phase 2 -- operation save my life: the long hard winter

sometimes you just got to put your nose to the grindstone. and keep chugging. wake up everyday (late) round 7 am .... if lucky. take the baby to school. go to work. work at work (or not). pick the baby up. walk half a mile home in 7 year old legs. make/buy/fake some dinner. check baby's homework. tickle baby. give the baby a bath. put the baby to bed. take a shower. fall out.

wake up and do it all over again.

from december to july it was the hardest part of my plan: the sucking it up and being patient part.

in the little free time i had i looked up stuff about atlanta on the internet. i put all my furniture in storage. i prayed a lot ... i fell asleep around 10 pm a lot. i lived on credit when my salary couldn't cover all the bills. i humbled myself and allowed myself to accept gifts and assistance from my family and friends.

i still gave like i had money in the bank. i sent books to a lot of friends that winter ... i still had some ridiculously expensive work lunches. i did not worry and i did not stress about money or moving or getting a job or getting a car. i spoke with the Lord and i said "Lord, if you want me to do this and this is part of your plan for me then i know you will make a way. i will trust you to send me to the right restaurant. I will expect that you will provide me and my daughter with adequate housing. I will lean on your timing. i will have faith that what money is not here today will be there one day when i really truly need it. i will know i am going the right way because there will be little or no resistance to my plans."

i had a lot of folks to pay ... the fed hit me up for thousands, the price of oil made the price of heating gas skyrocket, back taxes popped up, the price of tea in china ... and despite all these unexpected expenditures i met my saving targets. i had more money in the bank than ... ever? i also had more credit card debt but ... i had accomplished a major goal. at many points during that winter i wasn't sure how or if i would save enough but i did my best and GOD did the rest.

i had never in my adult life been without a job except when i was in grad school. i wasn't worried but many around me were ... and at times the questions would hit me: what if it takes me two months to find a restaurant job? what if the fact that i have limited restaurant experience gets in the way? where are you going to live? what if baby daddy flips the script?

and i would answer myself: then, that means it's not to be and you will go look for a job somewhere else; and if worse comes to worse my generous friends have opened their homes to me; as for baby daddy i can only pray. but damn, did my brain sound braver than i felt. i still aint worry. what would be the point? i was as excited to FAIL as i was to SUCCEED. have you ever felt like that?

now that the hardest part of my plan is over ... i can't even remember what it was like to be cold that winter ... i am just glad i made it through.

and as winter melted into summer i made plans to visit atlanta on june 27th to scout out restaurants, find an apartment, and get the lay of the land. i gave notice at my job on july 4th.

you will have to read the next installment of 'operation save my life' to find out what happened when i visited atlanta in june ...

kiss the mirror

(written on 11/27/07)

yeah yeah love yourself. but what happens in those moments (could be twilight or it could be dawn) when you want a hug from another human being who is not related to you. i was going through it yesterday.

i wanted physical contact with a non-relative! it was not sexual. i just be wanting a hug. a snuggle. a spoon. a rub. a squeeze. a kiss on the throat. doesn't even have to be the lips! no tongue! dry, soft, warm pressure on my skin is just fine.

but nowhere.

i am the only one here. i look in the mirror. i cry a little. i talk to myself. i start to hug myself. i pray. i ask God for the answers. i talk to my daughter and i kiss her cheeks.

i look in the mirror again. i just struggle through it. i write in my diary. i count my blessings that i DO have ... i take a hot shower and lather myself with love.

i struggle through it.

i look in the mirror one last time. and i kiss me. square on the lips.

somebody had to do it!