leavin brothers

sooooo who's disturbed that lehman and merrill lynch went under? lehman brothers was a 158 year old bank ... i kinda feel like entrenched power just took a major hit ... in 158 years what have any of the members of the lehman fam done to obliterate poverty? just asking ...

i am disturbed by this 'crisis' mainly because no real poor people are paying attention (i live around lots of poor folks and aint nobody talkin bout this trust me) ... i am disturbed that banks can get bailed out by the fed and no one notices or bats an eyelash ... i am disturbed that no fed agency is going to bail out the average homeowner and yet the WORLD's largest insurance company, AIG, is asking the fed for 'emergency funding' ... you know that funding is in the several billions don't you?

i am disturbed by the american people ... who are not connecting the dots ... not connecting g.w. bush to lenient financial regulation which caused this crisis ... not connecting federal bailouts to their income taxes ... not connecting the price of gas in lebanon to the price of coca cola in brasil and then connecting all of that to the diminishing quality of their 3rd grader's american education ...

hey ... maybe it's not connected ... but isn't it at least worth googling?? just a question ... cuz i loves you and i cares bout yall. and i'd hate to see the chaos in wall street personally connect with your wallet.

lastly, i am - as usual - disturbed by capitalism. it's an illusion. and this 'crisis' is what happens when fake money meets real people. do your research ...

you can read an assoc. press article on this matter as well.

irreversible

i say this with love in my heart - seriously - when i wonder out loud how white people view this zimbabwe issue. most white people i talk to about it immediately get morally righteous ... and they turn their noses down at mugabe and call him a monster ... he might indeed be a monster ... but as far as the land goes ... it didn't really belong to the white people ... not only that white people didn't turn their noses down when their ancestors stole it from afrikans and then passed it on to them ... uh my point is not about tit for tat. i am also not defending mugabe. i think mugabe did it for self-serving purposes and not for the common good of zimbabwe's people ... however, do i feel that white people have any moral ground to stand on when they act disappointed that their land got RE-stolen from them ... nah not one inch. sorry white folks. i guess your land can get stoled too. and here i am learning to love you despite the fact that you stole it from us. thereby teaching us how to steal it ... ah i won't continue. i just forgive white people for stealing and i forgive mugabe for stealing it back. and i pray a serious, afrikan leader gets raised up from the dust of zimbabwe who has also forgiven white people and mugabe. cuz if he aint then there will be more chaos and strife and death and decay ... but unlike court orders hate is not irreversible. hearts change ... we can transcend the hate and learn to love. all of us.

African leaders from right, South African President, Thabo Mbeki, Jakaya Kikwete, From Tanzania, Morgan Tsvangirai, new Prime Minster of Zimbabwe, King Mswati of Swaziland, Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwean President and Arthur Mutambara, new deputy prime minster of Zimbabwe at the signing of the power sharing deal ceremony in Harare Monday, Sept, 15, 2008. The signers pledged to make the deal work even as violence among rival supporters outside demonstrated the continuing bitterness and monumental challenges ahead. The deal describes the seizure of the farms as irreversible and say Britain should compensate those whose land was taken. (AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi) You can read the entire article here.

sunday in savannah by nina simone

i think one of the only things that sets this blog apart is that i'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. to expose my weaknesses. to be self-deprecating and honest with my flaws.

the only thing that makes this journey real is that it's not linear. i have setbacks. i fall back ... i relapse. this aint just about the cigarettes.

a recent turn of events illuminated how much further i have to go in loving myself. not just the cigarettes! ;) umm in these moments when my faith and hope feel a little thin and fragile ... i pray and i meditate. i try to regulate my breathing, focus on my breathing ... for many reasons other than calming it distracts the mind and then it clears the mind ...

anyway what i definitely love about myself is that i am always seeking to love myself. i won't give up. i'm relentless in trying to express my faith in God in that way. i am relentless in my belief that God will always help me.

so even on days like these ... my most humble prayers for peace and acceptance are answered. and i'm thankful.

reniggin

i think writing a blog about it jinxed me. sigh. i'm bout to go get some cigarettes. well, i do love myself but i also love cigarettes ... the best part of loving myself, i have found, is forgiving myself and accepting me for who i am. i am a person with an addiction ... i am a person who sometimes fails at quitting cigarettes ... i'll just try again another day ... or week ... at least i don't have all that guilt, judgement, and victimization to deal with ... i just love me no matter what.

day 6

yes. i gave up my cadillacs. i don't like to talk about it too much. cuz then i think about it. and then i want one and miss em ... but honestly, if i don't think about it i don't even notice. GOD is good. heck yeah i prayed! i understand that my enemy is stronger than my will. but as i was pondering my addiction and the nature of addiction in general i got to thinking that (as usual) the western world lied when they said there is one way to quit. maybe the western world didn't say that PER SE but there is a common pattern of western thinking that one size fits all ... one type of eduation, one kind of gym class, one kind of doctor ... what i mean is ... the fact that we don't tailor make clothes anymore ... the fact that we don't grow our own food ... the fact that a western yoga class doesn't take into consideration each individual's personhood ... it's all connected ... are you following me .... maybe not but this all led me to create the following list below ... i don't think this works for everyone's addictions (that was my original point) but i am sharing what worked for me ...

what helped ME to quit smoking:
1. staying away from people who smoke - stay away!
2. crashing my car - it was a sign! i shoulda never been in that chevron parking lot buying those contraband cigarettes
3. not thinking about it
4. going to bed early
5. replacing the habit with wine :) joke?
6. not going out to bars/clubs/social environments where there are lots of people who are drinking wine (or other liquors) and smoking AT THE SAME TIME
7. not talking about it
8. having a plan B: hypnosis
9. loving my daughter
10. loving myself -- i found that i smoked cuz i was bored ... it was a way to avoid being with myself sometimes ... i found that as the love for myself grew ... i am more engaged and entertained by my self without cigarettes ... cigarettes started getting in the way and my self made me choose ... cigarettes or me ...
11. prayer, prayer, prayer ... HE/SHE will change your heart and strengthen your resolve ... just ask ... and see what happens

THE END of smoking .... let's not talk about this ever again. it never happened. i never smoked.

are these real?

the war of art

i'm in it. to win it. it's why my blogs are short right now. i wake up and i work on other things. but this is the book (by steven pressfield) that taught me about the nature of making art to earn money ... and it taught me about the psychology of procrastination ... and once i understood my procrastinating soul i was able to master it. ok ok ok i am procrastinating right now so i have not MASTERED it. but this book gave me some tools to fight it. and one of the things the book realistically captures is the fact that it's a daily fight. the urge to run off and play and chuck the manuscript never leaves us. we wake up with the same dread and anxiety ... and we fight it. every. morning. so if there's a project, goal, calling ... you have been avoiding or just haven't been able to start ... this book is also for you. it's only like 90 pages and there's love, God, and angels in it. now, i'm going to start my work.