pre-baby

it wasn't that i didn't believe in God.

i just thought he didn't believe in me.

this was around 2001-2004.

so, i don't want you to think i have been a pious, prayerful somebody all my life.

God saved my life and i'm not going into the details in this particular blog but that's what i consider the truth.

i think happiness and love are hard to achieve without some kind of faith ... i don't care if you call it God, yahweh, muhammed, or the wind ... but faith that our existence is meaningful, that there is an energy force greater than ourselves, that there is a positive direction to the universe ...

i used to think not ... so ... much. i doubted that 'things' would work out either for me or for others who were suffering.

that doubt left a little crack in the wall which left me vulnerable to dark and negative thoughts. doubt drove me to fear. and fear kept me miserable. and you know ... misery loves company. then before long all you can see is misery all around you in the faces of others you have made miserable.

i encourage you to examine your faith. do you have any? if no - what is standing there in its place?

again - no prosletyzing here, no conversion tactics ... believe in the wind, believe in good people and good wine, believe in your own powers and capabilities, believe in the god in you, believe in love.

just please have faith ... in something GOOD because it will carry you through all your days and it will be the pre-dawning of your future love and happiness.

can't forget zimbabwe

you know mugabe ... he's famous for kicking white people out of africa ...

he's trying to be president for life ... just a little violence to keep your political opponent on his toes ... sweet, sweet africa ... learn you some here

cuz we all connected whether we like it or not.

this is Tsvingirai who thought he would be president (cuz he won the elections) but sometimes elections don't mean much:

dust on thier cheeks

somalia is another hot spot ... no, not for vacation ... for war, hunger, starvation, displacement, refugee camps, terror, violence, rape, economic crisis, U.S. imperialism and probably a lot of thirst too ...

it's only getting worse (and we, as in america, helped to fuck it up more) ...

four-year-old Fatima walked with her family for two days to reach El Barde (to receive food):

(more) trouble in paradise

me, myself, personally never get tired of trying to understand the israel-palestine conflict. i do think it's a metaphor for something larger that i am also trying to understand (humanity). there is also something divine about that space and place which i hope to visit one day ... there is even something divine about israel and palestine ... is palestine the modern word for house of judah? i am reading the bible (it's long) so maybe i'm getting too biblo-technical or something like that ... some of you may not be familiar with judah ... i encourage you to research (i am not spoon-feeding you with a hyper-link this time ;)



all that long paragraph to say: there is more unrest and bloody terror as gaza has broken the most recent 'ceasefire' and now israel has shut the gaza border (again) ....

all that to say -- unlike the mainstream american media, i will not be ignoring pain and suffering in the world. i will be constantly reminding us ... there is much to be done in the world. much healing ... love could play a powerful role in the middle east. forgiveness being the key to peace. and compassion being the road to forgiveness. and love of self the doorway to compassion.

until then i'ma throw the blood and murder in ya face!

bitter plant ... or bitter root

the front page news in america today is all about the dude in the kentucky factory plant who went to work one morning and shot like four of his co-workers ... i think he may have then killed himself ... you can get the more accurate story here ...

i just highlight these goings on cuz ... it reminds us that many of us are sick and suffering ... that dude probably didn't love himself and could find no love in the world ... i feel for him, may he rest in peace, may god bless him and the other victims and their families.

more and more frequently there are stories like this ... i think there is a growing trend and right now it might not effect you ... but one day it could ... is that what it will take for us to start taking notice of each other's humanity?

5 to 30

(written in november of 2007)

i try to make everyday different.

i try to find the miracle(s) in every single day.

paulo coehlo's book, "by the river piedra i sat down and wept", taught me that.

maybe 'taught' is the wrong word. something in my spirit suspected that for many years. that there was something MORE to the days ... so affirmed is probably a more accurate word. that book affirmed that for me.

but this morning started to feel like the old days when it was one long day.

as i grew into an adult and had my daughter the days began to melt into one long day of obligation, duty, and responsibility. because as we become adults we are told by the outside world what responsibility must look like. and because i was afraid to look for a new paradigm of living.

today my daughter ... i am moving away from the term "made me feel bad" so i will say my daughter ... raised emotions in me that made me examine what i believe about myself as a mother.

i work on belief a lot.

belief is not as easy as it sounds. it is the foundation for love and healing but it is kind of hard to master. it is the first step in my journey. sometimes i rush past it only to end up looking it dead in the face again.....to discover - there is no rushing past the belief part.

do i believe i am a good mother? sometimes. and when i am venturing into territory where someone else "makes me feel bad" i must stop and be brutally honest with myself about what i am feeling exactly and why. i am very sensitive to criticism (even especially from myself) about being a good mother. i work every day to be more patient and loving with my little girl. i work on being a good mom. but my brain believes there is such thing as a perfect mom. so, i always fall short. i am tired of judging myself inadequate and then feeling bad.

i always try my best as a mother. and that will one day be enough for me. i cannot MAKE my daughter happy all the time. she can only make herself happy and i can support her in that effort. if she feels bad i start to feel bad or feel like i did something wrong. BUTT if i am trying my best then i should have nothing to feel bad about. even when i make mistakes.

so, i talk to myself. (talking to myself has proved a highly useful tool on the road to happiness by the way.) i tell myself: you are doing your best. i used to beat myself up for not knowing automatically that doing my best was good enough. i didn't even try to encourage myself. i would just get mad at myself for not feeling the way i SHOULD. i was too hard on myself. i am only a human formed by other humans. how can i expect myself to be perfect all the time or right away. now i am patient with my own self. i acknowledge to myself that i am learning, i am developing, and i am growing slowly like any other organic being. i never used to apply the concepts of behavioral change to myself: those kind of changes just take time.

it is not that they are impossible.

and one day ... i KNOW (the belief is strong for me in this area!) that i will not even need to have this conversation with myself.

so when i feel bad ... i tell myself ... i am a good mother. automatically. practice creates habit and habit builds belief. because it is a habit of a way of THINKING (and doing). and belief lives in the realm of the thoughts.

belief is not a sweater or a hat i can put on. it is a way of thinking about myself and my world.

i felt bad and weird this morning. i am doing my best --- i am a good mother. i am already feeling better.

putting obama to bed

let me just make this real clear:

obama is NOT the messiah.

obama is NOT the great black or white hype.

obama did NOT vote against that horrible, immoral, unethical, and unconstitutional FISA bill ...

obama did NOT go to jena, mississippi.

obama will NOT be doing rallies with sharpton in the streets (yet).

obama will NOT cure racism.

obama can NOT automatically end poverty.

obama will NOT end black-on-black murder in chicago, philadelphia, or houston.

obama will NOT obliterate the GOP.

obama will NOT scrub the capitol of corruption.

obama may NOT be able to necessarily pass universal health care through congress.

sorry.

as much as i personally love and support his candidacy i have never expected any of the above from the man.

(he IS only a man as in huMAN being.)

in the days and months to come i know many of you will struggle with the imposition of reality into obama's hopeful image ... i know many will be disappointed by what he didn't do, what he did say, who he had dinner with, and what he voted for ...

so i suggest, you lower your expectations NOW. i suggest you figure out what YOU CAN DO.

and then, go do it. with love and hope.

leave obama to do his thing ... actually, i think his greatest and this country's greatest achievement has been reached: DEMOCRATIC NOMINEE.

erythang else is just ... extra. like cake. like seconds. like icing. like french fries. like cheese. extra ....

and this is the last time i'll say this (maybe?) cuz i hate to explain the obvious. it is what it is. america is fucked up. it's going to take a lot more than one man. one president. to fix all our ills. to eradicate 'politics as usual' it's going to take more than a few speeches. it's going to take more than all the congresspeople in washington. it's going to take more than all the teachers in america. it's going to take more than just the parents of bad ass kids. it's going to take more than a billion dollars. it's going to take more than removing all the pedophiles and pervs. it's going to take more than a new foreign trade agreement. it's going to take more than a gang truce. it's going to take more than education. it's going to take more than prayer. it's going to take more than peace.

oh, i don't know it might take ... a whole lotta LOVE ...

so, put all that hype ... to bed. it's dead.

hope is alive. BELIEVE ... ... ... in YOURself.

put bam bam to bed, bed, bed. that man is tired right now ;)