2006 state of the world address

(i wrote this on monday, october 30, 2006 at 9:35 p.m. but sadly much of it still applies. this is the negativity in the world that fuels me to blog. this is the destruction, death, and mayhem which needs a lot of LOVE rubbed all over it. and this is more of why we still can't wait.)

chaos theory at the end of october 2006

what is the goal
of israel's fresh new raids on gaza?
israel seems to get no
closer to eradicating
hamas
why is the issue of muslim women wearing
veils even up for debate?
is this not the first tenet of western liberal democracy:
freedom of choice
but nobody seems to hear
the implicit euro-centricism and euro-supremacy
underlying the "veil" debate
and the linking of the anti-veil argument
to a false notion of UNIVERSAL
culture&common sense
sense is not common
cuz then someone would really
put a stop to darfur
instead of throwing all these
concerts and forming U.N.
commissions
and it's easy to ignore all the unrest
still unfolding in somalia
and their hints of war with ethiopia
because we've BEEN ignoring them
since the black hawk went down
but what really trips me out is
how robin thicke has so much soul
and how we get on the train everyday
with mllions of random people
but we can't talk
cuz in this modern society
my life has nothing
to do
with yours
right
i wonder when i wander
thru target why little dogs get more
accessories than
homeless people
and more attention
than starving people
these little fucking dogs are becoming
the opiate of the masses
karl marx is rolling in his grave
and sartre is saying
i told you so
i'm not impressed with kerry's comments
either but they are
slightly more important
than who or how madonna
adopts children
and ahhhhhh where are the whispers
about shutting down the concentration camp
commonly referred to
as GITMO
or -- for those who failed to see that great
tom cruise/jack nicholson collabo --
guantanamo bay
no, i cannot handle the truth
the truth about
the depths of human depravity
overwhelm me sometimes, Lord
the man who cut a two year
old clitoris off - his child's -
with a scissor
the three school shootings in
one week
russian women for sale all over
my e-mail account
bullets flying STILL in jamaica
and in queens
much closer to home the good Lord agrees
that i should weep
for my little brothers and sisters
who go to school EVERY DAY
late and without a bookbag
and play playstation and cards
and tag and kill the teacher
who don't know their own value
i even get discouraged by my
black bourgeousie &
RBG afro chic
naturalistic contingent
all the "talented" tenth
wasting their time
college education
and wasting a historical legacy
of freedom
fighters
and their hot breath
in be-moaning the death of hip hop
and the proliferation of the word nigga
i can't read the news anymore
cuz i know it's death
and destruction
i can't listen to world leaders anymore
cuz they keep saying the same
old thing upholding the same old status
quo

my heart is so heavy

but i'ma do my little part
plug away at my slice of the pie
keep carving my niche of like-minded individuals
cuz i also know
the revolution begins in my heart
and dies with each spirit
that gives up

more break your heart news ...

sigh ... i think mcCain has officially lost it ... he watched the DNC convention and he forgot he was in america ... and then he picked his running mate. 44-year-old female gov. of alaska ... who is this lady? mcCain looks like an ass for picking a running mate with no experience and all the credentials that don't matter: opposite sex, opposite age, opposite skin tone ... could they have been anymore obvious and CONTRIVED? go hip hop republicans! your mcCain picked a winner! LOL how can i learn to love mcCain ... i am finding it hard to find any compassion for him so i'ma pray on that.

and who is this sad and sorry looking guy? this is the marine who just got aquitted of murdering four iraqis in falluja, iraq. he did that shit. and justice in america remains missing in action. maybe it's in iraq? nah, probly not. i remember reading about these murders in 2007 ... he did that shit. they acquitted him cuz there wasn't enuff 'evidence' or so the bbc article says. and there wasn't enough evidence cuz two of his fellow marines refused to testify ... i find it hard to feel love for these particular marines ... but actually it's easier to forgive them than john mcCain. these young men enter combat situations and lose their minds. i can dig it. what's mcCain's excuse .... ahh wait a minute ... maybe he thinks he's still in combat ...

now i feel compassion for them. i almost forgive them. but my observations still hold. i still want justice. you can feel both at the same time.

standardly & 'loverly' barefoot: cassandra wilson's latest album

** this review was written for soulbounce.com but i aint sure it's posted there yet ...

Standard is not typical of Cassandra Wilson. In fact, her only typical trait is that she is atypical. Yet her latest release, “Loverly,” is filled primarily with renditions of standard jazz classics. Because convention is not her strong point (it’s been twenty years since she did an album like this) it’s no wonder that Wilson puts her foot into every standard on the album and rechannels old wine into new skin. Cassandra who is often described as ‘willful’ and ‘barefoot’ stayed true to those adjectives when she decided to rent a house in her home state of Mississipi, turn it into a recording studio, and lay down the album in a five-day recording session. The result of her efforts is a fresh, barefoot, eclectic, intuitive, unorthodox, and masterful classic jazz album.

Wilson’s vocal delivery is excellent as she tailors her voice and intonation to fit the essence and energy of each song. Cassandra eases into the first track, “Lover Come Back to Me,” in smooth, honey tones as she rides the swing of the beat and devolves into an almost-scat. The pianist, Jason Moran, tinkles so fast you feel like ivory teardrops are falling on top of each other and Nicholas Payton’s trumpet solo is even more searing than Cassandra’s voice. Cassandra and the trumpet play off of each other as she uses her tongue and mouth and teeth more as percussion instruments.

When Wilson croons about “lots of chocolate to eat … warm hands, warm feet” on the song which is also the album’s namesake, “Wouldn’t It Be Loverly,” she manages to sound both Nat-King-Cole-ole- school and with the help of the electric guitar’s presence modern and revitalizing at the same time. The band never hesitates, never stutters and consistently delivers in every genre: swing, blues, afro-latin, and everything in between that comprises this album.

The surprising and refreshing treat of the album is Cassandra and her band’s take on a classic that has been performed by Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett, “Gone With the Wind.” The use of the hand-drums, the electric guitar, the opening counter-rhythm, and the rolling piano come together to give this very, old song a brand new empowering feel. Cassandra’s humming transmits as strong a melodic message as her words. The irony of African drums on ‘Gone with the wind’ is also not lost on the listener.

Wilson introduces Mid-East influences to her Afro-Latin theme in her highly syncopated and jamming version of “Caravan.” Afro-Latin rhythms also permeate Cassandra’s rendition of “Til There Was You” giving this timeless song movement and heat which are counterbalanced by funky riffs from Marvin Sewell’s electric guitar. One of the few non-standard songs on the album, “Arere,” fully immerses itself in its Afro-Cuban tradition and provides a highly percussive, spiritual earthiness that grounds the album but maintains it’s jazz roots by way of the strong, forceful piano performance. Robert Wilson’s “Dust My Broom,” is wonderfully interpreted by Cassandra who channels all of her Jackson, Miss. roots to lay her blues on top of the original songwriter’s. “Spring Can Really Hang You Up the Most,” is an organic, futuristic vision of an old classic with it’s trembling acoustic guitar and Cassandra’s soft, raspy, billowy vocals pulling at your heartstrings.

This album is barefoot, in part, because the technical recording aspect is not formal, exact, or perfect. In Wilson’s intense and focused delivery of “The Very Thought of You,” there are some sounds of reverb and she drifts in and out of the mic clearly conveying the feel of a live recording. On other tracks improvised shouts and chatter can be heard. This album will make you feel as if Cassandra Wilson ran her standard jazz barefoot through deep southern grass and rolled its toes in the African blood soaked dirt.

i posted two of my favorite tracks for you to sample ...

why we still can't wait

example A: an article that appeared in the ny times was titled "Blacks Debate Civil Rights Risk in Obama’s Rise"and it was all about whether the symbol of Obama fools people (white and black alike) into thinking racism was over. now ... isn't there a saying that goes something like ... you can only fool a fool? america is full of fools.

example B: i wrote about this incident -- In March or April 2007, three noncommissioned United States Army officers, including a first sergeant, a platoon sergeant and a senior medic, killed four Iraqi prisoners with pistol shots to the head as the men stood handcuffed and blindfolded beside a Baghdad canal, two of the soldiers said in sworn statements. -- on a different blogsite when the american soldiers were just heading into court ... this is another good reason to vote for mcCain ... sike ... read about the outcome of the trial here.


MLK jr. wrote the book, "why we can't wait" ... i'm ready to get into some non-violent disobedience and some revolutionary LOVE acts ... we can't wait.

breaking news?

1. the olympics are over? hmmm i missed it. i heard a mexican won america a medal but that he wasn't a legal citizen. that about sums up the olympics for me ... i did see some diving and that's always hot ... how they do that shit. i love gymnastics but i missed that too.


2. michelle obama made a speech? lol missed that too! i have retired from the remainder of this presidential race. i mean ... i'm still loving how america is all lost in translation now that there is a black candidate but other than that ... i'ma vote for barack and ... i don't expect much else to change in amerikkka. oh, unless WE the PEOPLE become better human beings. the dnc convention is a dog and pony show. watch them wag the dog. either way michelle obama is the shit if for no other reason than her fits is super fashion forward ... and i heard she gave a bomb ass speech yesterday. google it yaself.

3. e-40 is the new savior of hip hop?! this is the worst news yet ... LOL ... i'm in my new car listening to the radio and shit and this song comes on ... the intro is all about how this song was going to give hip hop substance again and people think hip hop is dead and nobody aint rappin about nothing anymore ... except ... e-40. really? google that yourself too. the song really isn't worth listening to again.

4. andre benjamin has no new album coming out. but i wish he did and that it was all rap.

5. someone (a very good BROTHER LOL) put me on to this site: http://hiphoprepublican.com ... you already know where i'm going with this? WHO GIVES A FUCK IF YOU LISTEN TO HIP HOP AND YOU REPUBLICAN?? do you think that is like being a DOWN-ASS republican? or is it a synonym for COOL republican? does it cancel out the fact that you're a shit-for-brains republican? LOL i am jus playing ... but mcCain aint ... he will throw your hip hopper ass under the bus too. good luck with that and let me know how it works out!

5. it rained for three days straight in atlanta.

6. the sun came out! (then it rained again while the sun was out)


7. and i just realized michelle obama has the same kind of dimple on the side of her chin like me!

phase 3 -- operation save my life: the unknown

i didn't know what would await me in atlanta in june. i BELIEVED that i could get work before i moved out there. i BELIEVED i could find an apt in five days ... i BELIEVED that the rental car would end up paying for itself (or i would end up being able to pay for it) ...

i could have made a better list of restuaurants and called them all ahead of time etc etc but i thought i was doing good by printing out the addresses ... i had asked "industry" people i knew what restaurants were hot and where i might find big tips ... i also did a blind search on the net ... i had 15-20 restaurants staked out ... i ended up visiting about 12 ...

people were telling me that this was a personality industry and i prayed it was true cuz all i really had going for me was ... personality ... see, you never met me but if you ever did ... or if i ever get this video blog off the ground ... you'll know what i'm talking about. so anyways, even if i do have a warm smile and bright eyes is that enough to get me a job???

yes.

from my first interview to my last i got great feedback. folks took time to talk to me. many told me to call back for an interview. one told me to return for an interview (never mind they weren't there when i came back - it's part of life.) and several told me to call them when i returned to atlanta for good.

once i stepped into the unknown i realized my dreams really were possible.

if we keep looking at the unknown from a distance we will never KNOW.

both my feet were plunged in and it was at the last interview where something CLICKED. i just felt right. i loved the look of the three-story, fancy pants, french-esque restaurant that was in the heart of midtown atlanta. the woman who interviewed me mentioned that someone was quitting in a few weeks and that my timing (GOD) was perfect. she said she could start me as a hostess and then i could possibly train as a waitress. she gave me her personal cell and i had a feeling the job was mine. i told her i would call her in two weeks when i was back in the A.

as for housing ... i was blessed with many options. friends had invited me stay with them. but i was reluctant to impose on anyone. so, i looked at a few apartments in certain neighborhoods but i felt overwhelmed by how huge the atlanta metro area was. the biggest blessing is that my daughter's grandmother - BD's mom - owned an apartment complex that was down the street from my daughter's new school. the unknown part is that i didn't know what the apartments looked like or if i would like them. i kinda knew that God had my back ... he had set something aside for me ... and he did.

the grace and mercy is that my daughter's grandmother was an angel who offered me flexiblity and love ... in a landlord.

bi-level 2BR townhomes with eat-in kitchens ... some other tenant left a washer/dryer behind ... we can move that in your apartment she said ... i wanted light cuz i paint ... i found a sunny unit with brand new carpeting ... good condition ... the area is transitioning ... used to be way hood but now it's only hood depending on who you talk to ... aint all that hood to me ... i hear birds chirping ... and crickets humping ... and sometimes just wind moving in between leaves ... oh, and it's in my price range ... i was sold!!!!

i flew back to nyc with contentment in my heart ... i had saved the money i needed, i had an apartment, and i was pretty sure i had a job ... i gave notice the next day!

of course, some folks had to warn me that a lot of restaurants promise girls they can become servers but they never come thru ... they just keep you as a hostess and wear you out ... this is true. i had already heard this. but this wasn't going to be my story (and if it was i had a plan B) cuz that thing in me that i've had since i was little went off in my brain: i write my own story and when i work hard and try my best things change/move/open and the impossible becomes possible ...

i also placed the job outcome all in God's hands. i didn't try to figure out with my intellect which job was better, sexier, etc. ... i let God do her thing ... and she did me right. i didn't worry or stress. that was my covenant. God knew he had my total trust and faith.

the woman from that fancy-pants french restaurant called me before i even got to atlanta. she called the day i was driving down - that's how anxious she was to hire me. when i got her message two days later (i had just arrived in atlanta and i was exhausted after driving for 20 hours) i called her right away. she asked me to come in for a second interview with her GM and other managers. i was there - early.

i was hired and started work the first week i had arrived in atlanta.

i never imagined it would happen just like this. that everything would fall into place. i mean i had FAITH but to witness it unfold before your very eyes ... is encouraging, heartening, and doubly inspiring.

love your dream. cuz God put it in you. and he will see you thru to the end of the rainbow.

phase 4 coming soon ... the picture is of a painting i have been working on for 7-8 years ... it's only one small reason why i moved - so i can finish it!

counting the reasons

why i love bam bam ... cuz of stories like the one below ... i don't know that nigra from hole in the wall but in general i like people who call others out in a teasing manner ... it means he is not afraid of human to human contact ... he is not afraid to go off script ... unless this was scripted but i doubt it. got this story from a political blog at nytimes.com:

August 21, 2008, 8:08 pm
What Would Miss Manners Say?
By Katharine Q. Seelye
CHESAPEAKE, Va. — Cell phone etiquette may have sunk to a new low.
A man attending a town hall meeting here with Senator Barack Obama was yakking on his phone while Mr. Obama was speaking Thursday. Mr. Obama noticed him and called him out on it, so to speak.
“Now, this gentleman is on the phone,” a slightly amazed Mr. Obama told the crowd of a couple of thousand people seated attentively before him in a school gym. He had been talking about the economy but stopped. Gesturing to the man, Mr. Obama told him: “Get off the phone.”

The man said something inaudible, and Mr. Obama, who assumed the man was talking to his wife, replied: “Now you’ll really have something to tell her when you call her back.” Pause. “Oh, he says it wasn’t his wife,” Mr. Obama said, eliciting a big groan from the audience.
“That’s worse,” Mr. Obama said. “I hope your wife wasn’t watching on TV when you just said that.”
The candidate said he was just teasing and then carried on with his discussion.

baby bag mama

i was fascinated when i heard erykah badu might be pregnant for the third time by a different man. not for the usual reasons ... i don't judge that woman and i don't care how many kids she has ... i fuks with erykah (i guess mostly on a musical level) and i am equally fascinated by lauryn hill and her five kids ... but uh i really wanted to know more bout erykah cuz i wanted to know who her new BD (baby daddy) was and if he was cute ... so when i clicked on this site ... i wasn't ready to discover his real identity OR read what e. badu (as analogue girl) had to say to okayplayer.com ... she is livid bout all the gossip and judgement and speculation ... i thought i would let her voice be heard some mo ... in the pic is the the new BD -- jay electronica?? never heard of 'im ... but here's a link to a song he did featuring guess who ... but the real irony is ... do i hear a sample on that track from a song a different rapper who used to date erykah badu used on a previous album?! if i'm wrong leave a comment but that sounds a lot like ...

and then below is also what she had to say on the matter ... none of this could be true -- she could be very UNpregnant, this man in the pic could be her cuzzin, and she may not have really wrote this so don't be an ass and assume everything you read is true. and lastly in my humble opinion her new dude is not cute to me. dre is still reigning BD champ! but a TRUE word of advice to the haters: don't fuck wit nobody MAMA ..............

badu? words:
peace,
HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT THE QUEENDOM

…AND MY CHILDREN AND MY INTELLIGENCE.

ive never been so disgusted in all of my life .
there is no other place i used to enjoy more .
i post no where else .
you guys have taken an all time low , tho.

I’LL STATE MY PEACE

i am a great mother and care giver to my 2 children and to this world .
my children are 2 of the kindest and happiest people i have met.
I home schooled them and taught them the ways of good to the best of my ability.
i am their doctor and their nurse .
and even sometimes their mother and their father.

i am an excellent mother and resent all of the negative comments and insults on my character.
I PUT MUCH TIME AND THOUGHT INTO HAVING AND RAISING MY CHILDREN.
IVE HAD THE HONORS OF HAVING 2 HOME BIRTHS AND 2 WONDERFUL PARTNERS BY MY SIDE.

every relationship i have been in was because i loved the person DEARLY and was dedicated to us “exclusively” FOR A NUMBER OF YEARS.

the fathers of my children are my brothers and friends .
we have a great deal of respect for one another and always will.
WE LOVE OUR CHILDREN TO NO END.
we took our own “vows” and CONTINUE TO UPHOLD THEM.
AND THAT IS WHAT THAT IS .

question?
WHAT IS MARRIAGE ?
WHO IS THE JUDGE?
WE ONLY UNDERSTAND THE EXAMPLES WE ARE GIVEN ( well sort of)

WOULD IT “LOOK BETTER ” TO MARRY AND DIVIORCE AND MARRY AGAIN ?
WOULD THAT BE MORALLY CORRECT ?
WHATS THE DIFFERENCE ? the government’s involvement i guess.
IDEALLY , IT WOULD BE EXCELLENT TO FIND THE MAN OR WOMAN WHO FULFILLS YOUR SPIRIT AND STAY FOR EVER AND EVER ( thru sickness and health till death do us part ) AND HAVE HEALTHY STRONG CHILDREN AS A RESULT OF A HEALTHY AND STRONG UNION.
(this CAN happen … we need much training , however.)


OR

IS IT REALLY “GOOD” TO STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP WHERE BOTH PARTIES ARE UNFULFILLED , LONGING FOR RELIEF , BRINGING one another down as a result of improper training , creating BAD ENERGY AND EXPERIENCES FOR THE CHILD TO REPEAT ?
(not to mention breeding deceit and anger and resentment )
SEEMS TO CREATE FEARFUL CHILDREN WHO TURN INTO FEARFUL ADULTS .

HOW MANY OF YOU GREW UP IN 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE MISERABLE AS F$%K ?
OR 2 PARENT HOMES THAT WERE NOT PERFECT BUT WORKED?
HOW MANY GREW UP IN ONE PARENT HOMES WHERE THE MOTHER WORKED HARD TO MAKE SURE YOU WERE CARED FOR BUT SHE WASNT QUITE HAPPY?
HOW ABOUT A HOME WHERE THE FATHER WAS THE MAIN CARE GIVER AND DID THE BEST HE COULD -LACKING NURTURE?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE A SIBLING THAT HAS A DIFFERENT FATHER OR MOTHER?
DOES HE OR SHE MEAN LESS TO YOU?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAVE MORE THAN 1 MOTHER OR FATHER OF YOUR OWN CHILDren ?
HOW MANY OF YOU HAD /OR / ARE PARENTS RESPONSIBLE ENOUGH TO MAKE GOOD DECISIONS FOR YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN ,THAT DONT QUITE FIT ANY OF THESE DESCRIPTIONS?
HOW MANY OF YOU STAY IN UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS FOR FEAR OF GOING TO HELL?
HOW MANY [women] OUT THERE … THAT HAVE KIDS TO GET A PAYDAY?
HOW MANY PEOPLE GETTING THEY ASS KICKED AND ARE FORCED TO SUBMIT CAUSE YO MAMA GOT HER A%S KICKED?
THEN WHAT is CORRECT?

how about this:

I PRAY WITH MY CHILDREN
I FEED THEM GOOD FOOD
THEY RESPECT PEOPLES DIFFERENCES
THEY TRAVEL THE WORLD WITH ME
THE KNOW WHO THEY ARE
THEY ADORE THEIR FATHERS AND ARE LOVED BY 2 PARENTS OR MORE -
OR TWO OR MORE SETS OF LOVING GRANDPARENTS
THEY CRY
THEY GET HURT
THEY GET SICK
THEY HEAL

THEY ARE real

THEY ARE NOT AN IDEA or a TOPIC
AND NEITHER AM I .
I AM ALIVE .
I AM BEAUTIFUL WOMAN.
I AM A GOOD WOMAM.
I AM GROWING
I AM COMPLETE WITH OR WITHOUT A PARTNER AND WILL ALWAYS BE
AND I HAVE DREAMS OF A FAMILY STRUCTURE
ALL OF MY DREAMS DO NOT COME TRUE
AND DESPITE ALL OF THE PAIN IN MY LIFE …
IN MY MOTHERS LIFE …
IN MY GRANDMOTHERS LIFE
WE HAVE ALWAYS ENDURED
AND THERE IS SO MUCH JOY TO BE EXPERIENCED.
I NEVER HAD A FATHER AND I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT FEELS LIKE -
BUT MY CHILDREN DO , AND THEY LOVE THEIR ‘PARENTS’ .

WE ARE THEIR CHAMPIONS .

live how you want . follow which ever pattern YOU like .
MY CHILDREN WILL BE LEADERS
and they will not ever be slaves to this society’s failing idea of morality.
THEY OWN THEIR MINDS AND THEIR DREAMS.

BIRTH CONTROL lol … could have 10 babies instead of 2 .

I LOVE CHILDREN AND I WILL HAVE AS MANY AS GOD WILL GIVE ME .

I AM VERY HEALTHY AND RESPONSIBLE AND SO ARE ALL OF MY PARTNERS

I CHOSE THEM WISELY AND SOBERLY .

ALL GOOD BROTHERS .

your opinions lack experience and are not only careless but also very uninformed and immature.

nothing is sacred here . and i see why.

if i loose you as a fan because i want to continue to have children then
FUCK OFF… WHO NEEDS YOU ….CERTAINLY NOT ME … KICK ROCKS … CALL TYRONE … PACK LIGHT …. BITE ME

i have defended myself here ON THIS SITE and hurled a few insults .. but only in response to your insults of
my music , my clothes , my lyrics , my hair , my being a woman , my spirit, my choices of partners….
these have all been on trial here . and i continued to support the energy of this place .

this is to all the okay players / REAL HUMAN BEINGS hiding behind screen names in order to insult one another and who ever else you will.

geeeez…
i had to say something
i am so sad for parents who try , today guys
enough is enuf.

dont judge to quickly , OKAY PLAYER?

i know you are having fun , but what if it were you and your children?
my son is 10 .
my daughter, 4 .

peace

ANALOGUE GIRL

and if this post is not clear
kiss my placenta.

phase 2 -- operation save my life: the long hard winter

sometimes you just got to put your nose to the grindstone. and keep chugging. wake up everyday (late) round 7 am .... if lucky. take the baby to school. go to work. work at work (or not). pick the baby up. walk half a mile home in 7 year old legs. make/buy/fake some dinner. check baby's homework. tickle baby. give the baby a bath. put the baby to bed. take a shower. fall out.

wake up and do it all over again.

from december to july it was the hardest part of my plan: the sucking it up and being patient part.

in the little free time i had i looked up stuff about atlanta on the internet. i put all my furniture in storage. i prayed a lot ... i fell asleep around 10 pm a lot. i lived on credit when my salary couldn't cover all the bills. i humbled myself and allowed myself to accept gifts and assistance from my family and friends.

i still gave like i had money in the bank. i sent books to a lot of friends that winter ... i still had some ridiculously expensive work lunches. i did not worry and i did not stress about money or moving or getting a job or getting a car. i spoke with the Lord and i said "Lord, if you want me to do this and this is part of your plan for me then i know you will make a way. i will trust you to send me to the right restaurant. I will expect that you will provide me and my daughter with adequate housing. I will lean on your timing. i will have faith that what money is not here today will be there one day when i really truly need it. i will know i am going the right way because there will be little or no resistance to my plans."

i had a lot of folks to pay ... the fed hit me up for thousands, the price of oil made the price of heating gas skyrocket, back taxes popped up, the price of tea in china ... and despite all these unexpected expenditures i met my saving targets. i had more money in the bank than ... ever? i also had more credit card debt but ... i had accomplished a major goal. at many points during that winter i wasn't sure how or if i would save enough but i did my best and GOD did the rest.

i had never in my adult life been without a job except when i was in grad school. i wasn't worried but many around me were ... and at times the questions would hit me: what if it takes me two months to find a restaurant job? what if the fact that i have limited restaurant experience gets in the way? where are you going to live? what if baby daddy flips the script?

and i would answer myself: then, that means it's not to be and you will go look for a job somewhere else; and if worse comes to worse my generous friends have opened their homes to me; as for baby daddy i can only pray. but damn, did my brain sound braver than i felt. i still aint worry. what would be the point? i was as excited to FAIL as i was to SUCCEED. have you ever felt like that?

now that the hardest part of my plan is over ... i can't even remember what it was like to be cold that winter ... i am just glad i made it through.

and as winter melted into summer i made plans to visit atlanta on june 27th to scout out restaurants, find an apartment, and get the lay of the land. i gave notice at my job on july 4th.

you will have to read the next installment of 'operation save my life' to find out what happened when i visited atlanta in june ...

love sightings on august 20th of 2 thousand & 8

1) i got a hug from a coworker today. emphasis on the word coworker cuz they not a friend, they not family, we don't hang out outside of work for good reason, they are the closest thing to a stranger. BUTT that's the only grown up who has hugged me today. and in the past ... i diminished the power of random acts of kindness and love. today i treasure it and appreciate it.


2) my daughter kissed my toes ... i just got a pedicure - relax ... the point is ... it was sweet and tingly.

phase one: operation save my life

(written on 12/8/07)

so, i moved in with the folks. there is only one word: stifling.

i wish i could take a picture of myself ... smoking cigarettes out of the window. the window looks out on a little umm alley and it's so cramped brooklyn quarters ... apartment buildings half a foot apart ya mean?

i wish i could turn into a bird and fly ... anywhere.

i wish i could find some money on the street ... and move ... anywhere.

i wish i could at least have room to pull my easel and my yoga mat out ... it's one at a time. no, i never did paint while doing yoga at the same time.

i wish my parents would smoke fags (british word for cigarettes that i love) with me!

my mom did do that shot of patron ....

they cool enough. i guess.

it just feels like day 5 of a prison term i already served ... in high school.

but i'm going to become (not there yet) an inspiration for all grown adults who live at home with their parents. i am actually thankful that i at least have a roof over my head. thankful that they ignore me smoking cigarettes out the window. thankful that i have a bed. thankful that i have heat. thankful that they have room enough for my daughter! that's a biggie ... and that she has a bed even though she has taken to sleeping on the floor ...

i am immersing myself in gratitude. cuz then i don't notice so much that i have become the unofficial dishwasher.

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this is the truth right here. for any male or female who cares about the skin on they face. i don't work for bliss. i aint no name brand whore. i consider this a public service. only tryna help yall out, show a little love ;) this exfoliator works magic.

kiss the mirror

(written on 11/27/07)

yeah yeah love yourself. but what happens in those moments (could be twilight or it could be dawn) when you want a hug from another human being who is not related to you. i was going through it yesterday.

i wanted physical contact with a non-relative! it was not sexual. i just be wanting a hug. a snuggle. a spoon. a rub. a squeeze. a kiss on the throat. doesn't even have to be the lips! no tongue! dry, soft, warm pressure on my skin is just fine.

but nowhere.

i am the only one here. i look in the mirror. i cry a little. i talk to myself. i start to hug myself. i pray. i ask God for the answers. i talk to my daughter and i kiss her cheeks.

i look in the mirror again. i just struggle through it. i write in my diary. i count my blessings that i DO have ... i take a hot shower and lather myself with love.

i struggle through it.

i look in the mirror one last time. and i kiss me. square on the lips.

somebody had to do it!

lost in translation: ludacris is politically here

ooooo i love it! more overt examples of hip hop's engagemnet in politics ...

i am sure some of you have heard about obama and ludacris ... ludacris made a song, "politics: obama is here," and obama denounced it blah blah ...

of course obama denounced it! hip hop is still villified ... he can't be associated with us clown ass negroes ... and i'm glad he knows it ... he knows how to play the game.

moving on: the song is hilarious and great! i just love hearing on my speakers "hillary hated so that bitch is irrelevant." YES! IRRELEVANT :) here's a clip of the song:



in the world of hip hop we all understand that ludacris did not in fact call hillary a bitch but referred to her using the pronoun, "bitch." now, the outside world and most presidential campaign managers will translate this song much differently (as they already have) ....

why do i love to hear this shit on my speakers? because it's art and opinion. it is not fact. i like to hear my experience expressed out loud and in public. i like to hear my world reflected in my speakers. it's also known as --- FREEDOM OF SPEECH. nothing more, nothing less.

you can read more and/or listen to an npr broadcast on this topic.

i can't wait for the fuckin REMIX bitches ..... ;0

structural adjustment NOT the IMF: operation save my life

prologue: i traveled to brasil for my 30th birthday in october of 2007. i was so happy there i wanted it to last forever. one night my two homegirls and i laid under the night stars and watched them shoot across the sky. i don't know what them other two was thinkin bout but i was praying and dialoguing with the universe. i begged the night sky for a way to change my life. at that time - almost a year ago - i was unhappy at my job because i wanted to pursue other passions. i was miserable being a single mom and trying to maintain everything by myself. i was lonely in nyc with few friends and no social life. and i had come to intensely dislike dirty, stressful, crowded, loud new york city. when i returned from brasil i opened my mind. i thought way out of the box and i embraced sacrifice as i conceived the plan below. then i came to understand that when you are in love with your journey there is no sacrifice. it's all love. and love has its seasons. a season to sow, plant, and work hard. and a season to fall back and watch the blooms of your efforts crack through the earth all on their own. and some other seasons too.
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(written on 11/11/07)

fuck the IMF! uh i just kinda had to get that out. not very loving of me but hey, workin on it ...

this is about a more micro-personal SAP (structural adjustment plan). you know, i said in a previous blog that God gave me an idea of how i can change my life and get me FREE. here it is:

1) i'm moving. yep. packing it in. following my baby daddy across america so i can get three hours a day to paint and write. or more?

i am a painter. i don't just blog blog blog. i do portraits. naked people and faces. i think one day i'll sell my paintings for millions. poor folks will ALWAYS get a discount. i'd sell my painting for a dollar if you really were broke. but if you rich ... hand over the mill.

2) i'm leaving my current career field. it is education ... i love the kids! but i gotta do my art. i WILL come back to education once i get those millions. i plan to use the art to make the money (and make me happy why not) and then use the money to ... SAVE THE WORLD ... ok ok just CHANGE the world a lil bit.

so ... in the romantic version of this blog ... i'm driving off into the sunset to become a waitress. that's what artists do right? i can't WAIT to get from behind this desk. i'm kinda looking forward to being a waitress. cuz for one i LOVE food. and for two i LOVE helping people. and now i will be helping people to eat food that will make them happy. perfect. so what my feet will hurt.

3) i gotta go live with my mama ... for six months. nothing without a price. i love my mama don't get me wrong. but she still .... my mama ... i think this step in the plan speaks for itself. all you need to know is i'ma be a little stifled in close quarters with my daughter, my mom, and my daddy and i'ma be saving $mONEY$. i need money right now like i need water. can't get enough, might run out and die of thirst ... it makes me happy to just save money.

4) i'm giving up the goat. in other words: slowly going to cleanse my old belief systems and replace them with something enitrely, unconditionally loving.

5) i'm giving up shopping. yuck. this is related to the saving money shit. self-explanatory.

6) i'm giving up my expensive work lunches ....... this one made me shed a tear. i said i love to eat. i'm cooking more at home ........ the AGONY!

7) i'm thinking of ways to increase my income ... you might see me and donald trump making real estate deals one day. that is all i can divulge right now.

well, that's about it ... it requires an incredible amount of action items in a very short time period. but i'd like women and men to know you are never stuck. sometimes we gotta pray. marinate on the solutions. meditate on our deepest desires and blockages. get out of our own way. get down to the nitty gritty. and change yo life.

nah, i never been a waitress before.

7 summer songs

a blogger friend of mine - ill mami - posted her seven summer songs of 08 and then she CHALLENGED me to do the same ... so the tape above plays the 7 songs that came to my mind when she said SuMMER (stop the page music and click on the tape and it will play or use the other player below)... here's the rundown:

1) august day song by bebel gilberto: duh --- AUGUST ... i also associate this whole genre of music (bassanova, brazillian modern pop jazz etc) with hot days ... samba, drums, brasil ... it's summer all year round there ya dig.

2) love come down by evelyn champagne king: what?! classic. it just makes me think of summer love ... in summer all love is possible. it also makes me think of summer house parties that happened before i was born.

3) planet rock by afrikaa bambaataa and the soulsonic force: breakin on cardboard was more of a summer activity ... it's too cold to be doin that shit in the winter in nyc. sooooo, this is ultimate summer hip hop to me ... it is the foundation for bootyshake which put daisy dukes on the map ... see how it's all connected? poppin- lockin-bootyshake-bootyshorts-and hot NY concrete in the summer ...

4) summer rain by carl thomas: another no-brainer. hot summer lovin in the steamin rain ... summer don't get no better.

5) suffering & smiling by fela kuti: this may just be me but when i think of summer i often think of african street festivals ... odunde in philly ... afrikan street festival in bed stuy ... where they put the lemonade in a tupperware container ... and the fried chicken wings or vegan tofu blah blah is erywhere ... summer is when we take a break from our slavery ... and this song is all about how to smile through your suffering. so summer.

6) mainstream by outkast: hear the water splashing? i designate this as a summer song cuz it reminds me of fishing. hot, hazy days by the river throwing a line out ... or on a boat in the middle of the bay with the sun blazing on your fishing hat ... the music and lyrics also make me think of swimming ... of course outkast and goodie m.o.b. are only talking about streams METAPHORICALLY ... but the track and the vibe is all SUMMER to me. never mind that the content is dope as well.

7) thin by the underwolves: this is an underground joint i learned about from dj rich medina many moons ago. but i love it and it is a summer classic. if you can't understand the lyrics what she's saying is "on this thi-i-i-in summer's day." if you wanna come by my way ... i immediately picture 'around the way' and being from brooklyn that means brownstone stoops when the block is hot ... and young teenage lovers walking each other home ... in the summertime.

still in transition: inter-dependent

ooo what has internet withdrawal shown me ... i'm an internet junky/hype/fiend ... me and the internet is co-dependent ...

but i love to be independent.

i don't like to ask nobody for shit. i don't rely on no one but myself. i built this motherfuckin island ... and i keep up the grounds on this shit ... no one else ... but damn if ...

i'm needy when it comes to the internet. i blog, bank, message, research, and play on the internet ... or that is ... i used to.

and i hate that. i think one day the internet is going to disappear so i refuse to be really truly dependent ... i'm just playing the game cuz it's all online these days ...

the internet is one of those things i hate to love ... and love to hate ... it's an illusion ... and yet, information is on there ... and information can save your life.

me and the internet is separated now ... but internet should be back in town in about a week ... till then please, baby, baby, please ... let me get on your line.

love is patient.