phase one: operation save my life

(written on 12/8/07)

so, i moved in with the folks. there is only one word: stifling.

i wish i could take a picture of myself ... smoking cigarettes out of the window. the window looks out on a little umm alley and it's so cramped brooklyn quarters ... apartment buildings half a foot apart ya mean?

i wish i could turn into a bird and fly ... anywhere.

i wish i could find some money on the street ... and move ... anywhere.

i wish i could at least have room to pull my easel and my yoga mat out ... it's one at a time. no, i never did paint while doing yoga at the same time.

i wish my parents would smoke fags (british word for cigarettes that i love) with me!

my mom did do that shot of patron ....

they cool enough. i guess.

it just feels like day 5 of a prison term i already served ... in high school.

but i'm going to become (not there yet) an inspiration for all grown adults who live at home with their parents. i am actually thankful that i at least have a roof over my head. thankful that they ignore me smoking cigarettes out the window. thankful that i have a bed. thankful that i have heat. thankful that they have room enough for my daughter! that's a biggie ... and that she has a bed even though she has taken to sleeping on the floor ...

i am immersing myself in gratitude. cuz then i don't notice so much that i have become the unofficial dishwasher.

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this is the truth right here. for any male or female who cares about the skin on they face. i don't work for bliss. i aint no name brand whore. i consider this a public service. only tryna help yall out, show a little love ;) this exfoliator works magic.

kiss the mirror

(written on 11/27/07)

yeah yeah love yourself. but what happens in those moments (could be twilight or it could be dawn) when you want a hug from another human being who is not related to you. i was going through it yesterday.

i wanted physical contact with a non-relative! it was not sexual. i just be wanting a hug. a snuggle. a spoon. a rub. a squeeze. a kiss on the throat. doesn't even have to be the lips! no tongue! dry, soft, warm pressure on my skin is just fine.

but nowhere.

i am the only one here. i look in the mirror. i cry a little. i talk to myself. i start to hug myself. i pray. i ask God for the answers. i talk to my daughter and i kiss her cheeks.

i look in the mirror again. i just struggle through it. i write in my diary. i count my blessings that i DO have ... i take a hot shower and lather myself with love.

i struggle through it.

i look in the mirror one last time. and i kiss me. square on the lips.

somebody had to do it!

lost in translation: ludacris is politically here

ooooo i love it! more overt examples of hip hop's engagemnet in politics ...

i am sure some of you have heard about obama and ludacris ... ludacris made a song, "politics: obama is here," and obama denounced it blah blah ...

of course obama denounced it! hip hop is still villified ... he can't be associated with us clown ass negroes ... and i'm glad he knows it ... he knows how to play the game.

moving on: the song is hilarious and great! i just love hearing on my speakers "hillary hated so that bitch is irrelevant." YES! IRRELEVANT :) here's a clip of the song:



in the world of hip hop we all understand that ludacris did not in fact call hillary a bitch but referred to her using the pronoun, "bitch." now, the outside world and most presidential campaign managers will translate this song much differently (as they already have) ....

why do i love to hear this shit on my speakers? because it's art and opinion. it is not fact. i like to hear my experience expressed out loud and in public. i like to hear my world reflected in my speakers. it's also known as --- FREEDOM OF SPEECH. nothing more, nothing less.

you can read more and/or listen to an npr broadcast on this topic.

i can't wait for the fuckin REMIX bitches ..... ;0

structural adjustment NOT the IMF: operation save my life

prologue: i traveled to brasil for my 30th birthday in october of 2007. i was so happy there i wanted it to last forever. one night my two homegirls and i laid under the night stars and watched them shoot across the sky. i don't know what them other two was thinkin bout but i was praying and dialoguing with the universe. i begged the night sky for a way to change my life. at that time - almost a year ago - i was unhappy at my job because i wanted to pursue other passions. i was miserable being a single mom and trying to maintain everything by myself. i was lonely in nyc with few friends and no social life. and i had come to intensely dislike dirty, stressful, crowded, loud new york city. when i returned from brasil i opened my mind. i thought way out of the box and i embraced sacrifice as i conceived the plan below. then i came to understand that when you are in love with your journey there is no sacrifice. it's all love. and love has its seasons. a season to sow, plant, and work hard. and a season to fall back and watch the blooms of your efforts crack through the earth all on their own. and some other seasons too.
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(written on 11/11/07)

fuck the IMF! uh i just kinda had to get that out. not very loving of me but hey, workin on it ...

this is about a more micro-personal SAP (structural adjustment plan). you know, i said in a previous blog that God gave me an idea of how i can change my life and get me FREE. here it is:

1) i'm moving. yep. packing it in. following my baby daddy across america so i can get three hours a day to paint and write. or more?

i am a painter. i don't just blog blog blog. i do portraits. naked people and faces. i think one day i'll sell my paintings for millions. poor folks will ALWAYS get a discount. i'd sell my painting for a dollar if you really were broke. but if you rich ... hand over the mill.

2) i'm leaving my current career field. it is education ... i love the kids! but i gotta do my art. i WILL come back to education once i get those millions. i plan to use the art to make the money (and make me happy why not) and then use the money to ... SAVE THE WORLD ... ok ok just CHANGE the world a lil bit.

so ... in the romantic version of this blog ... i'm driving off into the sunset to become a waitress. that's what artists do right? i can't WAIT to get from behind this desk. i'm kinda looking forward to being a waitress. cuz for one i LOVE food. and for two i LOVE helping people. and now i will be helping people to eat food that will make them happy. perfect. so what my feet will hurt.

3) i gotta go live with my mama ... for six months. nothing without a price. i love my mama don't get me wrong. but she still .... my mama ... i think this step in the plan speaks for itself. all you need to know is i'ma be a little stifled in close quarters with my daughter, my mom, and my daddy and i'ma be saving $mONEY$. i need money right now like i need water. can't get enough, might run out and die of thirst ... it makes me happy to just save money.

4) i'm giving up the goat. in other words: slowly going to cleanse my old belief systems and replace them with something enitrely, unconditionally loving.

5) i'm giving up shopping. yuck. this is related to the saving money shit. self-explanatory.

6) i'm giving up my expensive work lunches ....... this one made me shed a tear. i said i love to eat. i'm cooking more at home ........ the AGONY!

7) i'm thinking of ways to increase my income ... you might see me and donald trump making real estate deals one day. that is all i can divulge right now.

well, that's about it ... it requires an incredible amount of action items in a very short time period. but i'd like women and men to know you are never stuck. sometimes we gotta pray. marinate on the solutions. meditate on our deepest desires and blockages. get out of our own way. get down to the nitty gritty. and change yo life.

nah, i never been a waitress before.

7 summer songs

a blogger friend of mine - ill mami - posted her seven summer songs of 08 and then she CHALLENGED me to do the same ... so the tape above plays the 7 songs that came to my mind when she said SuMMER (stop the page music and click on the tape and it will play or use the other player below)... here's the rundown:

1) august day song by bebel gilberto: duh --- AUGUST ... i also associate this whole genre of music (bassanova, brazillian modern pop jazz etc) with hot days ... samba, drums, brasil ... it's summer all year round there ya dig.

2) love come down by evelyn champagne king: what?! classic. it just makes me think of summer love ... in summer all love is possible. it also makes me think of summer house parties that happened before i was born.

3) planet rock by afrikaa bambaataa and the soulsonic force: breakin on cardboard was more of a summer activity ... it's too cold to be doin that shit in the winter in nyc. sooooo, this is ultimate summer hip hop to me ... it is the foundation for bootyshake which put daisy dukes on the map ... see how it's all connected? poppin- lockin-bootyshake-bootyshorts-and hot NY concrete in the summer ...

4) summer rain by carl thomas: another no-brainer. hot summer lovin in the steamin rain ... summer don't get no better.

5) suffering & smiling by fela kuti: this may just be me but when i think of summer i often think of african street festivals ... odunde in philly ... afrikan street festival in bed stuy ... where they put the lemonade in a tupperware container ... and the fried chicken wings or vegan tofu blah blah is erywhere ... summer is when we take a break from our slavery ... and this song is all about how to smile through your suffering. so summer.

6) mainstream by outkast: hear the water splashing? i designate this as a summer song cuz it reminds me of fishing. hot, hazy days by the river throwing a line out ... or on a boat in the middle of the bay with the sun blazing on your fishing hat ... the music and lyrics also make me think of swimming ... of course outkast and goodie m.o.b. are only talking about streams METAPHORICALLY ... but the track and the vibe is all SUMMER to me. never mind that the content is dope as well.

7) thin by the underwolves: this is an underground joint i learned about from dj rich medina many moons ago. but i love it and it is a summer classic. if you can't understand the lyrics what she's saying is "on this thi-i-i-in summer's day." if you wanna come by my way ... i immediately picture 'around the way' and being from brooklyn that means brownstone stoops when the block is hot ... and young teenage lovers walking each other home ... in the summertime.

still in transition: inter-dependent

ooo what has internet withdrawal shown me ... i'm an internet junky/hype/fiend ... me and the internet is co-dependent ...

but i love to be independent.

i don't like to ask nobody for shit. i don't rely on no one but myself. i built this motherfuckin island ... and i keep up the grounds on this shit ... no one else ... but damn if ...

i'm needy when it comes to the internet. i blog, bank, message, research, and play on the internet ... or that is ... i used to.

and i hate that. i think one day the internet is going to disappear so i refuse to be really truly dependent ... i'm just playing the game cuz it's all online these days ...

the internet is one of those things i hate to love ... and love to hate ... it's an illusion ... and yet, information is on there ... and information can save your life.

me and the internet is separated now ... but internet should be back in town in about a week ... till then please, baby, baby, please ... let me get on your line.

love is patient.