operation save my life -- phase 4: CHATTAHOOCHIE BRIDGE

I have arrived. I’m here. But my arrival at this destination is the beginning of another journey. Cuz there is no destination … there’s only more arriving and leaving … driving people to the train … and picking em up from the airport. Maybe I’ll call it operation … LIVE … nah no more titles for the chapters of my life … for now.

There is a bridge in Atlanta that you might miss if you’re speeding towards 285 because it’s not much of a bridge … can’t ever see the entrance and there are no cars on it … it’s a mythical place … named chattahoochie. I just like that name. it reminds me of magic and silliness and spirit. It reminds me of hoochie words that I like to use. It’s so southern, so far from Brooklyn … it reminds me how far I’ve come. And what I’ve come for. How I got to be here and the hoochie-ness of my soul.

i am here cuz I know I been driving a lot. I love to drive and see things that God made. Like that chattahoochie bridge. Or trees that my ex-mother-in-law calls boogar bears. Or clouds in the sky. I like to know I’m part of something larger as I’m headed out into the small-minded world. I never had that in Brooklyn. In NY you mostly transport yourself underground on the nasty train.

I know I’ve arrived cuz I got this new job where I stand on my feet and I never sit behind a desk. they started training me yesterday and i love it!!! My dreams are all coming true … in that weird way that God works … I had faith I could do this … and because it’s his will I am doing it. I’ma do it so good … I’ma have fat tips … pray for me, please.

I BELIEVED that if I arrived in Atlanta and I put my artistic work schedule in place that the script I was working on would finish itself. And what do you know … CHATTAHOOCHIE … it is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I do the hard part okay … I sit in front of the computer for a specific time for at least 5 days a week. And the magic comes … ideas strike me in the brain, my fingers push out words and dialogue I didn’t know was there. I am so thankful … this is a 4-year-prayer answered … here … and I know the destination is the journey. I am learning to divorce my labor from its fruits. The joy is in the process. In each day I create something new. Each day it’s not finished but it is its own finished creation. I have a long way to go but I’m trying not to focus on that. I know that my script will be more beautiful the more I love it everyday. And I’m not concerned with the end but with my daily tasks. Besides it’s god’s fruit … totally. I can only wonder that I’m his servant who he chose to write this.

I am watching my daughter unfold. I am focusing on each day we have … we no longer see each other EVERY day so I know I’m here … at this new place … and it’s hard but it’s for a good purpose and she needs to be with her other parents and family who love her in unique ways … so I’ve distilled time down to her essence …and I drink her in sips … and my daughter … I feel her flavors as they are growing and changing … and tickling me. My spirit is more at peace, I’m happier and she feels that too … in this new place … we are a little brand new. And falling in love with each other again every day.

I couldn’t be here driving and looking at the world from the highway if God hadn’t blessed me with a car … it’s all his money I play with anyway … he brings it and he taketh it away … he gave me the skills and body to work so I can always make more change … he blessed me with work ethic and drive … I don’t know jackshit about cars really except how they drive and if I like the way they feel so I prayed and I asked God to make possible what was good, right, and best for me …he led me to a dealer, and a car I liked arrived … so I love my car and I named her dimples.

all this to say that operation save my life is over and the living is still going on … I met all of my goals and MORE … than I ever imagined …my spirit is finally at ease … that godforsaken job is behind me, nyc is behind me … my art is percolating and the journey is fulfilling ery ery day. Here … looking at chattahoochie bridge.

fact check: chattahoochie is really spelled chattahoochee and it's also a river that runs through georgia, alabama, tennessee, and florida ... i think :)

the war of art

i'm in it. to win it. it's why my blogs are short right now. i wake up and i work on other things. but this is the book (by steven pressfield) that taught me about the nature of making art to earn money ... and it taught me about the psychology of procrastination ... and once i understood my procrastinating soul i was able to master it. ok ok ok i am procrastinating right now so i have not MASTERED it. but this book gave me some tools to fight it. and one of the things the book realistically captures is the fact that it's a daily fight. the urge to run off and play and chuck the manuscript never leaves us. we wake up with the same dread and anxiety ... and we fight it. every. morning. so if there's a project, goal, calling ... you have been avoiding or just haven't been able to start ... this book is also for you. it's only like 90 pages and there's love, God, and angels in it. now, i'm going to start my work.

the kingdom

seen this movie?

kind of resembles america sucking its own dick. AT FIRST.

i mean ... i think its a movie that might could make people (more) pro-american, anti-moslem, anti-arab ... and MORE scared about islam and the middle east. that might not have been the intent but that is my analysis of what might be the outcome.

i must say that i do not believe in the american dream. i do not think it exists. i am not a patriot. i don't even call myself american. why must i say this? briefly, i wanted to share my worldview because it informs my opinion about this movie.

so, it's important (for the purposes of this blog) that i don't believe in the american dream. i feel no allegiance to americans JUST cuz they are american. i feel allegiance only to HUMANS because they are HUMANS. i think nations are mental constructs (see 'imagined communities' for more clarification) etc. etc. i did not have any gut reaction, empathy, or character identification issues with this movie.

BUT for a person who does believe in the dream of america they will be very sad at the beginning of the movie when an 'innocent' american gets killed. they will identify with the protagonist's urge to hunt down the muslim murderers and blow them up in turn.

so that is how the movie goes ... very unrealistic, super-smart and well trained FBI team enters saudi arabia in like two days without clearance ... befriends some muslims, hates others and finds the bad guys ... yay!

at the end of the movie it is revealed that the muslims and americans have something in common ... hatred (and lollipops). jamie foxx reveals that what helped jennifer garnet get over the death of her american friend is when he uttered the words "we'll kill them all." and then a little muslim boy reveals that what helped him get past his grandfather's death is when his grandfather uttered the words, "we'll kill them all."

i don't know what the moviemakers intentions were ... do they want to end the hatred or stir it up? my very HUMBLE opinion is that they were well intended. albeit the filmmakers could not escape their own favoritism towards america (which unintentionally clouds their message) and they could not escape their tendency to create movies along the vein of 'die hard' or 'rambo' but seeing past all that ..............

i interpret the film to say: if we do not stop the killing the killing will never stop. the deep message is: it is a cycle of revenge and violent retribution. no, i don't think that's that deep! but it's the truth.

and something you will hear me repeat a lot is: the truth is the truth. believe it or not. (and i got this from don miguel ruiz who i will discuss at length in the future). which only means you can disagree with the truth but truth stands the test of time.

ok so we know the truth -- revenge murders and bombings don't pay and only create more violence. what the film does not say is that what we are lacking is ......... FORGIVENESS. they are IMPLYING that someone will have to forgive someone first. that we will have to forgive each other for murdering our grandfathers, our cousins, our colleagues, our softball teammates, our people.

is this the only thing in the way of peace?????

yes. as i mature and try to become happy in my life i see this as the truth, yes. forgiveness is in the way of healing all people and communities who are in pain and in conflict with others and with themselves. forgiveness stands between israeli and palestinian. israeli and lebanese. kurd and turk. sunni and shiite. chinese and japanese. man and woman.

so the answer is simple.

but the WAY is hard. all you have to do is look in your own life. can you forgive your enemy? can you forgive your boss? can you forgive unpatriotic americans? can you forgive your rapist? can you forgive the pedophiliac catholic priest? can you forgive your mother? can you forgive your daddy? can you forgive your first love? can you forgive your sister?

you will have to answer that for yourself. and i will answer it for myself right here. no, not yet. there are still individuals in my life who have hurt the shit out of me who i need to forgive; but let's take a larger entity -- for the sake of this globally oriented blog -- like the american government. i find it exceedingly hard to forgive them. and yes, Love Johnson, cannot learn to LOVE them yet. i'm working on it! if i can't forgive my own government how can i expect iraqi people, iranian people, afghani people, saudi people, etc. to forgive the atrocities of the american government??

so the answer is simple: FORGIVE. the way is hard .... what do we do? how do we do it?

start small, start with one person, start the conversation with yourself. here's how a convo with myself goes: what is the worse that will happen if i forgive the american government? will i lose love for myself? uhhh no. will my family forsake me? nah probly the opposite. will i become a target of ridicule by black people, iraqi people, 'green' people ... ? maybe but do i care? (another convo!!) will republicans start calling me on the phone? they better not. will i not be able to critique the american government anymore? noooooooooooooo can't see that.

well i have started the convo. even though i still don't forgive america. but yes, i am working on it and ultimately that is my goal. to forgive america. to forgive white people (this is even harder). to forgive all oppressors (hardest). and still use my life and my gifts to fight (non-violently) for justice and peace and a true kingdom of heaven on earth.

the kingdom of heaven is a place where we forgive each other each trespass. and we leave it up to God (any high power you bank on) to prevent trespasses against us. cuz if i kill yo auntie and yo cuzzin for killing my cuzzin ... then they cuzzin is coming ... to trespass against me. and my little human form prevented nothing, changed nothing, and only perpetrated more hurt and pain.

will you start the conversation with yourself? who will you forgive today?