5 to 30

(written in november of 2007)

i try to make everyday different.

i try to find the miracle(s) in every single day.

paulo coehlo's book, "by the river piedra i sat down and wept", taught me that.

maybe 'taught' is the wrong word. something in my spirit suspected that for many years. that there was something MORE to the days ... so affirmed is probably a more accurate word. that book affirmed that for me.

but this morning started to feel like the old days when it was one long day.

as i grew into an adult and had my daughter the days began to melt into one long day of obligation, duty, and responsibility. because as we become adults we are told by the outside world what responsibility must look like. and because i was afraid to look for a new paradigm of living.

today my daughter ... i am moving away from the term "made me feel bad" so i will say my daughter ... raised emotions in me that made me examine what i believe about myself as a mother.

i work on belief a lot.

belief is not as easy as it sounds. it is the foundation for love and healing but it is kind of hard to master. it is the first step in my journey. sometimes i rush past it only to end up looking it dead in the face again.....to discover - there is no rushing past the belief part.

do i believe i am a good mother? sometimes. and when i am venturing into territory where someone else "makes me feel bad" i must stop and be brutally honest with myself about what i am feeling exactly and why. i am very sensitive to criticism (even especially from myself) about being a good mother. i work every day to be more patient and loving with my little girl. i work on being a good mom. but my brain believes there is such thing as a perfect mom. so, i always fall short. i am tired of judging myself inadequate and then feeling bad.

i always try my best as a mother. and that will one day be enough for me. i cannot MAKE my daughter happy all the time. she can only make herself happy and i can support her in that effort. if she feels bad i start to feel bad or feel like i did something wrong. BUTT if i am trying my best then i should have nothing to feel bad about. even when i make mistakes.

so, i talk to myself. (talking to myself has proved a highly useful tool on the road to happiness by the way.) i tell myself: you are doing your best. i used to beat myself up for not knowing automatically that doing my best was good enough. i didn't even try to encourage myself. i would just get mad at myself for not feeling the way i SHOULD. i was too hard on myself. i am only a human formed by other humans. how can i expect myself to be perfect all the time or right away. now i am patient with my own self. i acknowledge to myself that i am learning, i am developing, and i am growing slowly like any other organic being. i never used to apply the concepts of behavioral change to myself: those kind of changes just take time.

it is not that they are impossible.

and one day ... i KNOW (the belief is strong for me in this area!) that i will not even need to have this conversation with myself.

so when i feel bad ... i tell myself ... i am a good mother. automatically. practice creates habit and habit builds belief. because it is a habit of a way of THINKING (and doing). and belief lives in the realm of the thoughts.

belief is not a sweater or a hat i can put on. it is a way of thinking about myself and my world.

i felt bad and weird this morning. i am doing my best --- i am a good mother. i am already feeling better.