.

i also think the media is totally bolstering her claims by giving the idea so much air time and credibility ... the sentence usually starts off like this on msnbc or cnn: "i do think senator clinton is going to make a strong argument at the convention ..." it's only as strong as people make it.

red state/blue state paradigms are not written into the dnc rules because they are illusory, transient, and dynamic paradigms. hillary clinton is drawing on it's narrative power, it's de facto presence in political discussion, and it's cultural currency. she is not supporting her argument with any FACT. just like a white girl. i've already stated that the HRC machine can say what it wants and then say the total opposite or say something absurd and then look like a victim ... she is so brilliant at being evil. i can't wait till she is president.

furthermore the proof, the facts of this election to date, and the actual voting trends show that obama would be the only one to smash the red state/blue state paradigm (and change the whole playing field?). but ... they don't talk about that so much on the TV. maybe that would be too much REAL change.

i would also like to point out that the dnc is rigged for these loophole white girl/white boy sneak-around-the-system tactics ... the very presence of superdelegates is a counter-punch to the popular vote ... the old white boys of the seventies could never simply rely on the PEOPLE to determine a nominee ... they had to create party elites who somehow demonstrated some kind of infinite wisdom because they had held public office or worked the voter registration tables for many years ... elite thinkers of sound judgement such as, eliot spitzer. need i say more?

amerika gets what it deserves.

no, no, no - let me not succumb to my old hating-white-people ways ...

white people can you pull your pants up and step up to being a human being first?

and the beating goes on

2008-03-10T17:56:00.000-07:00

hillary is so hard to love. and hard to hug ...

the u.s. presidential race keeps revealing more about america and her people ... i think obama was on the right track when he suggested that hillary wants to bamboozle and hoodwink the average american.

she can tell the american people anything. and they buy it. she can say she was never for NAFTA despite factual, actual evidence to the contrary. she can claim she has 35 years of experience that she never had. she can create "commander-in-chief threshold(s)" that never before existed in the english language and the american political process. she can whine about who gets the first questions on nationally televised political debates. she can pull the gender card. she can compare obama to ken starr. and she can align herself with the republican oppononent, john mccain.

and this is what she knows: the average american will not go on the internet to check for themselves if the facts are correct on NAFTA. the average american will take her at her word that she has 35 years of experience. the average american is more inclined to believe a white woman whose face has been public fodder for at least ten years rather than a black man (whose face in a turban has been circulated by hillary clinton in this campaign).

she knows that the average american is a lazy thinking, fear guzzling bigot.

and obama challenges americans to be better than they are.

you do the fucking delegate math.

ohio is the most racist state in the electorate

2008-03-04T08:34:00.000-08:00

if i had a talk show that's what we'd be talking about. i'd get all kinds of victim-of-racism-experts to come on and talk about how the primary in ohio only reveals that it is the most racist state in the union.

i was really diggin white people until ohio. ohio reminds me of all the old school racists you know. and dumb fucks. you know people who don't know shit about shit except maybe their local bar and how hard it is to keep their job and their house. people who don't know where iraq is and couldn't give a fuck about what's going on there. people who are scared of what they don't know, never seen, and can't comprehend. i think there's a few black people in ohio like that too.

let's just give ohio to canada.

your breath smells like love

2008-02-08T07:58:00.000-08:00

in my quest for the love of my life a.k.a. the love of myself a.k.a. the love of God a.k.a. the love all around us ... i read a lot.

some links to books i found helpful are in the column to your right. i didn't put a weblink to the bible cuz i haven't found the right website. but yes, i have embarked on reading the bible. i am no christian fundamentalist ... lately i am considering myself a student of the universe. i want to understand the universe (a little) because that is where i think love is.

all this to say that in my studies and readings common threads are emerging. the most obvious is of course, LOVE. unconditional love. all the prophets talked about it AND it is also part of many ancient traditions in north america, kazakhstan, india, china, congo, iran etc. etc.

i do yoga but now i also read yoga. and the textual foundations of yoga are just as fascinating as the physical applications .... in the current book i am reading the idea of the breath was illuminated for me.

i'll tell you the dots that got connected for lil ole me:

1) when i was in therapy about a year or two ago i told my doctor about how angry i get from time to time with uh human beings in the world. ya know, on the subway pushy people piss me off and in the supermarket slow ass people get on my nerves, and ya know white people sometimes when they are just being themselves made me wanna choke em out .... yeah anger management issues - i'm not really that embarrassed by it. well the therapist told me to try a breathing technique ... count to ten and breathe and focus on the breath blah blah blah i tried it and it kinda worked but it took so much mental power ... but i didn't stick with it and i didn't really GET it. at the time. this was just the realm of psycho-therapy.

2) but i connected that suggestion with another reading i did in another book. don miguel ruiz talks in the mastery of knowledge and in the four agreements about loving yourself and being thankful that we even have breath to breathe. he goes on further to say breath is the very essence of life. when we are more actively conscious of our breath we are truly living. he encouraged readers to take time to just breathe and listen to their breath. this is the toltec tradition.

3) of course ... eat/pray/love incorporates the yoga principles and also talks about breath and sound in mantras ... and i heard this theme reiterated again. this is one anglo-american woman's account.

as i read desikachar's, 'the heart of yoga,' all of these - the toltec, the therapist, the individual testimony, the yogi - random worlds collided ....... into one breath. he writes, "the quality of our breath is extremely important because it expresses our inner feelings. If we are in pain it shows in our breathing ... the breath is the link between the inner and outer ... normally we are not conscious of our breathing ... " and many of us may be familiar with these yoga terms and concepts: breathe into your muscle, breathe out your toxins ... and to many it sounds like fantastical magical hooha mumbo jumbo bullshit.

it is very real and very possible to me. and this is where i invite you to experience the love, grace, peace, and happiness you can feel simply by breathing.

you do not have to believe me and i don't want you to. i know this is true because i have practiced becoming conscious of my breathing. i have learned how to breathe INTO muscles and you can learn too. the truth will stand so i challenge you to put my claims to the test; maybe just as an exercise to prove me wrong or maybe cuz you want me (and a million others) to be right.

in your own life you can begin to focus on your breathing. learn different breathing techniques and see how they feel. practice it with or without the meditative aspects? practice it more consciously in your own yoga. don't ask a bozo on the street - do some real research at the very least. i can clearly recommend desikachar's book (see link to the right).

but my most important point is actually this ... the dots connected for me because i was honest with myself ... i had to admit to me ... that the breathing doesn't work when my mind is truly not focused on it ... but that is the hard part. earlier i mentioned how much mental power it took to use my breathing to reduce my anger (the therapist's suggestion). i quit and gave up on it because it was TOO hard. the answer is simple but the way was HARD. i also think i quit because i wasn't sure the amount of effort would be worth the results. but now i believe ... now i know that if i keep pushing myself and practicing my breath will lead me to happiness.

i have caught rare glimpses of that life, that other me ...

when i was focused on my breath during yoga i have felt how life coursed from my lungs to my fingertips ... when i truly focused on my breathing i felt how i eliminated waste much differently (not to be gross but keepin it real!) ... i acknowledged in those rare moments that breathing is transformative ... i was aware of the breath of God only when i was focused on my breath in the moment ...

being in the moment is another common thread emerging in all of my readings ... yoga teaches us through our breath and body to be present in every moment ...

but right now i am in this moment and i will save all my ideas about "being in the moment" for another blog. and this moment is all about your stankin loving breath.

welcome to the party life

2008-01-14T07:04:00.000-08:00

alone.

it's a single party. you the only one who got invited. you the only who came to dance.

you make a decision. and you are the only one to live with it.

you must breathe with it in your own body.

you must have faith ... that at the very least ... you simply did the right thing.

LOVe, me

what the world needs NOW!

2008-01-10T08:34:00.000-08:00

you may wonder why i harp on this LOVE bizness so much ... sigh. well, i almost didn't write this blog. i almost let the lack of love i read in the newspaper, i see in my job, and i hear from our youth overwhelm me and take me down ... into a sinking black cloud of hopelessness.

where is the LOVE?!

so i read today ... that a vietnamese (not that it fucking matters) man in alabama tossed his four kids off of a bridge and sent them to their deaths ... the kids ages ranged from a few months old to 3 years ... they even showed a picture ... where is the love?

right beneath that little tidbit i read that the police arrested a woman (i am assuming she is white since they didn't mention ethnicity at all) because they discovered the dead bodies of four females in her house (?!!!) ranging in age from 5 years old to 18 ... where is the love?

i work with young people. this week ... one of my students is being put out of his aunt's house. his mama is in jail. his sister won't take him in. he has no job right now. he is about to be homeless. and he is in despair. no one wants to be homeless. he is 19 years old. where is the love?

my other student came in this week to tell me that she was raped. she is 20.

where is the love?

the great debaters ... no denzel

2008-01-06T19:39:00.000-08:00

barack is no denzel washington. but uh he is just as cute. and he is a great public speaker. but he probly couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. then again ... these politicians are the BEST actors.

i watched the 'debate' on shit i forgot what day. not much of a debate ... more of a reality tv show in which a news anchorman asked some questions of the candidates. it's all a farce but it was kind of entertaining.

the farce part is that nothing in america really changes when the president changes. nothing. ever. since the beginning of america. that's cuz we live in a two-party prison. the two parties aint very different. and also the electoral college takes a lot of the democratic punch out of this so-called democracy. the senate and house of reps would need to change ... well, if we really wanted change.

i just can't stand hillary clinton. she backed the iraqi war cuz it was politically expedient. that's all i need to fucking know.

john edwards is looking like a radical ... and obama is looking all-american ...

what does it really mean?

things change very slooooooooooowly. but america is not what it used to be. and i think we can all sense that even if a woman or a black man does not become prez in '09 ... a change gon come.

and for a woman (me) who had no faith in america, humanity, white people, or the u.s. government this is encouraging news.

you should be (a little) encouraged too.

self-reflexive racism or vomit in my mouth

2007-12-03T11:41:00.000-08:00

it comes back to haunt you.

treat a human like a dog. and the dog-who-used-to-be-human will bite you in the ass.

i am almost sick of talking about this shit. some people wanna argue racism don't exist. meanwhile i been living neck-deep in racist shit everyday of my life. i am certainly sick of living it. but since i got to live it; i got to tell it.

also, i'm an intelligent person .... and i'd like to be able to build a case (and i could if i set aside a few hours) for all you non-believers but as don miguel says, the truth stands. i will not make a case for racism. i have experienced and witnessed its truth. believe me or not.

and what i know to be true about it is this: when you are a victim of racism you come to hate the racist. i AM the dog who wants to bite some white people ass. i am JUST like a dog. the thought of hurting white people gets me PUMPED. i start salivating and sniffing in the air. i give out a little growl and then i lunge for the fucking jugular.

yo, white people, this is real talk. and given that racism has not gone anywhere we might try this new tactic in race relations: BEING HONEST. many a negro, descendant of a slave, and/or black person has FANTASIES about random violence against white people. some of us call these "slave-flashbacks" or "jim crow moments" or "colonial recollections." whatever the fuck you wanna call it ... there are emotional wounds from racism. past racism and current racism.

these emotional wounds actually just re-open and get more infected as we live our day to day lives. cuz AT LEAST ten times a day i am reminded of the world's racism. all i got to do is turn on the TV .... or go to work. or pick my daughter up at her busted public school for colored children. i get bitter bile in my mouth just writing this. i AM bitter.

but i don't want to stay that way.

see the irony of racism is that racists can't figure out why people hate them. white people think that only slave-owners perpetuate racism. but by denying racism you perpetuate it. cuz you just burying your head in the sand while the race war rages around your ass sticking in the air.

some racists don't understand that there are a lot of angry dogs out there. some of us are just angry about OLD shit but cuz the racists have never had to take accountability or serve at the hands of justice the emotional wound is as fresh as if slavery happened yesterday. because america just silently and stealthily meandered from slavery into this sloppy de facto apartheid colored people are PISSED THE FUCK OFF. see, we know. we KNOW!

even those black folks who act like they don't know. deep down they do know. and that's why they running to be white - they hate themselves. we know that america has treated colored people as if they were dogs. as if we were not human. we all know. so we hate.

and we burn. and we rage. and we take it out on ourselves. and we hate whitey. and most of all we come to hate ourselves. and this ....... is american history.

BUT BUT BUT ... you know i'm bout the love, you know i am working towards forgiving white people ... forgiving all racists ... i guess ... i know there is no ultimate reward in truly 'sticking it to the man' but i can't help but feel a little gloating satisfaction that we are still gonna do white people one better ... we gon show em we better ... and always have been ... because

we will forgive them. the ultimate expression of our true humanity.

i just need a little help from you, Jesus.

eat/PRAY/love by elizabeth gilbert: a book review?

2007-11-21T21:24:00.000-08:00

aight ... the short review is: I LOVE THIS BOOK! GO BUY IT!

what else? where do i start??? many of you probly heard about this book ... it's pretty mainstream now ... lots of young white girls are reading it on NYC trains ... mid-aged white women too ... you can pick it up at any major book chain and read the back ........... i'm not going to give you a literary synopsis. i'ma tell you what i saw and felt in those pages.

first and foremost: GOD. that white lady was scared to write about God (she said it in the book) cuz she knew how her majority white audience, family, and friends would be put off by such direct talk. but she couldn't avoid it and neither can i. i think this white lady is going to make GOD cool again for white people. she is going to help white people find their lost spirit. is it lost collectively? kinda ... i'm not no expert (does the double negative imply that i really AM?) and i don't really wanna go too deep into it. BUT many (not all) white people are out of touch with their god-spirit. sure, they HAVE one but ......................... and honestly, the book affirmed for me that average white people do have a god-spirit (see future blog on more about the adverse effects of being a racist).

back to the book! so, this book has a lot of social relevance for our current times and a lot of spirituality. on a larger social level i believe this book signals a shift away from scientific method modernity towards non-fundamentalist spirituality. the GOD in this book loves all denominations and all religious affiliations. the God in this book has no doctrine or rules or book. i know i know the book has no book ... but i kinda like that play on words. and that is the future of religion.

the future (God willing) is the end of all this east/west bickering. the future foretells the end of this religious fighting. the future is in the common threads that link all religions together (those that are not demonic) ... which are simply that God is love and we should treat one another with love. once we recognize this we can all love each other no matter what the other believes. then we will be one people. one humanity. in my mind, one afrika (we all came from there anyway).

well, this book pushes us in that direction and i'm all for it.

i love this book on a personal level too. this woman has a real zest for life that i wish more people would embrace. i love how this woman understands that eating food (here i go again) is a sensual and spiritual experience. and this chick is funny. sarcastic and witty; she had me laughing out loud.

she also provides a practical plan for healing and self-discovery. yoga, meditation, and prayer cleansed her and patched her up. she goes IN DEPTH into how all of these actually apply to her life. she talks about how she had to fall on the bathroom floor and call for the lord. she talks about what God's voice sounds like in her ear. she talks about the actual physical and spiritual sensations one might feel in meditation. all in plain motherfuckin english.

lastly ... i am inspired by her story. it's a love story. she learned to love herself. she found inner peace. she is testifying to us all. i am listening and trying to learn because i'm headed in that direction.

see you in the future in love.

love in the time of bureaucracy

2007-11-12T11:03:00.000-08:00

bureaucracy is the pillar of modernity. the motherfucking foundation upon which most of it is built. i won't go into the history (yet) but i will tell you about what happened this morning.

every morning i wake up ready to tackle the world. with love. to be nice to all people even in the face of evil ... to forgive small petty mean-ness ... to stay peaceful and project LOVE. that shit is hard.

i tried to log on to blogspot this morning to write you people and i couldn't remember my password ... long to short is i am STILL on hold with time warner cable's online department ... i have spoken with TWO customer service reps and gave them both the SAME information ... i am at work ... i am living my life ... so, no, i don't have time to spend HALF MY DAY simply retrieving a PASSWORD to an e-mail account i hardly use ..........

and yet, the soft tinkling of classical elevator music wafts around me as i write this. and when (after waiting 40 minutes) a HUMAN gets on the phone i have an attitude. i got a attitude cuz now i been on hold forever and this human works for a company that thinks it is ok to keep people on hold that long. (even though us customers pay over $100 month to wait on hold for 40 minutes) and i can't keep the irritation, frustration, and impatience out my motherfucking mouth. i think this treatment of customers is UNACCEPTABLE.

ah but where is the love?

it is not the customer reps fault that his company is a big bureacratic machine in which the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing. a bureaucratic machine that just keeps spinning and cycling people through without a care for their humanity.

did i mention i am still on hold? even now that i have written four paragraphs ...

i was a little rude to the service rep ... and i got a paper cut. i am working on breathing, taking a step back, and not taking out my anger on another human being who just wants to finish his or her workday.

but bureaucracy makes it hard. oh! they just picked up ... you want my name and address ... AGAIN?! see ... you keep making it hard to be nice and loving to you.

but love will prevail .............. because it's right and true. so, if you know what i'm talking about and you've had to deal with service reps and being on hold and the run around shuffle around department to department repeating your address like you were seven years old again and can't remember where you live ...... i commend you for keeping your cool and showing some love to humans who know not (or can't help) ... what a big bureaucratic mess they are part of.