the blog has moved ...

to the eastside ... wordpress ... i can't deal with blogger no more ... see me at: LOVEinOTHERplaces.com .... yeah

operation save my life -- phase 4: CHATTAHOOCHIE BRIDGE

I have arrived. I’m here. But my arrival at this destination is the beginning of another journey. Cuz there is no destination … there’s only more arriving and leaving … driving people to the train … and picking em up from the airport. Maybe I’ll call it operation … LIVE … nah no more titles for the chapters of my life … for now.

There is a bridge in Atlanta that you might miss if you’re speeding towards 285 because it’s not much of a bridge … can’t ever see the entrance and there are no cars on it … it’s a mythical place … named chattahoochie. I just like that name. it reminds me of magic and silliness and spirit. It reminds me of hoochie words that I like to use. It’s so southern, so far from Brooklyn … it reminds me how far I’ve come. And what I’ve come for. How I got to be here and the hoochie-ness of my soul.

i am here cuz I know I been driving a lot. I love to drive and see things that God made. Like that chattahoochie bridge. Or trees that my ex-mother-in-law calls boogar bears. Or clouds in the sky. I like to know I’m part of something larger as I’m headed out into the small-minded world. I never had that in Brooklyn. In NY you mostly transport yourself underground on the nasty train.

I know I’ve arrived cuz I got this new job where I stand on my feet and I never sit behind a desk. they started training me yesterday and i love it!!! My dreams are all coming true … in that weird way that God works … I had faith I could do this … and because it’s his will I am doing it. I’ma do it so good … I’ma have fat tips … pray for me, please.

I BELIEVED that if I arrived in Atlanta and I put my artistic work schedule in place that the script I was working on would finish itself. And what do you know … CHATTAHOOCHIE … it is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I do the hard part okay … I sit in front of the computer for a specific time for at least 5 days a week. And the magic comes … ideas strike me in the brain, my fingers push out words and dialogue I didn’t know was there. I am so thankful … this is a 4-year-prayer answered … here … and I know the destination is the journey. I am learning to divorce my labor from its fruits. The joy is in the process. In each day I create something new. Each day it’s not finished but it is its own finished creation. I have a long way to go but I’m trying not to focus on that. I know that my script will be more beautiful the more I love it everyday. And I’m not concerned with the end but with my daily tasks. Besides it’s god’s fruit … totally. I can only wonder that I’m his servant who he chose to write this.

I am watching my daughter unfold. I am focusing on each day we have … we no longer see each other EVERY day so I know I’m here … at this new place … and it’s hard but it’s for a good purpose and she needs to be with her other parents and family who love her in unique ways … so I’ve distilled time down to her essence …and I drink her in sips … and my daughter … I feel her flavors as they are growing and changing … and tickling me. My spirit is more at peace, I’m happier and she feels that too … in this new place … we are a little brand new. And falling in love with each other again every day.

I couldn’t be here driving and looking at the world from the highway if God hadn’t blessed me with a car … it’s all his money I play with anyway … he brings it and he taketh it away … he gave me the skills and body to work so I can always make more change … he blessed me with work ethic and drive … I don’t know jackshit about cars really except how they drive and if I like the way they feel so I prayed and I asked God to make possible what was good, right, and best for me …he led me to a dealer, and a car I liked arrived … so I love my car and I named her dimples.

all this to say that operation save my life is over and the living is still going on … I met all of my goals and MORE … than I ever imagined …my spirit is finally at ease … that godforsaken job is behind me, nyc is behind me … my art is percolating and the journey is fulfilling ery ery day. Here … looking at chattahoochie bridge.

fact check: chattahoochie is really spelled chattahoochee and it's also a river that runs through georgia, alabama, tennessee, and florida ... i think :)

predator versus alien 17: oprah v. sarah

1. Tuesday morning several newscasts reported that the Republican women in Florida are organizing an Oprah Winfrey boycott for declining the decision to have Sarah Palin on her show as a guest. (more evidence to support an earlier blog i wrote about oprah-obama blacklash)

2. deepak chopra writes about sarah palin: She is the reverse of Barack Obama, in essence his shadow, deriding his idealism and turning negativity into a cause for pride. In psychological terms the shadow is that part of the psyche that hides out of sight, countering our aspirations, virtue, and vision with qualities we are ashamed to face: anger, fear, revenge, violence, selfishness, and suspicion of "the other." For millions of Americans, Obama triggers those feelings, but they don't want to express them. He is calling for us to reach for our higher selves, and frankly, that stirs up hidden reactions of an unsavory kind.

leavin brothers

sooooo who's disturbed that lehman and merrill lynch went under? lehman brothers was a 158 year old bank ... i kinda feel like entrenched power just took a major hit ... in 158 years what have any of the members of the lehman fam done to obliterate poverty? just asking ...

i am disturbed by this 'crisis' mainly because no real poor people are paying attention (i live around lots of poor folks and aint nobody talkin bout this trust me) ... i am disturbed that banks can get bailed out by the fed and no one notices or bats an eyelash ... i am disturbed that no fed agency is going to bail out the average homeowner and yet the WORLD's largest insurance company, AIG, is asking the fed for 'emergency funding' ... you know that funding is in the several billions don't you?

i am disturbed by the american people ... who are not connecting the dots ... not connecting g.w. bush to lenient financial regulation which caused this crisis ... not connecting federal bailouts to their income taxes ... not connecting the price of gas in lebanon to the price of coca cola in brasil and then connecting all of that to the diminishing quality of their 3rd grader's american education ...

hey ... maybe it's not connected ... but isn't it at least worth googling?? just a question ... cuz i loves you and i cares bout yall. and i'd hate to see the chaos in wall street personally connect with your wallet.

lastly, i am - as usual - disturbed by capitalism. it's an illusion. and this 'crisis' is what happens when fake money meets real people. do your research ...

you can read an assoc. press article on this matter as well.

irreversible

i say this with love in my heart - seriously - when i wonder out loud how white people view this zimbabwe issue. most white people i talk to about it immediately get morally righteous ... and they turn their noses down at mugabe and call him a monster ... he might indeed be a monster ... but as far as the land goes ... it didn't really belong to the white people ... not only that white people didn't turn their noses down when their ancestors stole it from afrikans and then passed it on to them ... uh my point is not about tit for tat. i am also not defending mugabe. i think mugabe did it for self-serving purposes and not for the common good of zimbabwe's people ... however, do i feel that white people have any moral ground to stand on when they act disappointed that their land got RE-stolen from them ... nah not one inch. sorry white folks. i guess your land can get stoled too. and here i am learning to love you despite the fact that you stole it from us. thereby teaching us how to steal it ... ah i won't continue. i just forgive white people for stealing and i forgive mugabe for stealing it back. and i pray a serious, afrikan leader gets raised up from the dust of zimbabwe who has also forgiven white people and mugabe. cuz if he aint then there will be more chaos and strife and death and decay ... but unlike court orders hate is not irreversible. hearts change ... we can transcend the hate and learn to love. all of us.

African leaders from right, South African President, Thabo Mbeki, Jakaya Kikwete, From Tanzania, Morgan Tsvangirai, new Prime Minster of Zimbabwe, King Mswati of Swaziland, Robert Mugabe, Zimbabwean President and Arthur Mutambara, new deputy prime minster of Zimbabwe at the signing of the power sharing deal ceremony in Harare Monday, Sept, 15, 2008. The signers pledged to make the deal work even as violence among rival supporters outside demonstrated the continuing bitterness and monumental challenges ahead. The deal describes the seizure of the farms as irreversible and say Britain should compensate those whose land was taken. (AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi) You can read the entire article here.

sunday in savannah by nina simone

i think one of the only things that sets this blog apart is that i'm not afraid to make a fool of myself. to expose my weaknesses. to be self-deprecating and honest with my flaws.

the only thing that makes this journey real is that it's not linear. i have setbacks. i fall back ... i relapse. this aint just about the cigarettes.

a recent turn of events illuminated how much further i have to go in loving myself. not just the cigarettes! ;) umm in these moments when my faith and hope feel a little thin and fragile ... i pray and i meditate. i try to regulate my breathing, focus on my breathing ... for many reasons other than calming it distracts the mind and then it clears the mind ...

anyway what i definitely love about myself is that i am always seeking to love myself. i won't give up. i'm relentless in trying to express my faith in God in that way. i am relentless in my belief that God will always help me.

so even on days like these ... my most humble prayers for peace and acceptance are answered. and i'm thankful.

reniggin

i think writing a blog about it jinxed me. sigh. i'm bout to go get some cigarettes. well, i do love myself but i also love cigarettes ... the best part of loving myself, i have found, is forgiving myself and accepting me for who i am. i am a person with an addiction ... i am a person who sometimes fails at quitting cigarettes ... i'll just try again another day ... or week ... at least i don't have all that guilt, judgement, and victimization to deal with ... i just love me no matter what.

day 6

yes. i gave up my cadillacs. i don't like to talk about it too much. cuz then i think about it. and then i want one and miss em ... but honestly, if i don't think about it i don't even notice. GOD is good. heck yeah i prayed! i understand that my enemy is stronger than my will. but as i was pondering my addiction and the nature of addiction in general i got to thinking that (as usual) the western world lied when they said there is one way to quit. maybe the western world didn't say that PER SE but there is a common pattern of western thinking that one size fits all ... one type of eduation, one kind of gym class, one kind of doctor ... what i mean is ... the fact that we don't tailor make clothes anymore ... the fact that we don't grow our own food ... the fact that a western yoga class doesn't take into consideration each individual's personhood ... it's all connected ... are you following me .... maybe not but this all led me to create the following list below ... i don't think this works for everyone's addictions (that was my original point) but i am sharing what worked for me ...

what helped ME to quit smoking:
1. staying away from people who smoke - stay away!
2. crashing my car - it was a sign! i shoulda never been in that chevron parking lot buying those contraband cigarettes
3. not thinking about it
4. going to bed early
5. replacing the habit with wine :) joke?
6. not going out to bars/clubs/social environments where there are lots of people who are drinking wine (or other liquors) and smoking AT THE SAME TIME
7. not talking about it
8. having a plan B: hypnosis
9. loving my daughter
10. loving myself -- i found that i smoked cuz i was bored ... it was a way to avoid being with myself sometimes ... i found that as the love for myself grew ... i am more engaged and entertained by my self without cigarettes ... cigarettes started getting in the way and my self made me choose ... cigarettes or me ...
11. prayer, prayer, prayer ... HE/SHE will change your heart and strengthen your resolve ... just ask ... and see what happens

THE END of smoking .... let's not talk about this ever again. it never happened. i never smoked.

are these real?

the war of art

i'm in it. to win it. it's why my blogs are short right now. i wake up and i work on other things. but this is the book (by steven pressfield) that taught me about the nature of making art to earn money ... and it taught me about the psychology of procrastination ... and once i understood my procrastinating soul i was able to master it. ok ok ok i am procrastinating right now so i have not MASTERED it. but this book gave me some tools to fight it. and one of the things the book realistically captures is the fact that it's a daily fight. the urge to run off and play and chuck the manuscript never leaves us. we wake up with the same dread and anxiety ... and we fight it. every. morning. so if there's a project, goal, calling ... you have been avoiding or just haven't been able to start ... this book is also for you. it's only like 90 pages and there's love, God, and angels in it. now, i'm going to start my work.

pale in comparison

when comparing minorities palin just can't hold water against obama ... there's a story from the LA progressive that palin may have called obama 'SAMBO' ... i can't even be serious about racism anymore ... it's so old and tired ... i can only be sarcastic and facetious so all i can say is mcCain wasn't even smart enough not to get a potty-mouth VIP contender ... potty in her mouth ... yucky lady. should we revoke her minority card? sounds like that's what she wants ... she's not a minority ... she just a human republican (oxymoron?) who can get as racist as the best of em ... good to know miss sarah good to know.

now we payin fannie & freddie's bills too

in case you missed it ... us taxpayers who earn maybe $10 per hour (ok just me?) will be bailing out multi-billion dollar companies, fannie mae and freddie mac ... cuz nobody trusts their word that the loans they made to banks who used the money to lend to homebuyers will ever be re-paid ... or that's what they tell us ... is it coincidence that people who sit on the board of directors for fannie and freddie are second-cousins to g.w. bush? no.

but you are now confronted with a choice. you can find out what's really going on ... why are fannie and freddie so tied to our ENTIRE financial system? why do two companies control almost 50% of all u.s. mortgages? yes, i personally know the answer but ... do you? and now that it effects your pocket will you burry your ass in the sand and add fannie and freddie's bills to your own ... or will you inform yourself about what's really going on? cuz let me tell you ... us taxpayers outnumber congress. we outnumber fannie mae. if we refused to stand for this ... and acted collectively ... of course, something could be done. but what will you do now? ... keep surfing the web or sieze control of your destiny. it is a hard choice. and i love you no matter what but damn ... i'd really love ChANGE.

from cnn: Together, Fannie and Freddie own or guarantee more than half of the U.S. mortgage market - that's more than $5 trillion in loans.

Here's how they work: Banks loan money to home buyers. The banks then sell those mortgages - assuming they meet certain credit standards - to Fannie Mae or Freddie Mac.

But without an "explicit" guarantee from the U.S. government, the stock of both companies continued to drop, and major investors - including the central banks of Russia and China - started selling Fannie and Freddie bonds fast. That made it harder, and more expensive, for Fannie and Freddie to raise money.

That guarantee that investors wanted is now explicit. The U.S. government is now in the business of buying and reselling mortgages, and Paulson and his cohorts hope that sends the message that Fannie and Freddie are safe.

The bad news - taxpayers could get stuck with a $200 billion bill for the bailout.

from bbc:The federal takeover is one of the largest bail-outs in US history.

"Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac are so large and interwoven in our financial system that a failure of either of them would create great turmoil in financial markets here and around the globe."

from the springfield sun-times: "The bailout will give the mortgage industry a stability that we haven't had in a couple of years," said Rich Cosner, president of Prudential California Realty. "But frankly no, it won't help (struggling borrowers) to refinance."

stuff white people like the most ...

is selling their product. making that money. ;) just kidding ... kinda.

but you know that website that used to be dope -- stuff white people like ... i'm officially taking it off my blog list. cuz all the blogs have become about promoting the blog-turned-book. not that i'm mad at their shameless promoting cuz we all gotta eat. i just thought blogs about what white people liked were funnier.

i'm thinking ... if my blog ever became a book ... i would create a different website to sell it on. new, fresh, inspired blogs are advertising in and of themselves ... here's how it works: i'ma go to your blogsite to read more good ass blogs and while there i could click on a link to find out more about the book and the book signings and the TV appearances ... as it stands ...

stuff white people like ... is fucking up thier blog once they get a book deal.

love wisdom

[in my journey to seek God, heal my spirit, and re-define LOVE etc. etc. there were many books that brought me to where i am today. all of the writings of don miguel ruiz for starters: the four agreements, the mastery of knowledge, the mastery of love, and beyond fear. i read them in that order ... the ideas build on each other ...

below is an excerpt from beyond fear ... i wanted to share what i believe and where you can find more wisdom about it ... and don miguel is the first to say: don't believe him ... but also don't believe yourself! intuit, research and marinate on what you think is truth.]

The Toltec View of Love

Jesus taught that love is the essence of silent knowledge. The Toltecs also knew that the closer we get to love, the closer we get to God. Love is the opposite of fear. Love is that fire that does not burn, that purifies everything it touches, whereas fear is the fire that burns and destroys everything it touches. It is so difficult to put the meaning of love into words. It is easier to speak of the characteristics of love. In this way, we will see that the characteristics of love and those of fear are exact opposites. We can imagine two tracks, one of love and one of fear. By comparing them, we can see which track we are on. Miguel teaches that pure love is composed of seven characteristics:

1. Love has no expectations
Fear is filled with expectations.

2. Love has no obligations.
Fear is full of obligations. When we act from obligation, our resistance makes us suffer. When we fail to act on our obligations, we feel guilty.

3. Love has respect, not only for others, but also for ourself.
Fear respects nothing, including itself. When I feel sorry for myself, I do not respect myself. When I feel sorry for you, I do not repsect you.

4. Love is patient.
Fear is impatient.

5. Love does not pity.
Fear is filled with pity, especially self-pity.

6. Love is detached.
Fear is filled with attachments and the dread of having to let go.

7. Love is kind.
Fear is too self-involved to be kind.

unrequited love don't quit

this picture is how i feel right now. looking off in the distance trying to have hope but failing. feeling resigned.

a lot of yall must think that i blog about love cuz i got some man or boyfriend tucked away at home. who rubs my feet at night and listens to my whining. who helps me bring groceries in the house. who takes me on long weekend trips. who interfaces with my mommy when i dont wanna talk. who strokes my back and tells me it'll be all right. nope.

maybe you think this young blogging girl is healthy and thick so she must have a stable of studs or a team of all-stars. one for friday. one for monday. and the dude who comes on wednesday who specializes in the backstroke. nah.

i have no romantic relationship.

why do i tell you this? cuz i dunno ... i found LOVE in other places.

i didn't always feel content to just be by myself. (don't get me wrong if i meet someone i really like it's on ...)

instead, i redefined what LOVE was for me. i aint salty that i have no man .... and i aint worried (all the time). of course, i am human and moments hit when i want etc etc but i already wrote a blog about that ... see the archives.

my point is that in the modern world ... in the majority of the world ... our idea of love is so small, so limited, so HUMAN ... i pushed myself to transcend those boundaries ... i forced myself to look at the LOVE i found in other places.

the love of my parents. the love of my daughter. the love of my wonderful friends. the love in the trees. the love in the sky. the love in those frozen crab cakes i pan sear at home. the love of fried green tomatoes with some goat cheese. the love i have for myself. you wanna hear what i love about ME? and this is a great excercise to do with yourself at home ... whenever ... just cuz or if you are feeling unloved and unworthy ...

what i love about myself list:
1. i am aware of GOD --- since i was little despite never attending church i was aware of a greater force in the world ... a spiritual entity ... that is ultimately benevolent. and when i was at my lowest i knew there was still a GOD to call upon - i just refused. see, if we believe GOD exists we will one day seek him even if we have been avoiding his kingdom all our lives. but if we don't think there is a God what will we seek?
2. my brain --- whether on drugs (joking ...) or frying an egg on the pavement i fucking love how my mind works. it is super slow when it comes to chemistry, mathematics, and building furniture. but it's super fast at reading people, reading books, finding the essence of information, and problem solving. it's also all the way out the box. i have yet to meet one person whose mind works like mine in that they see the things that i do.
3. my strength --- i aint even talking about how i was able to be a single mom, or relocate to atlanta, or do everything by myself. i am talking about confidence in my beliefs. i don't have to act on them to be strong. i don't have to shove them down the throats of others to be strong. i don't have to flex to show i'm strong. on the inside i am satisfied to simply do what i think is right. so what people say or think about me ... doesn't really control me. granted, i cared a lot more in junior high school but it was less than most of my peers. and it's always been that way. FUCK what the world thinks -- DO YOU! that's kinda how i operate. it was when i started judging myself through the eyes of others that i suffered severely.
4. my face and body --- i love my teeth are straight. i love my shape. i love being short. i love my toes, fingers and hands. they are pretty! i love my long haired eyebrows. i love my skin with its medium sized pores. i love my ears with their long lobes. i love my afro-chinois nose. i love my hair? not really - still working on that one. it's just too flat for me LOL. i love my stretch marks. i love my complexion? umm a lil too lite but it is what it is. i love my legs. i love my pointy chin.
5. my sense of humor --- whew! i love it! i can't even describe it ... and some people never get it.
6. my empathy --- i can feel others and i like being in tune with humans. i like being able to intuit what a person is going through. i can usually read a person so well i know if i want to trust them, if they are lying, if they are afraid, if they are jealous, and if they are insecure. this ability has saved me a lot of drama and heartache and it has also led me to wonderful experiences. i also love that i care about the world cuz it's what drives me to help make it a better place.
7. my artistic talent --- i love how i paint and write. we all have talents ... but they are all unique. i love my own particular brush stroke. it's intense. thick. heavy and strong. and my writing? i love how i put words together ... period.
8. my integrity --- i aint perfect by any means. i have broken promises ... sigh ... i have gone back on my word but for the most part ... i am what i say and i say what i am. i do the right thing most times. i don't cheat. i hate to lie except to people who hate the truth. and can't take it. i don't make excuses for myself. i always take accountability. i am usually the first to see where i was wrong. i don't play games. i don't put up facades. i don't take advantage of people - ever.


... that's enuff for today. i don't feel so much like the picture above anymore ... more like this pic to the right ... i feel like a little love muffin ... bursting with love cranberries ...

muah! go make a list for yourself! hug yo ass today!

** believe it or not i did not take these photos for this blog. already had em :)

non-violence works

(my wonderful auntie shared this with me and the pics in the beginning really make this kinda moving ...)



random thoughts i had while watching this:

1. i know why black people don't fuck with dogs the way white people do
2. the pics of barack don't move me ... they shoulda kept it historical and just had one pic of him ... the drawing one with the word 'progress' woulda worked best
3. we still got a long way to go
4. BUT i sho am glad it aint 1963 (kinda ... i do have fantasies of being a black panther)
5. white people are tryna lose these old photos
6. LOVE can prevail ... if we live thru the struggle ... and injustice ... we will get to the other side ... (not the side where everything is perfect but the side we at now ... where we can breathe a lil bit more)

'merica

hurricane gustav ... made me have an epiphany ....

my new theory is that america is no longer america ... at least not the america that many people BRAND and MARKET her to be (o.k. she never was but it's real obvious now) ... you know that "dream" of america which does include the 'american dream' version as well as this notion that we are a 'first world,' highly developed, super-CIVILIZed, leader of the 'free-market' world... when they took countries out of the 3rd world and put them in the first world, when they took africa, india, and latin america and colonized them the excuse was that europeans were more CIVILIZED ... cuz of, you know, real important things like they wore long skirts and ties and they ate with forks ...


but all that to say america is no longer america ... we are now a bootleg version of our own illusion ... let me explain why i'm downgrading us to business class, to third world, to the bottom of the international pecking order ...

i first thought this cuz of gustav. i mean ... how civilized is it not to rebuild the levees in four years ... but then again the rest of new orleans has also yet to be rebuilt hmmm ... and 85% of the people aint back (not an exact percentage) ... and many refugees still live in trailers issued by the government that turned out to be toxic and cause cancer ... and what about FEMA in GENERAL -- ... a gov. body that is as corrupt as nigeria (NOT an insult to nigeria) ... and then i thought about how the folks would evacuate and gas stations would run out of gas (not very american) and ATMs would be out of money (not american at all)


and supermarkets would have no food or water (so unamerican) and the traffic out of NO would turn a 7 hour drive into 20 hours (kinda american) ...


then i thought .... has the 9/11 destruction been re-built ... no ... there are still craters in the earth and condemned buildings in the bowery ... there is still no 9/11 memorial ...

which led me to think about where our money is at ... oh, iraq ... so if a future disaster or terrorist attack hit ... that shit wouldn't get rebuilt either ...


and this got me thinking about our infrastructure as a whole ... education (is that infrastructure? not sure but it's pretty fucking important) is at an all time low ... kids i taught in philly didn't know what or where the u.s. capital city was ... no bullshit ... and umm the dollar is now valued at less than the euro almost twice as less huh ... our current president is g.w. bush ... and it was americans who voted for him ... health insurance - what's left of it - SUCKS ... jobs that ALWAYS carried health care no longer even offer it ... if they do offer it it's like the cost of college ... and oh that's rising too and gov grants for college are also dwindling ... banks are closing and homes are foreclosing ... is the american dream moving into an apartment?


i would move to cuba but there's a hurricane there. i would move to canada but it's too cold. venezuela and brasil are the last two left on my list ... and ghana is definitely an option ...

cuz as far as i'm concerned this country is now just called 'merica -- it's fourth-world and dropping fast ...(no, i don't believe we can rank worlds it's just cuz i know AMERICA takes their ranking quite seriously.) i told yall ... it's HARD for me to love america with all her pre-occupation with ranking, order, money, materialism ... she always forgets that a country is only as strong as its PEOPLE. and it's only the people that make it a nation.