unrequited love don't quit

this picture is how i feel right now. looking off in the distance trying to have hope but failing. feeling resigned.

a lot of yall must think that i blog about love cuz i got some man or boyfriend tucked away at home. who rubs my feet at night and listens to my whining. who helps me bring groceries in the house. who takes me on long weekend trips. who interfaces with my mommy when i dont wanna talk. who strokes my back and tells me it'll be all right. nope.

maybe you think this young blogging girl is healthy and thick so she must have a stable of studs or a team of all-stars. one for friday. one for monday. and the dude who comes on wednesday who specializes in the backstroke. nah.

i have no romantic relationship.

why do i tell you this? cuz i dunno ... i found LOVE in other places.

i didn't always feel content to just be by myself. (don't get me wrong if i meet someone i really like it's on ...)

instead, i redefined what LOVE was for me. i aint salty that i have no man .... and i aint worried (all the time). of course, i am human and moments hit when i want etc etc but i already wrote a blog about that ... see the archives.

my point is that in the modern world ... in the majority of the world ... our idea of love is so small, so limited, so HUMAN ... i pushed myself to transcend those boundaries ... i forced myself to look at the LOVE i found in other places.

the love of my parents. the love of my daughter. the love of my wonderful friends. the love in the trees. the love in the sky. the love in those frozen crab cakes i pan sear at home. the love of fried green tomatoes with some goat cheese. the love i have for myself. you wanna hear what i love about ME? and this is a great excercise to do with yourself at home ... whenever ... just cuz or if you are feeling unloved and unworthy ...

what i love about myself list:
1. i am aware of GOD --- since i was little despite never attending church i was aware of a greater force in the world ... a spiritual entity ... that is ultimately benevolent. and when i was at my lowest i knew there was still a GOD to call upon - i just refused. see, if we believe GOD exists we will one day seek him even if we have been avoiding his kingdom all our lives. but if we don't think there is a God what will we seek?
2. my brain --- whether on drugs (joking ...) or frying an egg on the pavement i fucking love how my mind works. it is super slow when it comes to chemistry, mathematics, and building furniture. but it's super fast at reading people, reading books, finding the essence of information, and problem solving. it's also all the way out the box. i have yet to meet one person whose mind works like mine in that they see the things that i do.
3. my strength --- i aint even talking about how i was able to be a single mom, or relocate to atlanta, or do everything by myself. i am talking about confidence in my beliefs. i don't have to act on them to be strong. i don't have to shove them down the throats of others to be strong. i don't have to flex to show i'm strong. on the inside i am satisfied to simply do what i think is right. so what people say or think about me ... doesn't really control me. granted, i cared a lot more in junior high school but it was less than most of my peers. and it's always been that way. FUCK what the world thinks -- DO YOU! that's kinda how i operate. it was when i started judging myself through the eyes of others that i suffered severely.
4. my face and body --- i love my teeth are straight. i love my shape. i love being short. i love my toes, fingers and hands. they are pretty! i love my long haired eyebrows. i love my skin with its medium sized pores. i love my ears with their long lobes. i love my afro-chinois nose. i love my hair? not really - still working on that one. it's just too flat for me LOL. i love my stretch marks. i love my complexion? umm a lil too lite but it is what it is. i love my legs. i love my pointy chin.
5. my sense of humor --- whew! i love it! i can't even describe it ... and some people never get it.
6. my empathy --- i can feel others and i like being in tune with humans. i like being able to intuit what a person is going through. i can usually read a person so well i know if i want to trust them, if they are lying, if they are afraid, if they are jealous, and if they are insecure. this ability has saved me a lot of drama and heartache and it has also led me to wonderful experiences. i also love that i care about the world cuz it's what drives me to help make it a better place.
7. my artistic talent --- i love how i paint and write. we all have talents ... but they are all unique. i love my own particular brush stroke. it's intense. thick. heavy and strong. and my writing? i love how i put words together ... period.
8. my integrity --- i aint perfect by any means. i have broken promises ... sigh ... i have gone back on my word but for the most part ... i am what i say and i say what i am. i do the right thing most times. i don't cheat. i hate to lie except to people who hate the truth. and can't take it. i don't make excuses for myself. i always take accountability. i am usually the first to see where i was wrong. i don't play games. i don't put up facades. i don't take advantage of people - ever.


... that's enuff for today. i don't feel so much like the picture above anymore ... more like this pic to the right ... i feel like a little love muffin ... bursting with love cranberries ...

muah! go make a list for yourself! hug yo ass today!

** believe it or not i did not take these photos for this blog. already had em :)