welcome to the party life

alone.

it's a single party. you the only one who got invited. you the only who came to dance.

you make a decision. and you are the only one to live with it.

you must breathe with it in your own body.

you must have faith ... that at the very least ... you simply did the right thing.

LOVe, me

what the world needs NOW!

you may wonder why i harp on this LOVE bizness so much ... sigh. well, i almost didn't write this blog. i almost let the lack of love i read in the newspaper, i see in my job, and i hear from our youth overwhelm me and take me down ... into a sinking black cloud of hopelessness.

where is the LOVE?!

so i read today ... that a vietnamese (not that it fucking matters) man in alabama tossed his four kids off of a bridge and sent them to their deaths ... the kids ages ranged from a few months old to 3 years ... they even showed a picture ... where is the love?

right beneath that little tidbit i read that the police arrested a woman (i am assuming she is white since they didn't mention ethnicity at all) because they discovered the dead bodies of four females in her house (?!!!) ranging in age from 5 years old to 18 ... where is the love?

i work with young people. this week ... one of my students is being put out of his aunt's house. his mama is in jail. his sister won't take him in. he has no job right now. he is about to be homeless. and he is in despair. no one wants to be homeless. he is 19 years old. where is the love?

my other student came in this week to tell me that she was raped. she is 20.

where is the love?

the great debaters ... no denzel

barack is no denzel washington. but uh he is just as cute. and he is a great public speaker. but he probly couldn't act his way out of a paper bag. then again ... these politicians are the BEST actors.

i watched the 'debate' on shit i forgot what day. not much of a debate ... more of a reality tv show in which a news anchorman asked some questions of the candidates. it's all a farce but it was kind of entertaining.

the farce part is that nothing in america really changes when the president changes. nothing. ever. since the beginning of america. that's cuz we live in a two-party prison. the two parties aint very different. and also the electoral college takes a lot of the democratic punch out of this so-called democracy. the senate and house of reps would need to change ... well, if we really wanted change.

i just can't stand hillary clinton. she backed the iraqi war cuz it was politically expedient. that's all i need to fucking know.

john edwards is looking like a radical ... and obama is looking all-american ...

what does it really mean?

things change very slooooooooooowly. but america is not what it used to be. and i think we can all sense that even if a woman or a black man does not become prez in '09 ... a change gon come.

and for a woman (me) who had no faith in america, humanity, white people, or the u.s. government this is encouraging news.

you should be (a little) encouraged too.

self-reflexive racism or vomit in my mouth

it comes back to haunt you.

treat a human like a dog. and the dog-who-used-to-be-human will bite you in the ass.

i am almost sick of talking about this shit. some people wanna argue racism don't exist. meanwhile i been living neck-deep in racist shit everyday of my life. i am certainly sick of living it. but since i got to live it; i got to tell it.

also, i'm an intelligent person .... and i'd like to be able to build a case (and i could if i set aside a few hours) for all you non-believers but as don miguel says, the truth stands. i will not make a case for racism. i have experienced and witnessed its truth. believe me or not.

and what i know to be true about it is this: when you are a victim of racism you come to hate the racist. i AM the dog who wants to bite some white people ass. i am JUST like a dog. the thought of hurting white people gets me PUMPED. i start salivating and sniffing in the air. i give out a little growl and then i lunge for the fucking jugular.

yo, white people, this is real talk. and given that racism has not gone anywhere we might try this new tactic in race relations: BEING HONEST. many a negro, descendant of a slave, and/or black person has FANTASIES about random violence against white people. some of us call these "slave-flashbacks" or "jim crow moments" or "colonial recollections." whatever the fuck you wanna call it ... there are emotional wounds from racism. past racism and current racism.

these emotional wounds actually just re-open and get more infected as we live our day to day lives. cuz AT LEAST ten times a day i am reminded of the world's racism. all i got to do is turn on the TV .... or go to work. or pick my daughter up at her busted public school for colored children. i get bitter bile in my mouth just writing this. i AM bitter.

but i don't want to stay that way.

see the irony of racism is that racists can't figure out why people hate them. white people think that only slave-owners perpetuate racism. but by denying racism you perpetuate it. cuz you just burying your head in the sand while the race war rages around your ass sticking in the air.

some racists don't understand that there are a lot of angry dogs out there. some of us are just angry about OLD shit but cuz the racists have never had to take accountability or serve at the hands of justice the emotional wound is as fresh as if slavery happened yesterday. because america just silently and stealthily meandered from slavery into this sloppy de facto apartheid colored people are PISSED THE FUCK OFF. see, we know. we KNOW!

even those black folks who act like they don't know. deep down they do know. and that's why they running to be white - they hate themselves. we know that america has treated colored people as if they were dogs. as if we were not human. we all know. so we hate.

and we burn. and we rage. and we take it out on ourselves. and we hate whitey. and most of all we come to hate ourselves. and this ....... is american history.

BUT BUT BUT ... you know i'm bout the love, you know i am working towards forgiving white people ... forgiving all racists ... i guess ... i know there is no ultimate reward in truly 'sticking it to the man' but i can't help but feel a little gloating satisfaction that we are still gonna do white people one better ... we gon show em we better ... and always have been ... because

we will forgive them. the ultimate expression of our true humanity.

i just need a little help from you, Jesus.

eat/PRAY/love by elizabeth gilbert: a book review?

aight ... the short review is: I LOVE THIS BOOK! GO BUY IT!

what else? where do i start??? many of you probly heard about this book ... it's pretty mainstream now ... lots of young white girls are reading it on NYC trains ... mid-aged white women too ... you can pick it up at any major book chain and read the back ........... i'm not going to give you a literary synopsis. i'ma tell you what i saw and felt in those pages.

first and foremost: GOD. that white lady was scared to write about God (she said it in the book) cuz she knew how her majority white audience, family, and friends would be put off by such direct talk. but she couldn't avoid it and neither can i. i think this white lady is going to make GOD cool again for white people. she is going to help white people find their lost spirit. is it lost collectively? kinda ... i'm not no expert (does the double negative imply that i really AM?) and i don't really wanna go too deep into it. BUT many (not all) white people are out of touch with their god-spirit. sure, they HAVE one but ......................... and honestly, the book affirmed for me that average white people do have a god-spirit (see future blog on more about the adverse effects of being a racist).

back to the book! so, this book has a lot of social relevance for our current times and a lot of spirituality. on a larger social level i believe this book signals a shift away from scientific method modernity towards non-fundamentalist spirituality. the GOD in this book loves all denominations and all religious affiliations. the God in this book has no doctrine or rules or book. i know i know the book has no book ... but i kinda like that play on words. and that is the future of religion.

the future (God willing) is the end of all this east/west bickering. the future foretells the end of this religious fighting. the future is in the common threads that link all religions together (those that are not demonic) ... which are simply that God is love and we should treat one another with love. once we recognize this we can all love each other no matter what the other believes. then we will be one people. one humanity. in my mind, one afrika (we all came from there anyway).

well, this book pushes us in that direction and i'm all for it.

i love this book on a personal level too. this woman has a real zest for life that i wish more people would embrace. i love how this woman understands that eating food (here i go again) is a sensual and spiritual experience. and this chick is funny. sarcastic and witty; she had me laughing out loud.

she also provides a practical plan for healing and self-discovery. yoga, meditation, and prayer cleansed her and patched her up. she goes IN DEPTH into how all of these actually apply to her life. she talks about how she had to fall on the bathroom floor and call for the lord. she talks about what God's voice sounds like in her ear. she talks about the actual physical and spiritual sensations one might feel in meditation. all in plain motherfuckin english.

lastly ... i am inspired by her story. it's a love story. she learned to love herself. she found inner peace. she is testifying to us all. i am listening and trying to learn because i'm headed in that direction.

see you in the future in love.

love in the time of bureaucracy

bureaucracy is the pillar of modernity. the motherfucking foundation upon which most of it is built. i won't go into the history (yet) but i will tell you about what happened this morning.

every morning i wake up ready to tackle the world. with love. to be nice to all people even in the face of evil ... to forgive small petty mean-ness ... to stay peaceful and project LOVE. that shit is hard.

i tried to log on to blogspot this morning to write you people and i couldn't remember my password ... long to short is i am STILL on hold with time warner cable's online department ... i have spoken with TWO customer service reps and gave them both the SAME information ... i am at work ... i am living my life ... so, no, i don't have time to spend HALF MY DAY simply retrieving a PASSWORD to an e-mail account i hardly use ..........

and yet, the soft tinkling of classical elevator music wafts around me as i write this. and when (after waiting 40 minutes) a HUMAN gets on the phone i have an attitude. i got a attitude cuz now i been on hold forever and this human works for a company that thinks it is ok to keep people on hold that long. (even though us customers pay over $100 month to wait on hold for 40 minutes) and i can't keep the irritation, frustration, and impatience out my motherfucking mouth. i think this treatment of customers is UNACCEPTABLE.

ah but where is the love?

it is not the customer reps fault that his company is a big bureacratic machine in which the right hand doesn't know what the left is doing. a bureaucratic machine that just keeps spinning and cycling people through without a care for their humanity.

did i mention i am still on hold? even now that i have written four paragraphs ...

i was a little rude to the service rep ... and i got a paper cut. i am working on breathing, taking a step back, and not taking out my anger on another human being who just wants to finish his or her workday.

but bureaucracy makes it hard. oh! they just picked up ... you want my name and address ... AGAIN?! see ... you keep making it hard to be nice and loving to you.

but love will prevail .............. because it's right and true. so, if you know what i'm talking about and you've had to deal with service reps and being on hold and the run around shuffle around department to department repeating your address like you were seven years old again and can't remember where you live ...... i commend you for keeping your cool and showing some love to humans who know not (or can't help) ... what a big bureaucratic mess they are part of.

campaign to the dead

i read that george clooney and don cheadle are campaigning for darfur.

i can only wonder ... who are they campaigning to??

i mean, are they trying to convince the UN - again - to do something ... or to do more than what they are currently doing. are they trying to win over the american public or the global public? and what will winning look like? are they trying to persuade us, the public, to move to the sudan or just donate a dollar or two? and to whom would they recommend we donate the dollars (euros would be better but that's another blog) ? to UNICEF or to the Red Cross because currently the dollars those two organizations have are doing so much all over the world? look how much they did after and during hurricane Katrina.

or are george and cheadle campaigning to G-7 governments ... the United Way ... really ... who?

the Gap maybe ...

or is the Gap now on board since they have pictures of diverse people supporting their RED campaign .. oh that is for a different african cause (cuz AIDS is now an african disease) ... i get confused by all the ummm campaigning ...

the phrase struck me cuz the word campaigning is a political term ... and is darfur a political issue? and is there really a political body to campaign to or for .......... or is it just a human issue?

i absolutely support some kind of action in darfur. i think what is going on there - genocide - is just as evil as the way powerful nations turn their cheek to it. it only further supports my belief that the WORLD is racist and self-serving. i think if we campaigned for the world to view all of its inhabitants as humans we might make more progress and darfur might even fix itself. cuz right now, as follows with the fundamental basis of racism, people do not feel that these african deaths are worth breaking ties with political allies (as they did in WWII) and this sudanese genocide is not worth jeopardizing international relations between the U.S. and "the Sudan." this small chaotic situation is not worth resolving at the so called cost of creating a larger global-terror chaos. maybe if we stopped prioritizing victims and chaos we could stop suffering.

why is sudan in quotes ... well, you find me one person in the refugee camps who voted for the current "leader" ... and i'll take the quotes off.

i aint mad at cheadle and clooney ... not at all. i am in fact quite proud that they care about more than their next movie. i am glad they are using their public personas to draw attention to an issue that no one is doing ENOUGH about.

but campaigning? maybe it's the bbc's choice of words ............................... that makes a fight against genocide sound like an elementary school blood drive.