Thursday, September 18, 2008

the blog has moved ...

to the eastside ... wordpress ... i can't deal with blogger no more ... see me at: .... yeah

operation save my life -- phase 4: CHATTAHOOCHIE BRIDGE

I have arrived. I’m here. But my arrival at this destination is the beginning of another journey. Cuz there is no destination … there’s only more arriving and leaving … driving people to the train … and picking em up from the airport. Maybe I’ll call it operation … LIVE … nah no more titles for the chapters of my life … for now.

There is a bridge in Atlanta that you might miss if you’re speeding towards 285 because it’s not much of a bridge … can’t ever see the entrance and there are no cars on it … it’s a mythical place … named chattahoochie. I just like that name. it reminds me of magic and silliness and spirit. It reminds me of hoochie words that I like to use. It’s so southern, so far from Brooklyn … it reminds me how far I’ve come. And what I’ve come for. How I got to be here and the hoochie-ness of my soul.

i am here cuz I know I been driving a lot. I love to drive and see things that God made. Like that chattahoochie bridge. Or trees that my ex-mother-in-law calls boogar bears. Or clouds in the sky. I like to know I’m part of something larger as I’m headed out into the small-minded world. I never had that in Brooklyn. In NY you mostly transport yourself underground on the nasty train.

I know I’ve arrived cuz I got this new job where I stand on my feet and I never sit behind a desk. they started training me yesterday and i love it!!! My dreams are all coming true … in that weird way that God works … I had faith I could do this … and because it’s his will I am doing it. I’ma do it so good … I’ma have fat tips … pray for me, please.

I BELIEVED that if I arrived in Atlanta and I put my artistic work schedule in place that the script I was working on would finish itself. And what do you know … CHATTAHOOCHIE … it is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I do the hard part okay … I sit in front of the computer for a specific time for at least 5 days a week. And the magic comes … ideas strike me in the brain, my fingers push out words and dialogue I didn’t know was there. I am so thankful … this is a 4-year-prayer answered … here … and I know the destination is the journey. I am learning to divorce my labor from its fruits. The joy is in the process. In each day I create something new. Each day it’s not finished but it is its own finished creation. I have a long way to go but I’m trying not to focus on that. I know that my script will be more beautiful the more I love it everyday. And I’m not concerned with the end but with my daily tasks. Besides it’s god’s fruit … totally. I can only wonder that I’m his servant who he chose to write this.

I am watching my daughter unfold. I am focusing on each day we have … we no longer see each other EVERY day so I know I’m here … at this new place … and it’s hard but it’s for a good purpose and she needs to be with her other parents and family who love her in unique ways … so I’ve distilled time down to her essence …and I drink her in sips … and my daughter … I feel her flavors as they are growing and changing … and tickling me. My spirit is more at peace, I’m happier and she feels that too … in this new place … we are a little brand new. And falling in love with each other again every day.

I couldn’t be here driving and looking at the world from the highway if God hadn’t blessed me with a car … it’s all his money I play with anyway … he brings it and he taketh it away … he gave me the skills and body to work so I can always make more change … he blessed me with work ethic and drive … I don’t know jackshit about cars really except how they drive and if I like the way they feel so I prayed and I asked God to make possible what was good, right, and best for me …he led me to a dealer, and a car I liked arrived … so I love my car and I named her dimples.

all this to say that operation save my life is over and the living is still going on … I met all of my goals and MORE … than I ever imagined …my spirit is finally at ease … that godforsaken job is behind me, nyc is behind me … my art is percolating and the journey is fulfilling ery ery day. Here … looking at chattahoochie bridge.

fact check: chattahoochie is really spelled chattahoochee and it's also a river that runs through georgia, alabama, tennessee, and florida ... i think :)

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

predator versus alien 17: oprah v. sarah

1. Tuesday morning several newscasts reported that the Republican women in Florida are organizing an Oprah Winfrey boycott for declining the decision to have Sarah Palin on her show as a guest. (more evidence to support an earlier blog i wrote about oprah-obama blacklash)

2. deepak chopra writes about sarah palin: She is the reverse of Barack Obama, in essence his shadow, deriding his idealism and turning negativity into a cause for pride. In psychological terms the shadow is that part of the psyche that hides out of sight, countering our aspirations, virtue, and vision with qualities we are ashamed to face: anger, fear, revenge, violence, selfishness, and suspicion of "the other." For millions of Americans, Obama triggers those feelings, but they don't want to express them. He is calling for us to reach for our higher selves, and frankly, that stirs up hidden reactions of an unsavory kind.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

leavin brothers

sooooo who's disturbed that lehman and merrill lynch went under? lehman brothers was a 158 year old bank ... i kinda feel like entrenched power just took a major hit ... in 158 years what have any of the members of the lehman fam done to obliterate poverty? just asking ...

i am disturbed by this 'crisis' mainly because no real poor people are paying attention (i live around lots of poor folks and aint nobody talkin bout this trust me) ... i am disturbed that banks can get bailed out by the fed and no one notices or bats an eyelash ... i am disturbed that no fed agency is going to bail out the average homeowner and yet the WORLD's largest insurance company, AIG, is asking the fed for 'emergency funding' ... you know that funding is in the several billions don't you?

i am disturbed by the american people ... who are not connecting the dots ... not connecting g.w. bush to lenient financial regulation which caused this crisis ... not connecting federal bailouts to their income taxes ... not connecting the price of gas in lebanon to the price of coca cola in brasil and then connecting all of that to the diminishing quality of their 3rd grader's american education ...

hey ... maybe it's not connected ... but isn't it at least worth googling?? just a question ... cuz i loves you and i cares bout yall. and i'd hate to see the chaos in wall street personally connect with your wallet.

lastly, i am - as usual - disturbed by capitalism. it's an illusion. and this 'crisis' is what happens when fake money meets real people. do your research ...

you can read an assoc. press article on this matter as well.

Monday, September 15, 2008


i say this with love in my heart - seriously - when i wonder out loud how white people view this zimbabwe issue. most white people i talk to about it immediately get morally righteous ... and they turn their noses down at mugabe and call him a monster ... he might indeed be a monster ... but as far as the land goes ... it didn't really belong to the white people ... not only that white people didn't turn their noses down when their ancestors stole it from afrikans and then passed it on to them ... uh my point is not about tit for tat. i am also not defending mugabe. i think mugabe did it for self-serving purposes and not for the common good of zimbabwe's people ... however, do i feel that white people have any moral ground to stand on when they act disappointed that their land got RE-stolen from them ... nah not one inch. sorry white folks. i guess your land can get stoled too. and here i am learning to love you despite the fact that you stole it from us. thereby teaching us how to steal it ... ah i won't continue. i just forgive white people for stealing and i forgive mugabe for stealing it back. and i pray a serious, afrikan leader gets raised up from the dust of zimbabwe who has also forgiven white people and mugabe. cuz if he aint then there will be more chaos and strife and death and decay ... but unlike court orders hate is not irreversible. hearts change ... we can transcend the hate and learn to love. all of us.

African leaders from right, South African President, Thabo Mbeki, Jakaya Kikwete, From Tanzania, Morgan Tsvangirai, new Prime Minster of Zimbabwe, King Mswati of Swaziland, Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwean President and Arthur Mutambara, new deputy prime minster of Zimbabwe at the signing of the power sharing deal ceremony in Harare Monday, Sept, 15, 2008. The signers pledged to make the deal work even as violence among rival supporters outside demonstrated the continuing bitterness and monumental challenges ahead. The deal describes the seizure of the farms as irreversible and say Britain should compensate those whose land was taken. (AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi) You can read the entire article here.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

sunday in savannah by nina simone

i think one of the only things that sets this blog apart is that i'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. to expose my weaknesses. to be self-deprecating and honest with my flaws.

the only thing that makes this journey real is that it's not linear. i have setbacks. i fall back ... i relapse. this aint just about the cigarettes.

a recent turn of events illuminated how much further i have to go in loving myself. not just the cigarettes! ;) umm in these moments when my faith and hope feel a little thin and fragile ... i pray and i meditate. i try to regulate my breathing, focus on my breathing ... for many reasons other than calming it distracts the mind and then it clears the mind ...

anyway what i definitely love about myself is that i am always seeking to love myself. i won't give up. i'm relentless in trying to express my faith in God in that way. i am relentless in my belief that God will always help me.

so even on days like these ... my most humble prayers for peace and acceptance are answered. and i'm thankful.

Saturday, September 13, 2008


i think writing a blog about it jinxed me. sigh. i'm bout to go get some cigarettes. well, i do love myself but i also love cigarettes ... the best part of loving myself, i have found, is forgiving myself and accepting me for who i am. i am a person with an addiction ... i am a person who sometimes fails at quitting cigarettes ... i'll just try again another day ... or week ... at least i don't have all that guilt, judgement, and victimization to deal with ... i just love me no matter what.