operation save my life -- phase 4: CHATTAHOOCHIE BRIDGE

I have arrived. I’m here. But my arrival at this destination is the beginning of another journey. Cuz there is no destination … there’s only more arriving and leaving … driving people to the train … and picking em up from the airport. Maybe I’ll call it operation … LIVE … nah no more titles for the chapters of my life … for now.

There is a bridge in Atlanta that you might miss if you’re speeding towards 285 because it’s not much of a bridge … can’t ever see the entrance and there are no cars on it … it’s a mythical place … named chattahoochie. I just like that name. it reminds me of magic and silliness and spirit. It reminds me of hoochie words that I like to use. It’s so southern, so far from Brooklyn … it reminds me how far I’ve come. And what I’ve come for. How I got to be here and the hoochie-ness of my soul.

i am here cuz I know I been driving a lot. I love to drive and see things that God made. Like that chattahoochie bridge. Or trees that my ex-mother-in-law calls boogar bears. Or clouds in the sky. I like to know I’m part of something larger as I’m headed out into the small-minded world. I never had that in Brooklyn. In NY you mostly transport yourself underground on the nasty train.

I know I’ve arrived cuz I got this new job where I stand on my feet and I never sit behind a desk. they started training me yesterday and i love it!!! My dreams are all coming true … in that weird way that God works … I had faith I could do this … and because it’s his will I am doing it. I’ma do it so good … I’ma have fat tips … pray for me, please.

I BELIEVED that if I arrived in Atlanta and I put my artistic work schedule in place that the script I was working on would finish itself. And what do you know … CHATTAHOOCHIE … it is unfolding in front of my very eyes. I do the hard part okay … I sit in front of the computer for a specific time for at least 5 days a week. And the magic comes … ideas strike me in the brain, my fingers push out words and dialogue I didn’t know was there. I am so thankful … this is a 4-year-prayer answered … here … and I know the destination is the journey. I am learning to divorce my labor from its fruits. The joy is in the process. In each day I create something new. Each day it’s not finished but it is its own finished creation. I have a long way to go but I’m trying not to focus on that. I know that my script will be more beautiful the more I love it everyday. And I’m not concerned with the end but with my daily tasks. Besides it’s god’s fruit … totally. I can only wonder that I’m his servant who he chose to write this.

I am watching my daughter unfold. I am focusing on each day we have … we no longer see each other EVERY day so I know I’m here … at this new place … and it’s hard but it’s for a good purpose and she needs to be with her other parents and family who love her in unique ways … so I’ve distilled time down to her essence …and I drink her in sips … and my daughter … I feel her flavors as they are growing and changing … and tickling me. My spirit is more at peace, I’m happier and she feels that too … in this new place … we are a little brand new. And falling in love with each other again every day.

I couldn’t be here driving and looking at the world from the highway if God hadn’t blessed me with a car … it’s all his money I play with anyway … he brings it and he taketh it away … he gave me the skills and body to work so I can always make more change … he blessed me with work ethic and drive … I don’t know jackshit about cars really except how they drive and if I like the way they feel so I prayed and I asked God to make possible what was good, right, and best for me …he led me to a dealer, and a car I liked arrived … so I love my car and I named her dimples.

all this to say that operation save my life is over and the living is still going on … I met all of my goals and MORE … than I ever imagined …my spirit is finally at ease … that godforsaken job is behind me, nyc is behind me … my art is percolating and the journey is fulfilling ery ery day. Here … looking at chattahoochie bridge.

fact check: chattahoochie is really spelled chattahoochee and it's also a river that runs through georgia, alabama, tennessee, and florida ... i think :)

2006 state of the world address

(i wrote this on monday, october 30, 2006 at 9:35 p.m. but sadly much of it still applies. this is the negativity in the world that fuels me to blog. this is the destruction, death, and mayhem which needs a lot of LOVE rubbed all over it. and this is more of why we still can't wait.)

chaos theory at the end of october 2006

what is the goal
of israel's fresh new raids on gaza?
israel seems to get no
closer to eradicating
hamas
why is the issue of muslim women wearing
veils even up for debate?
is this not the first tenet of western liberal democracy:
freedom of choice
but nobody seems to hear
the implicit euro-centricism and euro-supremacy
underlying the "veil" debate
and the linking of the anti-veil argument
to a false notion of UNIVERSAL
culture&common sense
sense is not common
cuz then someone would really
put a stop to darfur
instead of throwing all these
concerts and forming U.N.
commissions
and it's easy to ignore all the unrest
still unfolding in somalia
and their hints of war with ethiopia
because we've BEEN ignoring them
since the black hawk went down
but what really trips me out is
how robin thicke has so much soul
and how we get on the train everyday
with mllions of random people
but we can't talk
cuz in this modern society
my life has nothing
to do
with yours
right
i wonder when i wander
thru target why little dogs get more
accessories than
homeless people
and more attention
than starving people
these little fucking dogs are becoming
the opiate of the masses
karl marx is rolling in his grave
and sartre is saying
i told you so
i'm not impressed with kerry's comments
either but they are
slightly more important
than who or how madonna
adopts children
and ahhhhhh where are the whispers
about shutting down the concentration camp
commonly referred to
as GITMO
or -- for those who failed to see that great
tom cruise/jack nicholson collabo --
guantanamo bay
no, i cannot handle the truth
the truth about
the depths of human depravity
overwhelm me sometimes, Lord
the man who cut a two year
old clitoris off - his child's -
with a scissor
the three school shootings in
one week
russian women for sale all over
my e-mail account
bullets flying STILL in jamaica
and in queens
much closer to home the good Lord agrees
that i should weep
for my little brothers and sisters
who go to school EVERY DAY
late and without a bookbag
and play playstation and cards
and tag and kill the teacher
who don't know their own value
i even get discouraged by my
black bourgeousie &
RBG afro chic
naturalistic contingent
all the "talented" tenth
wasting their time
college education
and wasting a historical legacy
of freedom
fighters
and their hot breath
in be-moaning the death of hip hop
and the proliferation of the word nigga
i can't read the news anymore
cuz i know it's death
and destruction
i can't listen to world leaders anymore
cuz they keep saying the same
old thing upholding the same old status
quo

my heart is so heavy

but i'ma do my little part
plug away at my slice of the pie
keep carving my niche of like-minded individuals
cuz i also know
the revolution begins in my heart
and dies with each spirit
that gives up

phase 2 -- operation save my life: the long hard winter

sometimes you just got to put your nose to the grindstone. and keep chugging. wake up everyday (late) round 7 am .... if lucky. take the baby to school. go to work. work at work (or not). pick the baby up. walk half a mile home in 7 year old legs. make/buy/fake some dinner. check baby's homework. tickle baby. give the baby a bath. put the baby to bed. take a shower. fall out.

wake up and do it all over again.

from december to july it was the hardest part of my plan: the sucking it up and being patient part.

in the little free time i had i looked up stuff about atlanta on the internet. i put all my furniture in storage. i prayed a lot ... i fell asleep around 10 pm a lot. i lived on credit when my salary couldn't cover all the bills. i humbled myself and allowed myself to accept gifts and assistance from my family and friends.

i still gave like i had money in the bank. i sent books to a lot of friends that winter ... i still had some ridiculously expensive work lunches. i did not worry and i did not stress about money or moving or getting a job or getting a car. i spoke with the Lord and i said "Lord, if you want me to do this and this is part of your plan for me then i know you will make a way. i will trust you to send me to the right restaurant. I will expect that you will provide me and my daughter with adequate housing. I will lean on your timing. i will have faith that what money is not here today will be there one day when i really truly need it. i will know i am going the right way because there will be little or no resistance to my plans."

i had a lot of folks to pay ... the fed hit me up for thousands, the price of oil made the price of heating gas skyrocket, back taxes popped up, the price of tea in china ... and despite all these unexpected expenditures i met my saving targets. i had more money in the bank than ... ever? i also had more credit card debt but ... i had accomplished a major goal. at many points during that winter i wasn't sure how or if i would save enough but i did my best and GOD did the rest.

i had never in my adult life been without a job except when i was in grad school. i wasn't worried but many around me were ... and at times the questions would hit me: what if it takes me two months to find a restaurant job? what if the fact that i have limited restaurant experience gets in the way? where are you going to live? what if baby daddy flips the script?

and i would answer myself: then, that means it's not to be and you will go look for a job somewhere else; and if worse comes to worse my generous friends have opened their homes to me; as for baby daddy i can only pray. but damn, did my brain sound braver than i felt. i still aint worry. what would be the point? i was as excited to FAIL as i was to SUCCEED. have you ever felt like that?

now that the hardest part of my plan is over ... i can't even remember what it was like to be cold that winter ... i am just glad i made it through.

and as winter melted into summer i made plans to visit atlanta on june 27th to scout out restaurants, find an apartment, and get the lay of the land. i gave notice at my job on july 4th.

you will have to read the next installment of 'operation save my life' to find out what happened when i visited atlanta in june ...

structural adjustment NOT the IMF: operation save my life

prologue: i traveled to brasil for my 30th birthday in october of 2007. i was so happy there i wanted it to last forever. one night my two homegirls and i laid under the night stars and watched them shoot across the sky. i don't know what them other two was thinkin bout but i was praying and dialoguing with the universe. i begged the night sky for a way to change my life. at that time - almost a year ago - i was unhappy at my job because i wanted to pursue other passions. i was miserable being a single mom and trying to maintain everything by myself. i was lonely in nyc with few friends and no social life. and i had come to intensely dislike dirty, stressful, crowded, loud new york city. when i returned from brasil i opened my mind. i thought way out of the box and i embraced sacrifice as i conceived the plan below. then i came to understand that when you are in love with your journey there is no sacrifice. it's all love. and love has its seasons. a season to sow, plant, and work hard. and a season to fall back and watch the blooms of your efforts crack through the earth all on their own. and some other seasons too.
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(written on 11/11/07)

fuck the IMF! uh i just kinda had to get that out. not very loving of me but hey, workin on it ...

this is about a more micro-personal SAP (structural adjustment plan). you know, i said in a previous blog that God gave me an idea of how i can change my life and get me FREE. here it is:

1) i'm moving. yep. packing it in. following my baby daddy across america so i can get three hours a day to paint and write. or more?

i am a painter. i don't just blog blog blog. i do portraits. naked people and faces. i think one day i'll sell my paintings for millions. poor folks will ALWAYS get a discount. i'd sell my painting for a dollar if you really were broke. but if you rich ... hand over the mill.

2) i'm leaving my current career field. it is education ... i love the kids! but i gotta do my art. i WILL come back to education once i get those millions. i plan to use the art to make the money (and make me happy why not) and then use the money to ... SAVE THE WORLD ... ok ok just CHANGE the world a lil bit.

so ... in the romantic version of this blog ... i'm driving off into the sunset to become a waitress. that's what artists do right? i can't WAIT to get from behind this desk. i'm kinda looking forward to being a waitress. cuz for one i LOVE food. and for two i LOVE helping people. and now i will be helping people to eat food that will make them happy. perfect. so what my feet will hurt.

3) i gotta go live with my mama ... for six months. nothing without a price. i love my mama don't get me wrong. but she still .... my mama ... i think this step in the plan speaks for itself. all you need to know is i'ma be a little stifled in close quarters with my daughter, my mom, and my daddy and i'ma be saving $mONEY$. i need money right now like i need water. can't get enough, might run out and die of thirst ... it makes me happy to just save money.

4) i'm giving up the goat. in other words: slowly going to cleanse my old belief systems and replace them with something enitrely, unconditionally loving.

5) i'm giving up shopping. yuck. this is related to the saving money shit. self-explanatory.

6) i'm giving up my expensive work lunches ....... this one made me shed a tear. i said i love to eat. i'm cooking more at home ........ the AGONY!

7) i'm thinking of ways to increase my income ... you might see me and donald trump making real estate deals one day. that is all i can divulge right now.

well, that's about it ... it requires an incredible amount of action items in a very short time period. but i'd like women and men to know you are never stuck. sometimes we gotta pray. marinate on the solutions. meditate on our deepest desires and blockages. get out of our own way. get down to the nitty gritty. and change yo life.

nah, i never been a waitress before.