operation save my life -- phase 4: CHATTAHOOCHIE BRIDGE

I have arrived. I’m here. But my arrival at this destination is the beginning of another journey. Cuz there is no destination … there’s only more arriving and leaving … driving people to the train … and picking em up from the airport. Maybe I’ll call it operation … LIVE … nah no more titles for the chapters of my life … for now.

There is a bridge in Atlanta that you might miss if you’re speeding towards 285 because it’s not much of a bridge … can’t ever see the entrance and there are no cars on it … it’s a mythical place … named chattahoochie. I just like that name. it reminds me of magic and silliness and spirit. It reminds me of hoochie words that I like to use. It’s so southern, so far from Brooklyn … it reminds me how far I’ve come. And what I’ve come for. How I got to be here and the hoochie-ness of my soul.

i am here cuz I know I been driving a lot. I love to drive and see things that God made. Like that chattahoochie bridge. Or trees that my ex-mother-in-law calls boogar bears. Or clouds in the sky. I like to know I’m part of something larger as I’m headed out into the small-minded world. I never had that in Brooklyn. In NY you mostly transport yourself underground on the nasty train.

I know I’ve arrived cuz I got this new job where I stand on my feet and I never sit behind a desk. they started training me yesterday and i love it!!! My dreams are all coming true … in that weird way that God works … I had faith I could do this … and because it’s his will I am doing it. I’ma do it so good … I’ma have fat tips … pray for me, please.

I BELIEVED that if I arrived in Atlanta and I put my artistic work schedule in place that the script I was working on would finish itself. And what do you know … CHATTAHOOCHIE … it is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I do the hard part okay … I sit in front of the computer for a specific time for at least 5 days a week. And the magic comes … ideas strike me in the brain, my fingers push out words and dialogue I didn’t know was there. I am so thankful … this is a 4-year-prayer answered … here … and I know the destination is the journey. I am learning to divorce my labor from its fruits. The joy is in the process. In each day I create something new. Each day it’s not finished but it is its own finished creation. I have a long way to go but I’m trying not to focus on that. I know that my script will be more beautiful the more I love it everyday. And I’m not concerned with the end but with my daily tasks. Besides it’s god’s fruit … totally. I can only wonder that I’m his servant who he chose to write this.

I am watching my daughter unfold. I am focusing on each day we have … we no longer see each other EVERY day so I know I’m here … at this new place … and it’s hard but it’s for a good purpose and she needs to be with her other parents and family who love her in unique ways … so I’ve distilled time down to her essence …and I drink her in sips … and my daughter … I feel her flavors as they are growing and changing … and tickling me. My spirit is more at peace, I’m happier and she feels that too … in this new place … we are a little brand new. And falling in love with each other again every day.

I couldn’t be here driving and looking at the world from the highway if God hadn’t blessed me with a car … it’s all his money I play with anyway … he brings it and he taketh it away … he gave me the skills and body to work so I can always make more change … he blessed me with work ethic and drive … I don’t know jackshit about cars really except how they drive and if I like the way they feel so I prayed and I asked God to make possible what was good, right, and best for me …he led me to a dealer, and a car I liked arrived … so I love my car and I named her dimples.

all this to say that operation save my life is over and the living is still going on … I met all of my goals and MORE … than I ever imagined …my spirit is finally at ease … that godforsaken job is behind me, nyc is behind me … my art is percolating and the journey is fulfilling ery ery day. Here … looking at chattahoochie bridge.

fact check: chattahoochie is really spelled chattahoochee and it's also a river that runs through georgia, alabama, tennessee, and florida ... i think :)

sunday in savannah by nina simone

i think one of the only things that sets this blog apart is that i'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. to expose my weaknesses. to be self-deprecating and honest with my flaws.

the only thing that makes this journey real is that it's not linear. i have setbacks. i fall back ... i relapse. this aint just about the cigarettes.

a recent turn of events illuminated how much further i have to go in loving myself. not just the cigarettes! ;) umm in these moments when my faith and hope feel a little thin and fragile ... i pray and i meditate. i try to regulate my breathing, focus on my breathing ... for many reasons other than calming it distracts the mind and then it clears the mind ...

anyway what i definitely love about myself is that i am always seeking to love myself. i won't give up. i'm relentless in trying to express my faith in God in that way. i am relentless in my belief that God will always help me.

so even on days like these ... my most humble prayers for peace and acceptance are answered. and i'm thankful.

love wisdom

[in my journey to seek God, heal my spirit, and re-define LOVE etc. etc. there were many books that brought me to where i am today. all of the writings of don miguel ruiz for starters: the four agreements, the mastery of knowledge, the mastery of love, and beyond fear. i read them in that order ... the ideas build on each other ...

below is an excerpt from beyond fear ... i wanted to share what i believe and where you can find more wisdom about it ... and don miguel is the first to say: don't believe him ... but also don't believe yourself! intuit, research and marinate on what you think is truth.]

The Toltec View of Love

Jesus taught that love is the essence of silent knowledge. The Toltecs also knew that the closer we get to love, the closer we get to God. Love is the opposite of fear. Love is that fire that does not burn, that purifies everything it touches, whereas fear is the fire that burns and destroys everything it touches. It is so difficult to put the meaning of love into words. It is easier to speak of the characteristics of love. In this way, we will see that the characteristics of love and those of fear are exact opposites. We can imagine two tracks, one of love and one of fear. By comparing them, we can see which track we are on. Miguel teaches that pure love is composed of seven characteristics:

1. Love has no expectations
Fear is filled with expectations.

2. Love has no obligations.
Fear is full of obligations. When we act from obligation, our resistance makes us suffer. When we fail to act on our obligations, we feel guilty.

3. Love has respect, not only for others, but also for ourself.
Fear respects nothing, including itself. When I feel sorry for myself, I do not respect myself. When I feel sorry for you, I do not repsect you.

4. Love is patient.
Fear is impatient.

5. Love does not pity.
Fear is filled with pity, especially self-pity.

6. Love is detached.
Fear is filled with attachments and the dread of having to let go.

7. Love is kind.
Fear is too self-involved to be kind.

unrequited love don't quit

this picture is how i feel right now. looking off in the distance trying to have hope but failing. feeling resigned.

a lot of yall must think that i blog about love cuz i got some man or boyfriend tucked away at home. who rubs my feet at night and listens to my whining. who helps me bring groceries in the house. who takes me on long weekend trips. who interfaces with my mommy when i dont wanna talk. who strokes my back and tells me it'll be all right. nope.

maybe you think this young blogging girl is healthy and thick so she must have a stable of studs or a team of all-stars. one for friday. one for monday. and the dude who comes on wednesday who specializes in the backstroke. nah.

i have no romantic relationship.

why do i tell you this? cuz i dunno ... i found LOVE in other places.

i didn't always feel content to just be by myself. (don't get me wrong if i meet someone i really like it's on ...)

instead, i redefined what LOVE was for me. i aint salty that i have no man .... and i aint worried (all the time). of course, i am human and moments hit when i want etc etc but i already wrote a blog about that ... see the archives.

my point is that in the modern world ... in the majority of the world ... our idea of love is so small, so limited, so HUMAN ... i pushed myself to transcend those boundaries ... i forced myself to look at the LOVE i found in other places.

the love of my parents. the love of my daughter. the love of my wonderful friends. the love in the trees. the love in the sky. the love in those frozen crab cakes i pan sear at home. the love of fried green tomatoes with some goat cheese. the love i have for myself. you wanna hear what i love about ME? and this is a great excercise to do with yourself at home ... whenever ... just cuz or if you are feeling unloved and unworthy ...

what i love about myself list:
1. i am aware of GOD --- since i was little despite never attending church i was aware of a greater force in the world ... a spiritual entity ... that is ultimately benevolent. and when i was at my lowest i knew there was still a GOD to call upon - i just refused. see, if we believe GOD exists we will one day seek him even if we have been avoiding his kingdom all our lives. but if we don't think there is a God what will we seek?
2. my brain --- whether on drugs (joking ...) or frying an egg on the pavement i fucking love how my mind works. it is super slow when it comes to chemistry, mathematics, and building furniture. but it's super fast at reading people, reading books, finding the essence of information, and problem solving. it's also all the way out the box. i have yet to meet one person whose mind works like mine in that they see the things that i do.
3. my strength --- i aint even talking about how i was able to be a single mom, or relocate to atlanta, or do everything by myself. i am talking about confidence in my beliefs. i don't have to act on them to be strong. i don't have to shove them down the throats of others to be strong. i don't have to flex to show i'm strong. on the inside i am satisfied to simply do what i think is right. so what people say or think about me ... doesn't really control me. granted, i cared a lot more in junior high school but it was less than most of my peers. and it's always been that way. FUCK what the world thinks -- DO YOU! that's kinda how i operate. it was when i started judging myself through the eyes of others that i suffered severely.
4. my face and body --- i love my teeth are straight. i love my shape. i love being short. i love my toes, fingers and hands. they are pretty! i love my long haired eyebrows. i love my skin with its medium sized pores. i love my ears with their long lobes. i love my afro-chinois nose. i love my hair? not really - still working on that one. it's just too flat for me LOL. i love my stretch marks. i love my complexion? umm a lil too lite but it is what it is. i love my legs. i love my pointy chin.
5. my sense of humor --- whew! i love it! i can't even describe it ... and some people never get it.
6. my empathy --- i can feel others and i like being in tune with humans. i like being able to intuit what a person is going through. i can usually read a person so well i know if i want to trust them, if they are lying, if they are afraid, if they are jealous, and if they are insecure. this ability has saved me a lot of drama and heartache and it has also led me to wonderful experiences. i also love that i care about the world cuz it's what drives me to help make it a better place.
7. my artistic talent --- i love how i paint and write. we all have talents ... but they are all unique. i love my own particular brush stroke. it's intense. thick. heavy and strong. and my writing? i love how i put words together ... period.
8. my integrity --- i aint perfect by any means. i have broken promises ... sigh ... i have gone back on my word but for the most part ... i am what i say and i say what i am. i do the right thing most times. i don't cheat. i hate to lie except to people who hate the truth. and can't take it. i don't make excuses for myself. i always take accountability. i am usually the first to see where i was wrong. i don't play games. i don't put up facades. i don't take advantage of people - ever.


... that's enuff for today. i don't feel so much like the picture above anymore ... more like this pic to the right ... i feel like a little love muffin ... bursting with love cranberries ...

muah! go make a list for yourself! hug yo ass today!

** believe it or not i did not take these photos for this blog. already had em :)

phase 3 -- operation save my life: the unknown

i didn't know what would await me in atlanta in june. i BELIEVED that i could get work before i moved out there. i BELIEVED i could find an apt in five days ... i BELIEVED that the rental car would end up paying for itself (or i would end up being able to pay for it) ...

i could have made a better list of restuaurants and called them all ahead of time etc etc but i thought i was doing good by printing out the addresses ... i had asked "industry" people i knew what restaurants were hot and where i might find big tips ... i also did a blind search on the net ... i had 15-20 restaurants staked out ... i ended up visiting about 12 ...

people were telling me that this was a personality industry and i prayed it was true cuz all i really had going for me was ... personality ... see, you never met me but if you ever did ... or if i ever get this video blog off the ground ... you'll know what i'm talking about. so anyways, even if i do have a warm smile and bright eyes is that enough to get me a job???

yes.

from my first interview to my last i got great feedback. folks took time to talk to me. many told me to call back for an interview. one told me to return for an interview (never mind they weren't there when i came back - it's part of life.) and several told me to call them when i returned to atlanta for good.

once i stepped into the unknown i realized my dreams really were possible.

if we keep looking at the unknown from a distance we will never KNOW.

both my feet were plunged in and it was at the last interview where something CLICKED. i just felt right. i loved the look of the three-story, fancy pants, french-esque restaurant that was in the heart of midtown atlanta. the woman who interviewed me mentioned that someone was quitting in a few weeks and that my timing (GOD) was perfect. she said she could start me as a hostess and then i could possibly train as a waitress. she gave me her personal cell and i had a feeling the job was mine. i told her i would call her in two weeks when i was back in the A.

as for housing ... i was blessed with many options. friends had invited me stay with them. but i was reluctant to impose on anyone. so, i looked at a few apartments in certain neighborhoods but i felt overwhelmed by how huge the atlanta metro area was. the biggest blessing is that my daughter's grandmother - BD's mom - owned an apartment complex that was down the street from my daughter's new school. the unknown part is that i didn't know what the apartments looked like or if i would like them. i kinda knew that God had my back ... he had set something aside for me ... and he did.

the grace and mercy is that my daughter's grandmother was an angel who offered me flexiblity and love ... in a landlord.

bi-level 2BR townhomes with eat-in kitchens ... some other tenant left a washer/dryer behind ... we can move that in your apartment she said ... i wanted light cuz i paint ... i found a sunny unit with brand new carpeting ... good condition ... the area is transitioning ... used to be way hood but now it's only hood depending on who you talk to ... aint all that hood to me ... i hear birds chirping ... and crickets humping ... and sometimes just wind moving in between leaves ... oh, and it's in my price range ... i was sold!!!!

i flew back to nyc with contentment in my heart ... i had saved the money i needed, i had an apartment, and i was pretty sure i had a job ... i gave notice the next day!

of course, some folks had to warn me that a lot of restaurants promise girls they can become servers but they never come thru ... they just keep you as a hostess and wear you out ... this is true. i had already heard this. but this wasn't going to be my story (and if it was i had a plan B) cuz that thing in me that i've had since i was little went off in my brain: i write my own story and when i work hard and try my best things change/move/open and the impossible becomes possible ...

i also placed the job outcome all in God's hands. i didn't try to figure out with my intellect which job was better, sexier, etc. ... i let God do her thing ... and she did me right. i didn't worry or stress. that was my covenant. God knew he had my total trust and faith.

the woman from that fancy-pants french restaurant called me before i even got to atlanta. she called the day i was driving down - that's how anxious she was to hire me. when i got her message two days later (i had just arrived in atlanta and i was exhausted after driving for 20 hours) i called her right away. she asked me to come in for a second interview with her GM and other managers. i was there - early.

i was hired and started work the first week i had arrived in atlanta.

i never imagined it would happen just like this. that everything would fall into place. i mean i had FAITH but to witness it unfold before your very eyes ... is encouraging, heartening, and doubly inspiring.

love your dream. cuz God put it in you. and he will see you thru to the end of the rainbow.

phase 4 coming soon ... the picture is of a painting i have been working on for 7-8 years ... it's only one small reason why i moved - so i can finish it!

phase 2 -- operation save my life: the long hard winter

sometimes you just got to put your nose to the grindstone. and keep chugging. wake up everyday (late) round 7 am .... if lucky. take the baby to school. go to work. work at work (or not). pick the baby up. walk half a mile home in 7 year old legs. make/buy/fake some dinner. check baby's homework. tickle baby. give the baby a bath. put the baby to bed. take a shower. fall out.

wake up and do it all over again.

from december to july it was the hardest part of my plan: the sucking it up and being patient part.

in the little free time i had i looked up stuff about atlanta on the internet. i put all my furniture in storage. i prayed a lot ... i fell asleep around 10 pm a lot. i lived on credit when my salary couldn't cover all the bills. i humbled myself and allowed myself to accept gifts and assistance from my family and friends.

i still gave like i had money in the bank. i sent books to a lot of friends that winter ... i still had some ridiculously expensive work lunches. i did not worry and i did not stress about money or moving or getting a job or getting a car. i spoke with the Lord and i said "Lord, if you want me to do this and this is part of your plan for me then i know you will make a way. i will trust you to send me to the right restaurant. I will expect that you will provide me and my daughter with adequate housing. I will lean on your timing. i will have faith that what money is not here today will be there one day when i really truly need it. i will know i am going the right way because there will be little or no resistance to my plans."

i had a lot of folks to pay ... the fed hit me up for thousands, the price of oil made the price of heating gas skyrocket, back taxes popped up, the price of tea in china ... and despite all these unexpected expenditures i met my saving targets. i had more money in the bank than ... ever? i also had more credit card debt but ... i had accomplished a major goal. at many points during that winter i wasn't sure how or if i would save enough but i did my best and GOD did the rest.

i had never in my adult life been without a job except when i was in grad school. i wasn't worried but many around me were ... and at times the questions would hit me: what if it takes me two months to find a restaurant job? what if the fact that i have limited restaurant experience gets in the way? where are you going to live? what if baby daddy flips the script?

and i would answer myself: then, that means it's not to be and you will go look for a job somewhere else; and if worse comes to worse my generous friends have opened their homes to me; as for baby daddy i can only pray. but damn, did my brain sound braver than i felt. i still aint worry. what would be the point? i was as excited to FAIL as i was to SUCCEED. have you ever felt like that?

now that the hardest part of my plan is over ... i can't even remember what it was like to be cold that winter ... i am just glad i made it through.

and as winter melted into summer i made plans to visit atlanta on june 27th to scout out restaurants, find an apartment, and get the lay of the land. i gave notice at my job on july 4th.

you will have to read the next installment of 'operation save my life' to find out what happened when i visited atlanta in june ...

structural adjustment NOT the IMF: operation save my life

prologue: i traveled to brasil for my 30th birthday in october of 2007. i was so happy there i wanted it to last forever. one night my two homegirls and i laid under the night stars and watched them shoot across the sky. i don't know what them other two was thinkin bout but i was praying and dialoguing with the universe. i begged the night sky for a way to change my life. at that time - almost a year ago - i was unhappy at my job because i wanted to pursue other passions. i was miserable being a single mom and trying to maintain everything by myself. i was lonely in nyc with few friends and no social life. and i had come to intensely dislike dirty, stressful, crowded, loud new york city. when i returned from brasil i opened my mind. i thought way out of the box and i embraced sacrifice as i conceived the plan below. then i came to understand that when you are in love with your journey there is no sacrifice. it's all love. and love has its seasons. a season to sow, plant, and work hard. and a season to fall back and watch the blooms of your efforts crack through the earth all on their own. and some other seasons too.
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(written on 11/11/07)

fuck the IMF! uh i just kinda had to get that out. not very loving of me but hey, workin on it ...

this is about a more micro-personal SAP (structural adjustment plan). you know, i said in a previous blog that God gave me an idea of how i can change my life and get me FREE. here it is:

1) i'm moving. yep. packing it in. following my baby daddy across america so i can get three hours a day to paint and write. or more?

i am a painter. i don't just blog blog blog. i do portraits. naked people and faces. i think one day i'll sell my paintings for millions. poor folks will ALWAYS get a discount. i'd sell my painting for a dollar if you really were broke. but if you rich ... hand over the mill.

2) i'm leaving my current career field. it is education ... i love the kids! but i gotta do my art. i WILL come back to education once i get those millions. i plan to use the art to make the money (and make me happy why not) and then use the money to ... SAVE THE WORLD ... ok ok just CHANGE the world a lil bit.

so ... in the romantic version of this blog ... i'm driving off into the sunset to become a waitress. that's what artists do right? i can't WAIT to get from behind this desk. i'm kinda looking forward to being a waitress. cuz for one i LOVE food. and for two i LOVE helping people. and now i will be helping people to eat food that will make them happy. perfect. so what my feet will hurt.

3) i gotta go live with my mama ... for six months. nothing without a price. i love my mama don't get me wrong. but she still .... my mama ... i think this step in the plan speaks for itself. all you need to know is i'ma be a little stifled in close quarters with my daughter, my mom, and my daddy and i'ma be saving $mONEY$. i need money right now like i need water. can't get enough, might run out and die of thirst ... it makes me happy to just save money.

4) i'm giving up the goat. in other words: slowly going to cleanse my old belief systems and replace them with something enitrely, unconditionally loving.

5) i'm giving up shopping. yuck. this is related to the saving money shit. self-explanatory.

6) i'm giving up my expensive work lunches ....... this one made me shed a tear. i said i love to eat. i'm cooking more at home ........ the AGONY!

7) i'm thinking of ways to increase my income ... you might see me and donald trump making real estate deals one day. that is all i can divulge right now.

well, that's about it ... it requires an incredible amount of action items in a very short time period. but i'd like women and men to know you are never stuck. sometimes we gotta pray. marinate on the solutions. meditate on our deepest desires and blockages. get out of our own way. get down to the nitty gritty. and change yo life.

nah, i never been a waitress before.

what it do

this blog do what it do.

which means ... whatever feels like coming through me is gon come through me.

ahhh but the source will always be love. you don't have to believe me - just watch me. of course, this is our first blog together, so you don't really trust me yet. i just had to state the premise: LOVE.

and why love? oh, ya know, it's this new new shit i'm on.

i want to testify to the universe about my journey towards LOVE.

not a journey towards a boyfriend or a husband, mind you. i have neither. the journey towards loving myself and being totally, completely happy - every day.

i am still on the journey. i am still healing myself. but i like to share. i will be sharing my innards and my struggle towards joy. i believe (along with Paulo Coehlo) that joy is a conquest. that happiness is a choice (along with my pastor Reverend Anthony Trufant). that God loves me and lives inside me. and that love is real.

real love ... is where i have no expectations of you, blog reader. a space where i am not trying to control you, your mind, or your thoughts. it is a place where i do not have to receive anything from you in return. that's real love.

it might seem that some of my blogs are not directly about love ... and that's cool with me. if it aint cool with you well, that's cool with me too. that's the beauty of love --- forgiveness & acceptance. and what little i know of love right now is that expressing who i am and following my dreams and passions is a reflection of how much i love myself.

i love myself enough to let my poems, my writings, my scribble scrabble, my random thoughts flow right out of me.

i have not mastered love and do not claim to be any kind of expert ... well, you'll see.